Under The Influence: N 2 Deep

11. Addicted

Shawnie's POV 

After Aubrey left I laid in bed thinking about the conversation we had. I really want to make things work with him and I'm almost willing to do anything to work it out. He didn't wanna leave me, and I kind of didn't want him to leave either, but I still feel the same way. It's like he doesn't understand, he just wants what he wants. I'm not giving him his way this time. I'm really trying to stand my ground with this.

I hear them talking to one another, probably talking about me and Aubrey but I don't even care. I'm not going back out there. I just want to be alone. This shit is a little embarrassing.

I get up and go into the bathroom and turn on the shower. I strip out of my clothes and hop in the shower.

After a pretty lengthy shower, I wrap a towel around my body and put my wet hair up in a towel as well. When I came out of the bathroom, Chris was sitting on my bed. We make eye contact and stay that way for a few seconds, reading each other. He had that look again, the intense one where I feel like he's reading my thoughts. I watched his body language, and I'm getting he's a little upset. Maybe because Aubrey found me.    

"You're not okay." He says

"I am." I say quickly trying to avoid the fact that I'm not. I really don't want to share this with him.

"Don't give me that shit. I know you. You're not okay. I'm here, trying to comfort you how I should've been while we were together and you're shutting me out. I know it's about him so just tell me."

"I'm fine...I just-I feel stuck." I admit, almost breaking down.

"Stuck how?"

"Honestly, I feel stuck in my marriage. Like I'm trapped. I think I made a mistake..." I sigh, "It might not be as bad as I'm making it sound. I think I'm overreacting a little bit because I'm still upset about everything. I feel suffocated. Like, I'm trying to be there for him and I'm trying to be understanding but I feel like I have to work things out with him because there's no other way."

"So you feel stuck." He reiterates

"I guess..."

"So what do you want me to do?" He asks

"I don't know."

"What do you want to do?"

"I don't know."

"You have to know something. How did the conversation go and what was said?"

"Basically, I told him I needed space. He doesn't want to give me that."

"How did he know you were here?" He asks

"He didn't say."

"So he doesn't want to give you space and..." he signals for me to go on.

"He practically begged me to stay here tonight because he's leaving to go out of town in the morning but I told him no. He acts as if he needs me to do everything and I just want space. How can I even know if I want things to get better if he's literally next to me 24 hours a day and when he's working he's constantly on my phone. I'm constantly with people. There's always people around me. I have security, nannies, house staff, I'm never really alone and that's starting to get to me. This time with you right now technically isn't alone time but I feel like I'm alone and I love it."

"So why don't you just take a break from everything and go somewhere and really be alone. If you want me to fly you somewhere and nobody knows about it, including him, I will do that. All you have to do is say the word."

"I can't do that. I have two babies."

"You have two babies that have nannies. Use that to your advantage. I'm willing to take Genesis for as long as you need me to. You know my mom will keep her forever if you let her."