Fathered By A Vampire- Part 1: The Vampire Child Series

Chapter 26- Giving My Life Meaning

TRIGGER WARNINGS: SUICIDAL IDEATIONS; SUICIDAL ATTEMPTS; MENTIONS OF SELF HARM; PARENTAL ABUSE; PARENTAL NEGLECT

Damon knocked on Dean's door while leaning on the threshold. Sam and Dean both looked up at him.

"May I come in," Damon asked.

"Sure," Dean said, watching Sam get up.

"I'll leave you two alone," Sam said, walking out of the room.

Damon sat down on the chair at Dean's desk.

"I know you think I'm being unfair," Damon said, "But I promise I just want you to be okay. Lately, you've been working yourself to the bone, Dean..."

"Do you know why," Dean asked, turning to face him, "Why I work so hard when I can?"

"No but I would like to know," Damon said.

"When I'm not useful then I'm useless," Dean said, "If I'm not hunting or saving people, then my life has no meaning..."

"Who told that bull," Damon asked, tilting his head.

"Did someone have to tell me," Dean asked, "Dad, I'm not needed if I can't hunt! Nobody wants a grown man that has ADHD that can't do anything good with himself!"

"Did he tell you this," Damon asked, talking about John, "Did he tell you you're useless unless you're hunting?"

"He didn't have to," Dean said, "His... His eyes and actions told me everything he didn't."

"Do you love yourself," Damon asked, "When you look in the mirror, are you happy with who you see? Or do you resent yourself so much that you crave to find redemption by risking your safety?"

"Are you suggesting that I'm suicidal," Dean asked.

"Do you think I am," Damon asked, "There are plenty of ways to show it. It doesn't have to be cutting your wrists or taking drugs. It could be things that others would claim heroic. It could be running towards danger whenever the chance arises. It could be always playing the sacrifice to 'save' the ones you love. Dean, I've been around you enough to know what you do isn't always healthy. You seem to lean on that edge of suicidal and hero."

Dean shook his head, not believing what he was hearing.

"And you think you know me so well," Dean asked.

"I don't know everything about you," Damon said, "But I know a fellow self-harmer when I see one..."

"You?"

"You think you're the only one here with a fucked up mind," Damon asked, "My dad... He, uh, he used to call me all kinds of names. He would beat the crap out of Stefan and me. I thought the beatings hurt the worst. But it didn't. What hurt the worst was when I couldn't protect Stefan. When I couldn't save him from my father that hurt like hell. And I always had this mindset every time my father came home. That mindset was if Stefan makes my father mad then I have to do something so much worse."

Dean knitted his eyebrows.

"Why?"

"So my father can focus his anger on me and not my brother," Damon said, "So over time that branded itself in my mind. Even as a vampire, I kept that mindset going. Stefan was a ripper, then I have to be manipulative and cold, so I could be considered worse. Stefan hurts someone, I have to kill so I'm worse. I always made sure I was considered bad so he could be good. Because that's how I raised myself."