moonlight {h.s}

to be so lonley

Harry

"Okay one more run through? Then we can start recording." Kid asked, as I pulled off my Adidas Gazelles and sat cross legged on the velvet couch. They were a 90s style, red and yellow striped that Sydney had bought me.

We were in Tokyo, back on tour and working on the next album. It was weird playing the old stuff and figuring out the new sound all at the same time. We only had two more months of tour and then we could go full Fine Line.

"You ready H?" Sarah asked and I nodded. Mitch sat next to me with an acoustic guitar ready to start.

It was just the four of us, plus Adam, figuring out the song. Once we were happy, we'd record today or in a few days. I loved working in Tokyo, I was thinking I'd come back for a few months after tour. I could immerse myself in the album and take a break from all the press.

It had been relentless, but I knew it was my fault.

Ever since New York, I had been bottling up my thoughts. I hadn't told anyone, I was so embarrassed at my actions. I was also so pissed at how much I fucked up the opportunity to speak to Syd.

Like an ass, I thought with my dick and not my fucking brain. I should've just told her how I felt and said I didn't care if she didn't love me, I just wanted to see her. Desperately, I wanted to say how sorry I was for everything I had done since our break up.

I don't think I had made one good move in the last eight months. Not since I asked Sydney to be my girlfriend, everything since then had gone to shit. But I knew I would never regret that day, I remembered how perfect it was.

We were back on tour so I knew I couldn't sort anything out for a while. Maybe after the Asian and South American leg, but it was unlikely. I would need a miracle to somehow get to see Syd.

The only person that half knew, was Jaden. He had tried to create a fake "movie moment" for us, hoping the space would actually help us communicate. Obviously I fucked that one.

This song I had written summed up how much of an idiot I was in love. No more blaming anyone else, I had put myself here. It almost written like Sydney would sing it, her anger and rejection and my loneliness.

The guitars started, I loved the acoustic gentle picking of the strings. It was a simple melody but came alive in the chorus.

"Don't blame me for falling...I was just a little boy...don't blame the drunk caller...wasn't ready for it all."

You can't blame me, darling
Not even a little bit
I was away
And I'm just an arrogant son of a bitch
Who can't admit when he's sorry

I began writing like I was Sydney, it was me, not her. I took all the blame for the way we had left it last time, I should've flushed that coke the day Gigi, Kendall and Jaden saw me. I was just scared, scared what I would do if it wasn't there.

It was almost a comfort, knowing if all failed I had an escape plan waiting for me.

It was a huge insult though, especially after I crashed her weekend. Every ounce of my body was fighting the urge to beat myself up over doing that to her. But I had to keep it together and not do something worse, break my sobriety.

Don't call me baby again
You got your reasons
I know that you're tryna be friends
I know you mean it
Don't call me baby again
It's hard for me to go home
Be so lonely

Whilst it was a fuck up of a weekend, I was so happy to see her. I was a mixture of emotions but I did think deep down there was something worth saving between us. I just had to make it up to her big time.

I just hope you see me in a little better light
Do you think it's easy being of the jealous kind?
'Cause I miss the shape of your lips
You'll win, it's just a trick
And this is it, so I'm sorry

I wanted so desperately to not be jealous, I wanted to be happy for her. See her happy. It just wasn't that simple.

Don't call me baby again
You got your reasons
I know that you're tryna be friends
I know you mean it
Don't call me baby again
It's hard for me to go home
Be so lonely

To be so lonely, to be so
To be so lonely
To be so lonely, to be so
To be so lonely

And I'm just an arrogant son of a bitch
Who can't admit when he's sorry

Don't call me baby again
You got your reasons
I know that you're tryna be friends
I know you mean it
Don't call me baby again
It's hard for me to go home
Be so lonely

To be so lonely, to be so
To be so lonely
To be so lonely, to be so
To be so lonely

We all started to slow down the instruments, as I finished the lyrics. Emotion littered my voice as I sang the ending, straining as I repeated lonely every line.

"Fuck that's good!" Mitch said as the song ended. I smiled, nodding, it was a great sound as the instruments melted together. I hoped people would like it.

"Okay I'm gonna grab a coffee before we record, you want anything guys?" Adam asked, taking the guitar strap off and grabbing his phone and keys.

"Yeah I might grab some food, I'll come with." Kid added, walking over to the door with Adam.

"Can I grab a latte?"

"Yeah same."

I shook my head holding up a matcha I bought earlier. Sarah came over and sat next to me on the sofa, looking over at the lyrics I had scribbled in my book.

The guys left the room and left Mitch, Sarah and I. Mitch came and sat next to the sofa, looking up at the two of us like he wanted to say something.

"Mitchell, what is it?" I asked, raising an eyebrow curiously.

He smirked, "This could either be really good or really bad. But don't shout at me please." I rolled my eyes and shook my head, "I won't shout, just tell me."

"Okay, Syd text me and she's planning a girls trip, well planned one. She's coming to Tokyo with Bella, Kendall, Hailey and Gigi." He apprehensively told me.

I nodded slowly trying to process, he continued, "She coming tomorrow and wants to meet up with us. She said she feels bad about how everything was left and wants to see us. She wants to see you."

My brain wasn't computing anything he said besides her wanting to see me. I was sure he was making it up. How on earth did she want to see me, she was so angry, the most angry I'd ever seen her.

"I don't know Mitch. I really fucked it up, I don't want to keep hurting her it isn't fair." I confessed.

Sarah chimed in, "Harry, we know how badly you want to see her. Surely it's better if you resolve everything, you can apologise and try and move on."

I thought over her words, knowing how badly I really did want to see Sydney and apologise. That wasn't even everything, I owed her a thousand apologies for the dick I was.

"You're sure?" I asked Mitch.

"Positive. Here, the texts." He pulled his phone out and showed me. It was true she was coming to Tokyo, flying 12 hours to see me. That was what I was telling myself anyway.

Well Sydney I was wrong, I thought, we will be seeing each other soon. I just needed to not fuck this one up.

little update to tie you over, sorry i went ghost ! more to come soon