moonlight {h.s}

cherry

Harry

I was pacing my room, the people in the room below me were probably calling to complain. I had woken up from a nightmare, stemming from the nightmare I had been living all week.

Tour was back on and I was in Paris. It had been torture.

Over the past few months Jaden and the girls had reached Sydney, they were now in contact with her. Every time we bumped into each other they raved about her new life in Paris. She'd recently been back on instagram and I was becoming a slight stalker. Slight.

She did look like she was having the best time, adventuring round the city with Timothee and Lily Rose. Being here and not knowing how to reach her or see her, it hurt more than anything.

The week we'd been here was rough, seeing articles and stories about her, the paparazzi harassing me every time I stepped out the hotel.

I wasn't drinking which made every time so much worse. Mitch was trying to get me in AA, knowing problems from my 1D days were seeping into my life now. But being on the road made that hard.

For now, I was trying to go cold turkey.

My nightmare was Sydney, walking the streets of Paris with me behind her. There was something different, I knew it was her but she didn't look the same. She hadn't posted pictures of herself, seeping into my mind which could no longer see her face clearly.

I called out to her, screamed her name, begging her to turn around.

But she kept walking until she met a man, a brunette stranger that escorted her to a museum.

Half of me felt that the stranger was me, what we used to be that I couldn't reach. But equally, it could easily be another guy that she was waltzing around Paris with.

I sat strumming my guitar, desperately trying to get this overwhelming pain off my chest. My heart ached at how much I missed Sydney. I wish the feelings would go away.

I wanted to write all my problems away.

My life had become somewhat bearable when I hadn't seen any pictures or news articles about Sydney. Now things were so different.

Karma.

I'd recently seen Jaden. We'd bumped into each other and I asked, truly, how she was. He kept tight lipped but said not to believe everything I saw.

But I didn't want her to suffer, I wanted her to be happy. I just wanted to see her.

I kept strumming my guitar until I had formed a somewhat melody and went off it, singing out my feelings. My mind wrapped up this story of Sydney with a new person in her life, happy without me

I hummed a soft melody that I had been playing with over a few months. I plucked it on the guitar, imaging a love song for Sydney. But instead one littered with sadness, a bitterness.

Don't you call him baby
We're not talking lately
Don't you call him what you used to call me

I, I confess
I can tell you were at your best
I'm selfish so I'm hating it

It was sadly true, I wish I wasn't jealous and bitter. But I knew that maybe she hadn't been feeling heartbroken. She was in the city of love after all.

I noticed that there's a piece of you in how I dress
Take it as a compliment

I remembered all that time ago, when I got Sydney her Christmas present, and she said these words to me. They stuck because it was our little secret, I was a piece of her and she was the same for me. Now that piece was missing, I was incomplete.

Don't you call him baby
We're not talking lately
Don't you call him what you used to call me

I, I just miss, I just miss your accent and your friends
Do you know I still talk to them?

I knew Gigi and the girls were angry at me, they had reason to. But I loved seeing them, it made me feel closer to Sydney. But equally I felt awkward, almost a betrayal.

Does he take you walking round his parents gallery?

This line represented the dream of course. But also it was a question because I had no idea what she was doing. Somehow after everything we'd been through, she was a stranger to me. If she is with someone else, how could I even know?

Don't you call him baby
We're not talking lately
Don't you call him what you used to call me

Don't you call him baby
We're not talking lately
Don't you call him what you used to call me

I sang along, tears falling from my eyes. I felt pain in my throat, the pent up feelings unable to escape.

Drinking and drugs had meant I'd been building up these feelings for months. It was getting torturous, for me and those around me. I just needed to make it through this tour.

I knew if I touched another drink, I would be trying to find Sydney somehow. I'd be wondering the streets of Paris, just like my dream, searching for the woman I loved.

I asked myself everyday when these feelings would stop, that was the worst part about breakups. It felt inescapable.

Was it better to stay away from her forever, or did I need to see her to move on?

I missed my baby

I wanted to see her, hear her voice again. That was something I craved. My instagram stalking meant I'd been watching her life through photos, but I hadn't heard her sing in so long.

Suddenly I remembered all the voice notes on my phone, songs she had sung in her apartment. I always snuck a voice note where I could.

I scrolled down my voice notes clicking on songs, The Beatles, a song she had written called Selfish, Everything Happens for a Reason and my favourite: Moonlight.

The tears escaped my eyes as I heard her beautiful voice singing of her love, her heartache, our relationship. Continuing to scroll, I clicked on an unlabelled voice note.

The beginning was some guitar strumming, which was then interrupted by her speaking. She was having a conversation in French, I think with her Grandmother in St Tropez. She was laughing with her and I felt she was in the room with me.

I lay down on my bed, closing my eyes and imagining she was lying next to me.

A could recognise a few words, "Coucou, tu dors?" And "Parfait, Allez"

I kept it playing, as the song and dream wrapped around my mind. Sydney, never leaving.

hii! i know i dipped again but much to come (as I always say)

short update to
tie you over as i finish off a long one !