Love vs. Lust

(32) Love vs. Lust

Once he was gone I took a long hot bath and got dressed in some pajamas. Conner had moved some of my clothes from my room to the guest room so that I didn’t have to go into my room. He didn’t understand why I didn’t want to go into my room but when I told him that I just wasn’t ready yet he didn’t question it any further.

I crept in under my blanket on the couch and closed my eyes trying to fall asleep without thinking about anything. I wanted to have my memory back but at the same time I was too afraid to remember. I had a dream about Gordon that night. I dreamt that I was running down the street and fell down in front of the ice cream parlor where he used to work. I was upset and heartbroken over something but I don’t know what. Then all of a sudden he appeared there next to me, helping me to my feet.

I woke up with a jerk, sitting up straight as sweat ran down my face. My heart was pounding in my chest while the empty hole was gaping causing me to hyperventilate. It was only a dream I kept telling myself but I wasn’t really sure about that, what if it was a memory? I sat there for what must have been hours, going over every detail of the dream.

At around mid day my cell phone rang. I ignored it the first time but picked it up the second time. It was Cole. He wanted to know if I needed anything and if he could come over so I told him that I did need something. I needed him to take me to go see Gordon. He didn’t sound very happy about it but agreed and told me that he would pick me up in a half an hour.

I quickly got dressed and combed my hair, trying to look half decent. My eyes were red and puffy from all the crying but I didn’t bother trying to hide it. I was probably going to cry again soon since my life is such a mess. Cole arrived on time as promised and drove me to the hospital where Gordon was.  He walked me in but didn’t come to his room with me, instead he waited in the waiting area.

I tried staying in control of my emotions as I walked into the room and sat down on the chair next to Gordon’s bed. I took his hand in mine and held it tightly. I wish I could remember him, I didn’t want to fight the memories anymore, I wanted them back even if they were going to break my heart all over again.

“I wish I could remember you” I whispered as I got up from the chair and moved so that I was sitting on the bed with him. He looked a lot frailer then he did in my dream last night. I didn’t understand why he would have tried to kill himself if we were so in love. Nobody knew why he did it, everybody was shocked since we seemed to be so happy together. I sat there for a while before I decided that it was time to go home and look through my room. I kissed him gently on his head and then left feeling worse than before.

Cole and I were on our way out when one of the doctors stopped us. He wanted to talk to me about Gordon. Usually they talk to a patient’s family but he didn’t have any. The doctor looked cold and sounded heartless as he told me that he wanted to take Gordon off of life support since there was no chance of him ever recovering, he was as good as dead, he said. His words shocked me into silence, I couldn’t let them do that, I couldn’t let them take him away from me.

“No, not yet” Cole said from beside me. The doctor didn’t look impressed but agreed that he wouldn’t.

“Thank you” I said as we walked to Cole’s car.

“Anything for you” he replied, opening the door for me. I got in and rested my head against the seat.

We drove home in silence and Cole came in with me.

“There’s something I need to do” I said turning to him. I didn’t want to be mean and chase him away but I really wanted to go through my room.

“I can help” Cole said sounding a bit worried.

“No, I have to do this on my own” I replied.

“What are you going to do?” he asked, his voice thick with concern.

“I’m going to go through my room, I need to remember” I answered, determined to remember what had happened.

“Ok and remember you can call me anytime you need me” he said nodding his head.

“I know” I said walking him to the door.

Once he was gone I made my way to my room and threw open the door. I scanned the room with my eyes and was met by dozens of photos of me and Gordon. On some of them we were laughing, on some of them we were hugging and smiling and on some of them we were kissing. I felt a sharp pain rip through my heart as I looked at the love of my life who I couldn’t remember.