Ashling

Chapter 17

"So basically, you're the How To Get Away With Murder type of lawyer?"

I laugh and nod, taking a huge gulp of my coffee. "Yes, I guess you could say that. Criminal Defense Lawyer. Though I haven't exactly done any case dealing with murder yet."

"Did the show inspire you or did you always wanted to do this?"

"I always wanted to be a lawyer." My jaw clenches slightly and I take a quick deep breath. I don't want to continue. I can't tell her the details of why I decided to pursue criminal defense.

She must've sensed my discomfort because she gives me a small smile. She places her hand under her chin and says, "Tell me about what you do."

"I help defend people accused of committing a crime against prosecution by the government. My goal is to reduce their sentence or help them stay out of jail.  The crimes range from small offenses such as shoplifting to more serious crimes such as drug trafficking, assault or even murder."

She remains silent for a moment, like pondering over every word I said. Then she simply asks, "How does it feel? I mean, what is it like to be the defense attorney of someone you strongly believe to have committed the crime? How do you do it?"

I honestly don't know what to say. It's not like I'm speechless, I do have an answer to this question. It's just that no one has ever asked me how it is to be a criminal defense lawyer. No one has taken that much interest, apart from my parents. I have literally wanted to tell people, but every time I tell someone I'm a criminal defense lawyer, they either dismiss it or automatically judge me. And the way she's looking at me right now, as if her sole existence depends on my answer. Her eyes are boring holes in my soul, but they aren't judgemental. Somehow, I know that she just wants to find an answer to her question. Somehow, I know her intention is not to judge me.

I clear my throat and begin, "It's a  whole hell of a lot better than being the defense attorney of someone you strongly believe did not commit the crime."

Her eyebrows furrow as she tries and comprehends what I just said. She leans in a bit more and I know I've captured her attention, I know she's keenly listening. I continue, "Representing the guilty is pretty straightforward. If your client tells you they committed the act, you look for an affirmative defense, for example self defense, that is supported by the evidence. If they haven't admitted the act to you, then you do your best to hold the government to its proof by impeaching its witnesses, questioning the foundations of its evidence and arguing against the inferences being made."

"But how is that easier? How is it more simpler than defending the innocent?" She asks me.

I give her a tight smile and say, "I wasn't finished yet."

She smiles sheepishly and her cheeks turn the lightest shade of red. She mouths "sorry" and signals me to carry on.

I begin again, "Representing the innocent is completely different. In addition to all the things I stated, you also have a constant gnawing at you that no matter what you do, it isn't going to be enough. You have this burden to prove their innocence, and it is much, much harder to prove a negative than it is to prove someone did something. The case will easily consume you, trumping everything else in your life because someone you have become convinced is truly innocent, is at risk of going to prison or facing the death penalty and you are the only one that can prevent it."

Her mouth forms a "O" and I can see hints of understanding in her eyes. But I'm not done yet.

"If they are convicted," I continue, "You then get the pleasure of trying to go to sleep each night knowing that if you had just done a little bit more, perhaps asked a different question of a witness or spent just a few more hours digging through documents looking for exhibits, the outcome would have been different and the innocent would be free. It becomes your fault that the innocent person is in prison, even though you did all you could to prevent it. You should have done more. Why didn't you do more? What could possibly have been more important than that? The case gnaws at you for months, years, even decades and becomes one of the things that you will never, ever forget."