Little Love Letters

Chapter eleven

Little Love Letters

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Chapter eleven

As we stop in the parking lot of the red and white hospital, I freeze.

I don't find the courage to lift up my hand and unbuckle the seat belt.

I can't move and it feels like I'm glued to the black leather seat.

"You ready?" Zac asks and I move my head to look at him. It takes quite a few minutes for me to gather the strength to nod.

I know the first thing that is going to occur to me when I enter the hospital is the guilt.

It's always the same. With every step I take closer to him, the guilt grows and it kills me from inside.

It's like a type of cancer. You know you are dying inside, but you still manage to smile at people and hide it.

He notices how I'm struggling, which makes him come to my side of the car and he helps me out.

"Don't worry so much Elle," he says while we hurriedly walk to the entrance because it was drizzling.

I loved winter. Winter was the most comforting season of all. I loved the rain because it hid my tears. I could catch the cloud water droplets inside of my hands and watch how the rain patted on the ground.

In winter I could snuggle up in my sweater and drink hot chocolate. I could listen to the rain landing on the roof, which would make me fall asleep.

It was the best time of the year to be sad.

"Excuse me," Zac says to the nurse at the round desk. When she spots me, I see her facial expression soften and she makes us follow her to Conner's ward.

Every step I take, my legs feel heavy. Zac literally has to drag me along with him.

When we enter, the nurse leaves and closes the heavy door behind her.

I look at Conner. He looks exactly how he did yesterday, so fragile.

He was in the exact same position.

"Conner?" I ask and walk closer to him.

His fingers started to twitch. He knew I was here and he could hear me.

I have to give it a shot. Maybe it would give him the courage to open his eyes and say it back to me.

I walk closer to him and whisper into his ear. I didn't want Zac to hear this as he was looking out of the window. This was private and I didn't need more trouble than I already had.

"I think I love you," I say softly and lean back a little. He doesn't move and his eyes don't open. A tear slipped from my eye and landed on his cheek by rolling off of my face. I gently wiped it off. He felt so cold and lifeless.

I couldn't help but softly kiss his cheek.

I wouldn't know if he knew what I was doing or if he felt it, but I felt so distant from him.

It felt like I lost him in the battle.

I hadn't noticed Zac staring at me.

When I look back up at him, he looked down at the ground. I wouldn't blame him.

The beat from the monitors were making my ears sick. With every heart beat, another second goes by where he is asleep. Another second goes by without his full presence.

I sigh as I turn around to leave him. I wanted to stay, but knowing that I did that to him made me want to run away.

It made me want to give up on him.