Weird World [H.S]

69.

"Izzy? Izzy, are you even listening to me?"

"Sorry." I exhaled, "Just... I've got a lot on my mind."

"Oh?" Rachel said questionably, "Do you want to talk about it before we start?"

"Not really." I muttered, before I caught her looking at me; "It's... nothing. Honestly."

"Doesn't look like nothing to me." she said slowly, "Is it really bothering you that much?"

I shrugged, before my mind thought back to receiving Phoebe's text message this morning.

"I'm so excited for today... I know I've been a mess these last few days because I had to do today without Liam, but I'm so glad you're going to be there today Isabelle. You have no idea how much this means to me. Baby Payne loves auntie Izzy a little too much. So does the mummy. See you later. Love you. xxx."

I bit my lip, remembering everything that Rachel had told me last week about being honest with her.

"I know we said last week that we were going to attempt your childhood and your parents' death today, but if you want to talk about anything else, we can. There's no right or wrong way around this... we can do this any way that you want."

I fiddled with my thumbs on my lap, immediately glancing up to the clock.

An hour and a half to go until Phoebe's first scan... and an hour and a half more of enduring this hell where I felt like I was on a rollercoaster of emotion and couldn't get off- no matter how hard I tried.

Rachel was right, what if I talked about... my feelings regarding the infertility today instead?

What if I finally put to bed all those feelings regarding my jealousy towards Phoebe (and other women in general) and came to terms with the fact that I would never be able to have a child?

"Actually... can... we talk about my infertility, today?"

I took a deep breath, surprised that I had made the leap of faith and jumped with it.

"Of course we can," Rachel smiled, "Is that what is bothering you today?"

I nodded, "Sort of. But mostly because I received a text message this morning, off my best friend."

"Oh? What did it say? If you want to share, of course."

I had memorised it word for word, it was emblazed into my brain.

"She's pregnant. And... well her partner works away and isn't able to make the first scan, so she asked me to go with her, and without thinking I said yes... but the more I think about it the more it's driving me crazy."

"I see." Rachel said slowly, "And how does that make you feel?"

Jealous.

Guilty.

Bitter.

"Jealous." I whispered, "Guilty." I added, flicking my eyes up at her, "Bitter."

"Why?"

"Because I'm jealous of her. I feel guilty because she's my best friend and I'm bitter because she will have something that I will never have."

I watched as Rachel scribbled down in her notepad effortlessly, making her notes.

"And has that been confirmed to you, yet?"

"Not in so many words," I replied breathlessly, "I mean, when I was first diagnosed with the cancer they didn't offer me the chance to freeze my eggs... probably because I was so young or something, I don't know. I didn't really have time to process anything... but because of the chemotherapy and the radiation, it stopped my periods and now I can't have children."