Captured in His Eyes (The Art of Life #1: Art Version)

05.11.19 - A Moment of Epiphany

A Moment of Epiphany
05.11.19

The next days were gloomy. Parang ang bagal-bagal ng oras.

Buntong-hininga kong sinandal ang pisngi sa librong binabasa, nawala na sa focus. Tinitigan ko ang orasan sa pader.

Huminga ako nang malalim at nagsimulang kumilos. I stretched up.

Inayos ko ang mga gamit at lumabas ng bahay para dumiretso ng park.

The same kids were there. They asked about Kiel and invited me to play with them again.

Gaya noong mga nakaraang araw, sumali naman ako sa laro nila. Naglaro kami ng gusto nila. But unlike Kiel, I couldn't keep up with them. Hindi ko kayang makipagkwentuhan. Hindi ko kayang makipagsabayan sa energy nila.

At hindi kagaya ng mga nakaraang araw na hindi ko ramdam ang pagod; ngayon ay isang oras pa lang, wala na akong gana. Gusto ko na lang umupo.

It wasn't as fun as it was the prior days and I could see in the kids' faces that they felt the same. Isang round pa nga lang ay wala na ang atensyon ng iba sa laro at iba na ang gustong gawin.

I suddenly realized the difference Kiel could bring in an environment.

Pag-uwi ng bahay ay pagod akong sumalampak sa sofa. Napatitig ako sa kisame at sinubukang isipin kung ano ang nakaschedule ko dapat gawin ngayon.

Then, it hit me. Hindi na pala ako nakakagawa ng schedule.

I covered my face with a pillow and hugged it tightly. I wanted to scream but I restraint and tried to compose myself.

Something's definitely wrong with me.

I go out more often now. I'm starting to get a negative feeling about the things I enjoy before. I would often get lonely when alone. I don't have the energy to try going back to writing. I do things out of schedule, miss some of my agenda, and even forget to update my schedule.

Napabangon ako.

And I glare! I roll my eyes! I smile unknowingly! I laugh uncontrollably! I stifle my smile! My laugh! Make jokes! And play with kids I don't know!

Binalikan ko pa ang mga nagdaang buwan, sinubukang alamin ang pinagsimulan. But as I went back further, the more I noticed my unusual behaviors even from the prior months.

Right. I'm normally calm but I would get triggered and annoyed by Kiel way extensively before. I don't carry emotional baggage but I hated him and it grew the more he made me feel frustrated, ashamed, judged, and insulted.

He made me feel frustrated, ashamed, judged, and insulted! Who else made me feel that way?!

And I cried! Why exactly did I cry that time? Over frustration! Because I thought he was ignoring me!

I cried because I thought he was ignoring me! What the hell! Why would I get affected by that?!

And I would feel uneasy with his touch! Or when he is near!

Halos punitin ko ang mga unan. Pinaghahampas ko ang mga iyon sa sofa at pinagbabato sa sahig lahat.

This is so cringeeee!!! What the fuckkk!!! Nooo, I can't accept this!!!!

*  *  *

July 30, 2023