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Love vs. Lust

Chapter 30

While I was freaking out the old man had somehow managed to get Gordon down onto the ground.

“Call 911” he shouted at me as he started doing CPR on him. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and dialed the number. I told them that we had and emergency and gave them Gordon’s address before hanging up. I wasn’t sure if they could understand a word I was saying through my hysterics but a few minutes later an ambulance arrived. The paramedics came rushing in and loaded Gordon onto a stretcher. They loaded him into the back of the ambulance and immediately started working on him. I drove in the ambulance with him, all the while holding his hand and sobbing. The medics were talking frantically but I was way too out of it to understand what they were saying.

Once we arrived at the hospital they wheeled him into the emergency room and told me to wait in the waiting room. I fell down onto one of the chairs and pressed my head into my hands. This had to be a nightmare, this couldn’t really be happening, I can’t lose him, I loved him too much to live without him.

“Is there somebody I can call for you?’ I heard a voice ask. I looked up to see the old man standing next to me. He looked genuinely concerned. I thought about his question for a second and then shook my head no. There was nobody he could call for me. I was all alone.

I don’t know how long I waited before a doctor approached me. He looked tired and I could tell that he didn’t have any good news to tell me by the look on his face. He sat down beside me and confirmed my worst nightmare. Gordon had a pulse but he couldn’t breathe on his own. Machines were keeping him alive. They were still running tests but he was almost certain that Gordon was brain dead. He told me how sorry he was and that they would have the tests results later today before he patted my shoulder and got up. He too asked me if there was somebody he could phone for me but one again I declined.

I just sat there in the waiting room. Waiting for somebody to come and wake me up. Waiting for somebody to come and tell me that this wasn’t happening, that my whole life wasn’t falling apart in front of me but that didn’t happen. It was around mid day when the same doctor came to talk to me again. He told me that they were still waiting for all the results but that I could go see him now. He led me to a room and then left. I walked in and freaked out all over again when I saw him laying on the hospital bed connected to a bunch of machines. I walked over to his bed and fell into the chair next to it as I took his hand in mine. I tried to stay calm but I couldn’t. I was so angry at him for what he did.

“How could you do this to me!? How could you just leave me!?” I shouted over and over again. I was on the verge of hysterics when two nurses came running into the room and dragged me out. They led me into one of the hospital rooms and waited with me until the same doctor arrived once again. He sat down on the bed next to me looking a bit nervous.

“You got the test results back” I stated when I was able to talk again.

“Yes” he replied, uncertain of how to tell me what was going on.

“It’s not good, is it?” I asked, already knowing the answer.

“No, it’s not” he answered.

“He won’t be able to survive without the machines” I stated again, as I let the reality of the situation sink in. This wasn’t a nightmare, this was real and Gordon was as good as dead.

“That’s right. We can keep him alive like that for as long as you want but he’s not ever going to wake up. His brain is dead, he lost too much oxygen” the doctor replied. I didn’t ask any more questions, I just shook my head in understanding and got up from the bed.

“Are you sure there is nobody we can call?” The doctor asked again. I thought about his question for a second before answering.

“No, there’s nobody” I replied as I walked out of the door. I could ask them phone my mom or Conner but for some reason I didn’t want to. My mom would take off from her job and rush back to me and I didn’t want to be the cause of her losing her job. The same went for Conner, I didn’t want to ruin his life. He was happy at college and he didn’t need me to complicate things for me. I already felt bad enough. I was the reason why Gordon killed himself. He said in his letter that he didn’t want me to blame myself but it is true. If I never came into his life, he never would have killed himself.

I walked out of the hospital and started making my way to Gordon’s apartment. It was a long walk but I didn’t care. I didn’t care about anything, nothing mattered now that Gordon was dead. When I finally reached his apartment I was out of breath and sore but I didn’t bother going inside. I just got into my mom’s car and drove off. I had no idea where I was going until I smelled the familiar smell of the ocean. I parked the car and ran down to the beach.

It was getting dark outside and I could see the first star of the night appearing. I heard a loud thundering sound in the distance accompanied by a flash of lightning. As the rain started pouring down around me I ripped off my clothes and ran into the water.

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