moonlight {h.s}

right where you left me

would you believe i
wrote this chapter in
my notes app in march

everything is planned
so far in advance
so i'm so happy
to finally have these
chapters published!

Sydney

I stumbled out of the cab door, throwing a handful of cash from the bottom of my clutch through the window to the driver.

My face was wet with tears, any make up I had on slowly dripping away. I used the back of my hand to try and wipe them away but I couldn't catch my breath.

I headed through my building, going straight to the elevator doors and hiding my face from everyone sitting in the lobby.

I walked into the mirrored elevator, looking down at the ground, feeling empty. God I was such an idiot, how could I really think that I'd be able to get Harry back after everything I'd put him through.

Memories of us rushed through my mind, everything we'd been through, thrown out the window.

I couldn't help but feel heartbroken, imagining Harry with that girl or any girl. Whilst I knew that I had pushed him there, it hurt. It hurt so much. Worse than Jordan, worse than any relationship I'd ever had this just hurt.

The golden doors opened and I headed down the hall towards my apartment. I hated this place so much.

I'd bought this apartment hoping it could be a new place, new memories, new love. It would be somewhere for me and Harry, but now...just me.

Inside, the tall ceilings and wooden floors didn't feel cosy and homely anymore. It made me feel so small, so alone.

My breathing was ragged, trying desperately to keep back any anxiety or panic attacks. I needed to get my mind of all of these painful thoughts.

I dropped my clutch, kicked off my shoes and headed to my bedroom. I wanted to sleep away my problems.

As I entered, it dawned on me how depressing my room had gotten. I'd began boxing up everything that reminded me of Harry, leaving just my bed and furniture and the suitcase I'd brought from London.

Leaning next to my suitcase was my guitar.

I felt this overwhelming need to write out my feelings. So much was going on in my head and I could only think of one thing that would fix it. Writing.

I could already hear the lyrics and melody flying through my mind.

My hand reached for my guitar, grabbing my journal from my carry on and I dived into the covers.  I began to start strumming a calm melody.

After the longest day. The longest months of my life. I had to get it out. I began singing softly,

Friends break up, friends get married
Strangers get born, strangers get buried
Trends change, rumors fly through new skies
But I'm right where you left me

Matches burn after the other
Pages turn and stick to each other
Wages earned and lessons learned
But I, I'm right where you left me

There were no barriers or people telling me to think what others would say. My heart was broken and I deserved to write about it. I could maybe make something good come from this awful situation.

Help, I'm still at the restaurant
Still sitting in a corner I haunt
Cross-legged in the dim light
They say, "What a sad sight"

Memories of Harry flashed through my mind. Even normal things I would do like kicking of my shoes and crossing my legs, were different now. His face and his voice littered all my once happy memories and habits.

I, I swear you could hear a hair pin drop
Right when I felt the moment stop
Glass shattered on the white cloth
Everybody moved on
I, I stayed there
Dust collected on my pinned-up hair
They expected me to find somewhere
Some perspective, but I sat and stared

For months I had pushed these feelings down as best as I could, but after today I refused to hold it all in.

Right where you left me
You left me no, oh, you left me no
You left me no choice but to stay here forever
You left me, you left me no, oh, you left me no
You left me no choice but to stay here forever

He did leave me. He hurt me and I hurt him too. Of all the people in the world, I would never want to hurt him and I did. As much as he did the same to me, he didn't deserve to feel the heartbreak I caused him.

Did you ever hear about the girl who got frozen?
Time went on for everybody else, she won't know it
She's still 23 inside her fantasy
How it was supposed to be
Did you hear about the girl who lives in delusion?
Break-ups happen every day, you don't have to lose it
She's still 23 inside her fantasy
And you're sitting in front of me

23 was supposed to be this dream, the way it had started was how I thought the rest of the year would be. But now, I couldn't see how the rest of the year would be. I felt a dark cloud over my future.

Without him, I felt broken. My mind was a blur of memories and all I wanted was to let go but I couldn't. I wanted him. I sang exactly the way I felt, trapped in this fantasy of me and Harry and what could've been.

At the restaurant, when I was still the one you want
Cross-legged in the dim light, everything was just right
I, I could feel the mascara run
You told me that you met someone
Glass shattered on the white cloth
Everybody moved on

Help, I'm still at the restaurant
Still sitting in a corner I haunt
Cross-legged in the dim light
They say, "What a sad sight"
I, I stayed there
Dust collected on my pinned-up hair
I'm sure that you got a wife out there
Kids and Christmas, but I'm unaware
'Cause I'm right where
I cause no harm, mind my business
If our love died young, I can't bear witness
And it's been so long
But if you ever think you got it wrong

Thinking about the future I had pictured with Harry made tears begin prick in my eyes. So much could've happened between the two of us but I had to go and ruin it. Now there was nothing. He had moved on and I was still here in my fantasy.

He was going to move on, fall in love, have a family with someone else. I thought that someone would be me.

I'm right where you left me
You left me no, oh, you left me no
You left me no choice but to stay here forever
You left me
You left me no, oh, you left me no
You left me no choice but to stay here forever

As I sang the lyrics over and over again, I began to sob. I couldn't hold back my emotions. My heart felt like it had been ripped from my chest.

There was so much I wished I could say to him. I wanted to scream because I was so upset at him and myself and everything that had happened.

This song showed my true, genuine soul baring feelings. Thoughts of Harry with a family or someone else who wasn't me, kept me awake for hours at night. I wanted to blame Harry but in reality I couldn't.

I wasn't brave enough and I should've just been honest with him.

Placing my guitar down, I reached over to my journal and began scribbling notes and lyrics down.

When I finished and saw my feelings down on paper, I finally knew the one feeling I had been pushing down for months. I hadn't been able to admit it before, but I love loved him. I did then and I still do.

💔

first time heard this song,
i knew it was written for sydney.