Foolish Games

70. Stressing out

It was only two days to the trial and Joni's anxiousness had grown with each day that passed. He had seen his therapist four times now and the last time he had slowly started opening up more about the abuse and the sexual violence. He would have to talk about it at the trial anyway so talking to her first might help, or so he had encouraged himself to think.

He hadn't wanted to allow himself to think of all the things that Chris had put him through. Hadn't wanted to allow himself to admit how deep his wounds were and how much they haunted his mind.

All those nights, all that tension and fear, the feeling of utter loneliness and depression, how everything Chris did or said had begun to disgust him. How being near him had made his skin crawl. Yet, the memories of better times were equally confusing and part of him felt guilty for thinking and mourning the loss of those happier times.

His mind was seeking answers for something that didn't make sense to him, the therapist explained. The first attack had been unexpected and shocking, coming from someone who was never supposed to be a threat.

Joni told her how he had often gotten himself drunk first to make the obligation to have sex with Chris more endurable and how he now feared that he had conditioned himself to this habit. She suggested bringing Misha with him to their sessions so that they could address the subject better. Perhaps it could help? -Joni promised he'd try suggesting it to his boyfriend, though the idea of asking made him feel slightly nervous for some reason.

Later that evening they were watching a film with Ivo and Jami. Joni's mind was still preoccupied with his therapy meeting and how in just two days he'd have to face Chris in the courtroom. Though his father had promised to help with the picture issue, Joni didn't see what his dad could do any more than he could. Joni stared at the screen without really focusing on the film, which apparently was funny considering that it made Jami and Ivo snicker so much.

Joni thought about his ex wondering what was going through his mind at that same moment. Did he regret it at all? Even a tiny bit? Did Chris remember the time when they had been happy?

His feelings... How strange they felt now. The boy he had been and the boy who had felt such desire towards Chris felt like a stranger. Was it silly to keep hoping that Chris would let it go? That he would realize it was no use, that... he could move on, after this, take his punishment, suffer it, and let go and change the course of his life after regaining his freedom.

But as Joni remembered their last encounter... Chris had probably been expecting that he'd accept all his terms and most likely his anger had grown seeing that he hadn't.

The stress he was under was getting unbearable. How could it get better? Chris had ruined so much for him and some things couldn't be repaired. Tabloids still showed interest, there was still one persistent journalist who had been trying to call him and unfortunately, the same guy had managed to get Misha's number as well.

They both refused to comment and avoided answering any strange numbers from now on. It was just so silly, Joni didn't understand the interest, and he wished that they would just leave it be.

Chris had also caused him to lose many friends, or perhaps what had happened just revealed the unhappy truth about their loyalty. They didn't seem to know how to talk to him anymore, so they simply stopped keeping in contact with him.

He remembered hearing his father talking to his uncle once, about losing friends after his mother had died. In their fear of not knowing how to comfort some people simply drew back to avoid any awkward moment. The realization had made Joni feel even more depressed, he wouldn't have needed them to say anything, he would have needed them to be there, just... stick around, call sometime, even if only to tell him what was going on in their lives.