Losing All But The Fight. (complete) updated.

Chapter 20.

Chapter 20.

If you find yourself high enough in the city it's like finding an entirely new plain of solitude. If you find a way up that is. So when people seem like ants do they really matter up here with all the empty forgotten roof tops and painted sky? Prospective can be a deceitful hell if you ask me.

A week now and I don't know how I feel about speaking. It's like a new tension has been dumped between us all. I haven't talked to Tom and it is what it is. I don't know if I'll go back to the gym unless I need to. I might see him around. With everything lifted between us it's best to lay low. It's coming down to the last hours here and I'll have to make a move soon.

I flicked my cigarette and blew out my last cloud of smoke. I didn't even like to smoke. Lately the repeat motion combined with the nerve calming nicotine has been calling out to my stress. Shameful relief. Disgusting habit but I won't die from this.

I took the pack out of my pocket and rotated it in my hands, looking out past the spread of exposed, dirty roofs and debated tossing it over. Dropping my eyes to the pea like people below, I rotated it again and stuck it back in my pocket. With my luck the pack would pick up enough speed to kill a puppy.

I think I might be losing my family. Josh and Vance have been kind but its like everything that was bright about my relationship with them, now seems tight and tense. It's like we're strangers again and I think it's because they realized we never really knew each other. I know them though. That still matters to me.

Vance is easygoing, kind, funny. Josh, well Josh was the reserved type, he payed attention to detail, and was different. Sure him and his brother had the same approachable nature when they wanted it to show. Josh just held himself in a calmer way like he saw much more than everyone else. It makes it hard to be around him. When he looks at me I spend to much of my energy wondering what he really sees? How much he sees? I don't know how I feel about it.

The sun dropped behind the buildings, flaring its last burst of pink yellow light across the darkening sky. I sat down to watch the drop as I pulled out my 15 dollar prepaid phone and dialed the number I knew by heart.

Listening to the ringing my heart beat sped up.

"Yeah?," Came through the line as I listened to shuffling in the back ground. "Hello?" He asked. "Hello?..."

"It's me." I spoke trying to make my voice seem solid.

The shuffling stopped a voice was cleared. It was him I knew it. "Are you ok?" He asked, gruffly with concern.

I sighed into the phone. "I'm not in a hospital if that's what your asking, Mr. Anderson?" My voice was still strained but teasing. There was a brief silence between us. Anderson and I haven't spoken in nearly a year. I used to check in from time to time and I felt guilty for the gap. "It's time. I'm out of choices." I croaked.

"What happened?" His voice revealed his underlying panic. "Is it his release? I caught it on the news. I'm sorry."

"I'll talk to you later ok. Listen. I'll be switching numbers just in case but do you remember the town?" Anderson is part of the reason I've had a fall out plan in the making for most of my life. I've always believed in never playing all my cards but he taught me to always expect the worst and plan for it.

"Yeah, toss your phone and call me from a different one ok. You sure you're alright? Do you need anything else?" I smiled at how worried he sounded.

"Thank you." I whispered. " Will you promise me something?" My voice wavered and I fought back the burning of my eyes. "If I don't..." I cleared my throat.

"Don't!" Anderson snapped.

"But...if I don't...will you make sure I existed?" The tears broke and I tried to fight them away with my sweatshirt sleeve. "Just someday I want to exist." I hung up the phone and smashed it against the brick letting out a cry of frustration.