Captured in His Eyes (The Art of Life #1: Art Version)

07.19.19 - Off My Chest

Off My Chest
07.19.19

Tahimik kaming umupo sa bench garden. Walang ibang tao dahil kanina pa ang uwian. Na-late lang kami dahil sa meeting.

"Ah, sorry . . ." Kiel regretted crying in front of me.

I felt even more bad. Mas lalong bumigat ang dibdib ko.

"U-Uuwi ka na ba?" he asked.

I tried my very best and composed myself. Nag-angat ako ng tingin sa kaniya. "Bakit ka umiyak?"

I wanted to fully understand.

He sighed. "Kasi pakiramdam ko palagi akong may kasalanan sa 'yo. Palagi kang galit sa akin, ever since . . . kahit wala akong ginagawa . . . Gusto kong maintindihan . . . Hindi ko maintindihan . . ."

Ever since . . .

Right. I keep hearing this from him. Palagi niyang iniisip na galit ako.

Yes, hindi ko siya pinapansin ilang araw na at natural lang na isipin niyang galit ako.

Pero 'yung mga naunang beses . . . hindi naman ganito ang scenario. Bakit iniisip pa rin niyang galit ako?

Just... How am I in other people's eyes?

"Bakit ayaw mo na akong kapartner sa club? Hindi naman kita pipilitin. Hindi ko lang maintindihan. Bakit sa akin ka lang galit . . . Bakit si Harvin, kinakausap mo nang maayos . . . Bakit sinasamaan mo ako ng tingin . . . Bakit . . . Kaibigan ba ang tingin mo sa akin . . ."

Napatitig ako sa kaniya.

The little things. He would notice it. I wasn't aware that they affected him. That they really made him question himself.

He was too good at taking it all in I didn't realize they weren't actually little things.

Ang sakit. Ang sakit palang malaman na nakasakit ka.

I made him cry. And it was because of my actions and my words. It was because of me.

Ang sakit malamang ikaw ang may kasalanan. Ikaw ang mali. Ikaw ang may problema.

Doble ang sakit kung matagal na pala pero ngayon mo lang narealize.

All this time, I was a bitch to him. I was already crossing the line.

And what's my excuse? Why did I treat him differently? Because I like him? Who else treats someone they like the way I treated Kiel?

I don't know anymore.

"I like you," I admitted.

Hindi ito ang pinlano ko pero pakiramdam ko ito ang tamang panahon para makawala sa nararamdaman.

The root cause of everything was my feelings for him. Toxicity ang nireresulta ng pagkagusto ko sa kaniya.

Nafufrustrate ako at naiinis dahil gusto ko siya. Hindi ako makapagfocus dahil gusto ko siya. Nadadamay siya sa kawalan ko ng kontrol sa emosyon. I wasn't ready for it. I couldn't handle and control it.

It wasn't good for both of us. I really needed to escape from it.

"I like you, Kiel." Tinapangan ko ang boses ko.

The book was right. Parang may parte sa akin ang nakawala sa pagkakagapos matapos kong sabihin iyon.

Hopefully, after I hear his rejection, I can fully escape.

Awang ang mga labi niya, hindi makapaniwala.

I was sure he had heard this from several girls several times already. He had his script for this. I just needed to hear it.