Losing All But The Fight. (complete) updated.

Chapter 17.

Chapter. 17.

The shower I will admit did some good for my muscles. As for the rest of me, I could feel a whole new brand of tension flood my body. I was stalling and once I finally dried off I felt worse because this is where the story would have to begin. My brands. Tom's seen them but that was in a different setting and we never spoke of them. I was terrified to show them to Vance and Josh.

I slipped my shorts on and stood in front of the mirror in just my bra, brushing out my damp mass of hair. With every scar my eyes followed across the woman's body in the mirror I felt the memories come back. I imagined how much worse each of those outcomes could have been.

This was a horrible idea. I'm starting to feel sick.

How do I spill my life into their laps. In a way I felt like it would ruin what I found here. Nothing last forever, I'll tell myself like always.

I shakily trailed my fingers along the scare Drake gave me on my arm, the one that was still freshly stitched when I met Vance, the day I came here. By telling them I felt like I would be passing my scars on somehow. As ridiculous as it seemed, I felt like the truth would contaminate everything I found here. I found my peace again here and even though it came so unexpected. I've somehow formed a really screwed up family of my own, the unexpected false sense of safety I've found myself feeling around each of them didn't seem like reality.

I would rather leave them than risk bringing them into my hell. I'm terrified for what might happen. It breaks my heart when I think about putting them at risk but if I was to be honest with myself they really are already at risk by me being here. Which makes me reckless, selfish, and stupid. 

Doesn't change it.

If Tom hadn't of screwed with my head with all of his psychologically self healing bull crap for the last week, I probably wouldn't be doing this. Then I started imagining what Vance's reaction would be if I disappeared or if I died and it popped up on the news or in the paper. Would he think the worst. What would I leave behind? Nobody would know the truth. Vance, Josh, and even Tom would have no idea how much they actually meant to me. They would think I just blew into their lives out of necessity, which I did.

A knock pulled me away from my thoughts and I pulled on a light tank top. "Yeah?" I answered through the door.

"Are you ok?" It was Josh.

Am I ok? No. I'm not ok. I'm freaking out! I still think they might think I'm using them. "I'm coming out." I pulled my hair forward and opened the door.

Josh's full height filled the doorway where he looked down at me with a careful expression. "Vance is in the living room." He studied my reaction and placed a hand on each of my sagging shoulders.

I didn't think Vance would really still be mad at me. We fight all the time, lately more so. No, I won't let it cross my mind.

"He's not mad at you by the way." He tried to reassure.

I was nervous and as fidgety as I've ever been. "He might be. You all might be." My voice came out even to my surprise as I put my head down. Who was I to not consider him still being upset. I've done nothing but lie to him.

"I doubt it." He squeezed my shoulders and then guided me forward. "Come on."

"Josh?", I started. He turned back to me, eyes more measuring. "I know false identity and most of what you're going to hear me say are going to make you think the worst. I am a horrible friend for him. Just know that I didn't mean to care about your brother. It just happened. It wasn't in the plans."

Josh's face softened and I tried my best not to show my discomfort. It wasn't Josh but the look he gave me that made me squirm in discomfort. It stirred a deep vulnerability I locked away long ago, a longing to share something more than pain with someone else.