Foolish Games

59. I just want to sleep

Joni parked his car in front of his parent's house and for a while he just sat there, feeling reluctant to get out. It was as if his body weighed a ton, requiring a huge boost of energy even for such simple movements as getting onto his feet, taking his bag, and walking inside. He didn't feel like he had the energy or the tools to acquire it. Yet he couldn't stay seated in his car forever either now, could he?

There would be questions, they would want to know what had happened and Joni didn't feel like telling them. He felt like a failure in so many ways. Misha who had promised to care for him, more than just as a friend, now wanted to go back to being just that. Could he really blame the man for it? Still, it would have been easier if such an agreement had never been made in the first place. It would have been easier if... Joni sighed, what was easy in this situation anyway? – Nothing.

Finally, he mustered the necessary energy to step out, and just as he did so, the front door opened and his father stepped onto the porch visibly surprised to see him.

"We weren't expecting you, has something happened?" Asko asked with concern as he walked down the few steps. Joni's expression spoke of misery, his eyes looked a little bit red and...

"I don't want to talk about it," Joni said and took his bag from the trunk avoiding his father's eyes.

"Joni?"

"What?" Joni snapped, overwhelmed by his emotions. "Am I not allowed to come back home?"

"Of course you are," Asko hurried to assure. "You're always welcome; come, let me take your bag," he added and reached to take his son's carryings.

"Thank you, Dad," Joni muttered, feeling somewhat ashamed of his outburst. He walked with his father towards the house with somewhat slow and awkward steps.

Asko felt uneasy for not knowing what exactly had happened, but knowing enough that whatever it was he didn't like it and his first instinct was to blame the blond man for doing something to Joni. "Are you hungry? Would you like me to fix you something?"

"No, I just want to sleep," Joni answered exhaustively as they stepped inside. It was only a quarter to nine in the morning and the children and Katja were still sleeping. His father had always been an early bird and probably had had his morning jog by now.

"Did the man do something to you?" his father asked a bit tightly, concerned like he often was.

Joni swallowed. "He didn't hurt me," he assured, not the way his dad worried anyway. "But I don't want to talk about it now. I'm just really tired and would like to sleep," he said and headed upstairs.

"We haven't made your bed ready yet, wait and I'll-"

"It's alright, I'll do it myself," Joni sighed and climbed the stairs without a second look behind.

The room was different; his father had done the changes that he had talked about earlier. The walls had been repainted, the curtains changed, and the bed was new and situated on the opposite side from where it had been before.

Joni locked the door and smiled without joy. He was thankful for the changes, thankful for not having to sleep in the same bed that Chris had. But these changes didn't wipe his memory in that room away either, it was never that simple.

Sighing, Joni sat down on the edge of the bed, looking around still feeling exhausted, most of all it was mental exhaustion.

Time was indeed a curious thing. It was less than two months since Chris had been there with him and now it felt peculiar in some way that Chris would never again step inside this room. Chris would never call him to ask where he was or demand he'd come home... But on second thought, perhaps he should never say never in this case. Chris wasn't dead and prison wouldn't hold him forever, so the possibility of at least a phone call was pretty high.