I can't love [Kazuscara]

Shall I?/Chapter 37

Kazuha sighed.
"You know what? I don't care anymore. Just kill me already if that's what makes you happy." His voice seemed to have no emotion at all...
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Scaramouche stared at Kazuha, he wasn't expecting this kind of reaction. He thought he would be begging for mercy or pleading with him but he seemed to have given up.
"Wait, what? No... I mean. It's not that I want to kill you, it's just that... I..."
He didn't know how to tell Kazuha that he couldn't disobey this order. It was like an instinct that he couldn't ignore. He still believed there was a chance to become human again if he did this.

Kazuha had a cold stare, seems like he had no light in his eyes at all, he was filled with sadness. "Do it, you know you don't need me."

Scaramouche was shocked. What was he supposed to say to that? He felt horrible for Kazuha and he was even giving him the chance to kill him.
"I- I can't do this."
He said this with confidence, he really couldn't do it.
Then why did he get this mission? Why did Dottore give him such a tough task?!
"There has to be another way!" He said this and turned around, ready to go to the Doctor to tell him this mission was impossible.

Kazuha seemed surprised, he was expecting to get stabbed.
"What?"

"I'm not going to kill you!"
Scaramouche said that very seriously, there was no hint of sarcasm in his voice. He turned around and was about to walk away but he saw Kazuha looking at him with surprise.
"I can't do it, I'm sorry."
He looked at him silently, thinking about how to keep going. He realized he didn't know what to do now. What should he say?
Should he tell Dottore that he refused to do the mission?
Should he talk to Kazuha and get advice about what he should do?

Kazuha smiled with his eyes still with sadness. "Seems like you still feel sorrow."

Scaramouche froze as soon as he heard Kazuha's words and he looked at him. He was right.
"I..." His voice became hesitant, he didn't know how to explain what he was feeling at this particular moment.
"Is it possible I still feel?"
The more he thought about it the more this idea was becoming a reality.

"I don't know, tell me it yourself, is it possible that you still feel?" Kazuha was still with no light in his eyes, but he was smiling, seemed to be a fake smile.

Scaramouche was about to say that there was no chance he still felt something but something stopped him. What was it? His words sounded like an excuse to himself to accept the order. He looked at Kazuha, who was starting to make him doubt everything he thought he knew.
"You're a pain to deal with! I don't understand how I can still have these feelings that shouldn't be there!"
He felt guilty for acting this way but also frustrated. He had no idea how to make Kazuha cooperate with his mission. Why couldn't it be simple!?

Kazuha sighed. "So? What are you going to do now?..."

"I... I have no idea."
He said this with a concerned expression, he looked at Kazuha and saw that he was still waiting for him to take action.
"Tell me, Kazuha, what would you do in this situation?" He looked like a lost child now, he needed advice and he was not used to asking for help.
He knew he couldn't follow Kazuha's heart because that would make Dottore upset, but he realized he was in a tough situation.

"First answer me, what are the consequences if you don't kill me?"

He hesitated.
"I don't know exactly... The Doctor made it clear it was an important task, something important for him, if he thought I was disobeying him there would be consequences."
He paused for a few seconds and continued.
"Maybe I won't get what I want, which is to become human again. Perhaps the Doctor would never trust me with another mission and he would think less of me."
This was a big problem. If he disappointed Dottore it could mean that he would never become human again and would never feel happiness or love.