The Novak Dolls

Relationship Update

It was Saturday, Chuck had meetings all day, and there was a Macgyver marathon on TV, so Amara would not be leaving her apartment to check on anyone.

Thus, the Novak children were alone. And that meant Balthazar needed the latest tea while he and the rest of his siblings gorged on every snack food in the house.

"Alright people!" He declared, narrowly dodging a bag of chips that Hannah threw toward Michael. "DISH."

"About what?" Lucifer asked. "Cause if you want the dark dirty secrets of everyone on Christian Mingle, I got you."

"As fascinating as that sounds and we WILL be coming back to that, I meant about your RELATIONSHIPS! WHAT'S THE LATEST NEWS PEOPLE, COME ON."

"Yeah!" Hannah agreed. "Don't keep the fanpeople in the dark!" Their siblings quickly found other places to look to avoid eye contact.

"Why don't we start with the obvious?" Balthazar suggested. "GABRIEL!"  Gabe let out a groan. "Last I heard you handed your V-card to Sam Winchester. How's that going?"

"Fucking phenomenal, thank you," Gabriel insisted. "My moose is hella sexy, although..."

"Although?" Gabriel shrugged.

"I mean there is one thing that's sort of bothering me, but it's nothing-"

"Tell us! Maybe we can help!" Gabriel sighed.

"It's just..." He waved at Cas. "Sam and I have been together for about the same time as Cas and Dean, and they're in love and everything, whereas Sam hasn't told me he loves me once, and it bothers me a little."

"Have you told Sam you love him?" Anna asked.

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because I don't really think I know him well enough to say that I love him. We've only known each other for months, and sure I know plenty about him inside and out, but it just doesn't seem like enough to say something like that."

"Well maybe Sam's thinking the same exact thing and therefore you two should try to get to know each other a little better, and that'll help the words come easier." She suggested.

"I guess..."

"And besides," Michael added. "Saying 'I love you' is totally overrated. It's said so much nowadays that it's lost its meaning. Maybe you and Sam should come up with your own way of saying it, one that's just between the two of you."

"Chloe and I tried that once," Lucifer said. "We never found a phrase that we both liked enough that it stuck though, so we dropped the idea, but maybe you'll have better luck."

"Maybe." Gabriel shrugged. "I'll think on it for a bit."

"You thinking? That sounds dangerous."

"Oh shut up." Balthazar rolled his eyes and turned to his next victim. 

"Cassie? How are things on the Destiel front now that you and Dean are IN LOOOOOOVEEE?"  He asked. Cas fought back a grin.

"Just fine," He admitted. "We're gonna go ice skating next week."

"AWWW!" Hannah whined. "Why do you two have to be SO SWEET ALL THE TIME??"

"Better question," Balthazar said. "When are you guys gonna take the plunge and do the do?"

"WHAT." Cas's eyes widened. 

"Dance the horizontal tango, the forbidden dance. Hit a home run, knock boots, check the oil-"

"How many of these do you even HAVE-"

"Aggressive cuddling, batter dipping the corn dog, bam-bam in the ham, doing the Devil's dance-"

"Don't pull me into this," Lucifer muttered.

"The four-legged foxtrot, peeling the banana, giving the dog a bone, hanky panky, laying pipe, pants off dance off, rolling in the hay-"

"STOP." Cas pleaded.

"I'll stop when you answer the question," Balthazar insisted. Cas groaned.

"I DON'T KNOW," He said. "Dean and I haven't talked about that kind of stuff. We're just...taking things slow."

"See, that wasn't so hard!" 

"You're insufferable."

"I try."

"Honestly going slow is probably for the best," Anna said. "If you build a strong foundation in your relationship first, then everything else will just come easily."

"Good advice from a horrible source," Lucifer said. "Seriously, Ann, have you ever even had a relationship last longer than a week?"

"The record is five months!" Anna insisted. "That's a pretty long time!"

"WOW."

"So Satan," Balthazar started.

"Nope."

"How are things with Chloe?"

"For me to know and none of your business."

"That well, huh?" Lucifer rolled his eyes.

"We're fine," He said. 

"You ALWAYS say that and it's never enough! Surely you've got something interesting."

"Like what?"

"I don't know, like when you're gonna propose??" Satan squirmed.

"When I choose to propose to Chloe is none of your business, Balthazar-"

"YOU SAID WHEN."

"Oh crap."

"THAT MEANS YOU'RE GOING TO DO IT."

"IF-"

"TOO LATE, YOU SAID WHEN, WE ALL HEARD YOU. I SHALL BEGIN WORK ON CHLOE'S WEDDING DRESS IMMEDIATELY."

"WE'RE NOT EVEN GETTING MARRIED-"

"YET."

"Oh my god, Cassie's right, you are insufferable."

"And I EMBRACE IT."

"You definitely get this love life obsession from Dad," Hannah said. 

"I know I do," Balthazar agreed. "Aren't genetics wonderful?"

"They are fascinating."

"You know what else is fascinating?" Lucifer started. "Michael's relationship with his BUDDY-" Michael groaned.

"PLEASE stop calling her that," He begged.

"How is Lydia after New Years? Did she run away in terror from us all like Josh did?" Anna scowled and Michael rolled his eyes.

"No," He admitted. "And actually, if you must know, she's technically my girlfriend now."

"WAIT REALLY???" Lucifer jumped up. 

"Yes."

"I thought you didn't do girlfriends!" Michael shrugged.

"I mean it's not romantic or anything, we just wanted to label ourselves as something and that seemed the most appropriate because I WAS NOT GOING TO CALL HER MY BUDDY."

"I might cry, I'm so happy-" Satan said.

"You're such a fangirl."

"I know! I just can't believe my baby brother is finally dating his buddy-"

"SERIOUSLY."

"BUDDY SYSTEM FOR LIFE, MIKEY."

"You're an asshole."

"And you're a cuck!" Michael sighed. 

"I'm ignoring you now."

"Fine, I'm just gonna go commission people to make me fanart of you and Lydia."

"Don't you dare."

"But I WANT TO SEE IT."