Wishful

Best of Me

Receiving Jungkook's soulmate mark makes me feel like I'm on the knife's edge of a full blown panic attack.  I can feel heart beating in a rapid staccato.  Every breath becomes harder and harder to take with my chest feeling tight!  I feel like I want to claw out of my skin from feeling so overexposed and trapped.  I need to leave now!

I stand up so suddenly from the kitchen table, that I knock my chair over and cause it to fall backwards onto the floor with a loud bang!

All conversations at cease and my soulmates all stop to stare at me with varying degrees of worry and confusion on their faces.  With the exception of Namjoon, Taehyung, and Jungkook the rest don't understand that my one of my bias wreckers has just intentionally claimed me.

How am I to process that Jungkook wants to bond with me while everyone stares at me?  I turn to flee but Taehyung grabs onto me and prevents me from leaving.  Doesn't he understand that I'm barely holding myself together right now?

"Taehyung please let me go."  I try to tug my arm free but he budge!

I can't explain myself right now, I just need to get away from the group's energy and be alone right now!  Looking into his soulful eyes - I can feel his concern and worry pouring over me in waves so strong that it's making me feel even more disoriented and lost. 

"Please." I beg unable to stop the tears that begin to fall down my cheeks unchecked.

I'm thankful that Taehyung has enough respect for me that he let's me go even if he doesn't understand my crazy behavior.

Finally able to escape to the safe space of my room.  Closing my door, I lie back on my bed grateful to be alone at last!  Taking a few deep cleansing breaths, I held my breath for two seconds and then slowly exhaled my breath over four seconds.  I had learned that performing this type of breath work will help to stop a panic attack, so I repeat this sequence several times until I feel my heart beat slowly return to normal and my anxiety start to dissipate.

I never would have imagined that this is how I would be feeling after receiving Jungkook's soulmate mark!  I would have thought that I'd be ecstatic - not consumed with an overwhelming fear that's triggered a fight or flight response.

What the hell is wrong with me?  Why am I tripping?

Maybe it has to do with the fact that receiving Jungkook's soulmate mark made my heart feel like it was being attacked with a battering ram.  I can feel in the depths of my soul that Jungkook isn't the type of man to be satisfied with anything less than having all of me, and that terrifies the shit out of me! 

I've never given my heart to anyone!

I'm used to hiding my true feelings about the guess I like, and you can bet your ass that I've never revealed to a guy that I've liked him before.  Sexually yes...but I've never verbally told a man that I've caught feelings.

Every since 5th grade when I left a note on Vance Martin's desk asking if he liked me.