Everything You Wanted Me To Be.

Chapter 78

Graces POV

I can't believe I've been such an idiot. I was so focused on the fact id lost our child, looking for signs it was gone that I successfully pushed Jace away and lost all sensibilities. He's probably going to leave me now and apply for soul custody or something. Fuck I messed up. I can't stop crying. I just want him to comfort me. I'm in an insane amount of pain right now.
"Jace...Jace please can you get a nurse? Please." Jace runs out into the hallway and shouts for help. A nurse rushes in.
"I need some pain relief. Or something I'm in a lot of pain."
"Okay hunny just lay back, sitting up won't help. I'm a bit limited to what I can give you considering how much you drank." I look mortified at Jace who isn't looking at me still.
"Please, it really hurts."
"I can run you an IV paracetamol but that's really all I can do?" I nod
"Thank you." She lays my bed flat and I lie on it. I'm crying because Jace is about to divorce me, my stomach is in agony and I'm mortified I did that to our child.
"Please don't leave me. I'm so sorry. I know I fucked up." I beg at Jace whose eyes find mine they are black there is no warmth in them for me right now. He looks away and crosses his arms.
"Jace..please I need you now."
"I'm well aware." He snaps. I'm relieved when the nurse comes in and hooks my IV to the paracetamol.
"Is anyone going to check my wounds?"
"Yes the doctor is coming to you next." I feel a sense of hostility from this women. To be fair I can't blame her I'd have reported me to whoever you report shit mums too. The IV is helping already though. I drift off to sleep. I don't mean to it just happens.

I wake up with a jump at the doctor walking in, it's not the doctor I've had all day it's an old man. He's putting gloves on. I look around the room. Jace is stood in the corner now. I wonder how long he's been there.
"Grace I'm going to feel your tummy okay?" I nod as soon as he puts pressure on I gasp.
"Does that hurt?" He asks and I nod.
"Grace I'm just going to uncover these to check for infection." I give him credit he was gentle exposing my stomach full of scars to be. He nods and smiles at me. He redressed them which hurts a lot.
"They look good actually all things considered. Now Grace, I've been made aware you consumed alcohol about an hour ago is that correct?"
"Yes, I thought I'd lost the baby im so ashamed of myself."
"Let's not worry about that, we just need to get it out your system as soon as possible, we could leave it in but I want to give your baby a healthy start."
"How are you going to?"
"Well we'd normally pump a stomach but im not wanting to add any extra trauma so I suggest you drink some of our solution which will make you vomit. It won't get it all but it will dilute it. Once your blood IV is done I'm going to put some saline ones up and keep them going to further dilute okay?" I nod.
"It's going to really hurt isn't it?"
"Yes being sick isn't going to be particularly great with your stitches."
"That's okay it's for the best. What about the bleeding?"
"Yes I've looked at your scan results and baby looks very healthy to me. My assumption is it's just from the trauma and it will subside. Until it does we will keep putting you on bloods. Which I can see you've had a lot of. You had your own private supply am I right?" I nod.
"You only have this one that is up left, we can of course draw from the normal pool of blood but if you wish to get your supply up again we can arrange that."
"What's the difference?"
"Obviously you know where your blood comes from, it's very compatible to yours. I'm going to assume it's your husbands and therefore will of course benefit your child in that respect."
"Okay thanks we will talk about it." I glance at Jace whose clearly deciding if he should help me or just throw me to the pool. A nurse hands me a bucket and the charcoal coloured drink.
"You need it down in one I'm afraid Grace." The doctor advises and I do as he says. Oh god it's awful. I look around at the room, how quick is this suppose to be? Oh that quick. I throw up into the bucket, over and over again. I can't have anything left in my stomach and I'm still heaving. My stomach is feeling so painful. I feel myself crying again. I just want Jaces comfort right now. I lie back down.
"I'll be back in a few hours Grace don't worry about the nurses coming in and out swapping IVs they'll be doing that a lot. You both should try get some sleep. Do you want me to pull an extra bed in?"
"No I'm fine on the sofa thank you though." Jace replies. My heart sinks a bit and I watch him take his seat again. I roll onto my side and face him.
"Can you pass me my stuff?" Jace grabs the bag and holds it up for me to find my toothbrush and toothpaste. I brush my teeth and spit into a paper bucket left with me. I feel a bit more human now.
"Please talk to me."
"I'll say something I regret if I do Grace."
"That's okay." Jace looks at me. He stands up and sits in the chair next to my bed on the side I'm facing.
"I'll donate to you. You didn't need to bring the baby into it."
"I didn't.. well I did but that wasn't why."
"Don't lie. You didn't think I'd donate to you if it didn't benefit my child. Once again you underestimate how I feel for you."
"How do you feel about me?"
"Not great right now."
"You said I fucked us up."
"You did. You really did Grace, I'm sure even you can see that." I can I know I was cruel and horrible to Jace. He didn't deserve me lying to him. I thought he'd leave me if he knew I'd lost it.
"I thought you would leave me, after the other times. I thought this would be our last chance."
"When have I ever said that? When have I ever said anything like that?"
"The cave. About me baron."
"Fuck Grace you know why I said that, I didn't mean anything like that. You're making excuses for your really shitty choices tonight."
"Are you going to leave me?" This is the question I really want to know.
"If we loose this child are you going to tell me the second it happens or quote hemmingway at me? You know a few hours ago I was begging for you to let me be here for you, for you to not leave me. You do one thing and I'm questioning our entire marriage."
"My fuck up was bigger than yours have ever been."
"It is not a competition." He's right there.
"I made a mistake, Jace of course I'll tell you and I won't quote hemmingway. I'll do it all right I'll give you this baby Jace. Just please don't leave me." I'm sobbing so hard, it's not just the insane pain I'm in all over it's my husband leaving me killing my insides.
"You don't get it still. I do not want you to give me a baby. That baby is ours, mine and yours and I wanted us as a family, you and me. I contributed to making it, I fucked you over and over to make this baby. So stop pretending it is all you carrying this. I wanted this baby too, but I wanted it with you. Fuck I was fully prepared to get back on it if you lost it."
"Was?"
"Mmhmm."
"Not now?"
"Grace.." Jace sighs, he hates me I can see it in his eyes. I think if I loose this baby now he really would hold it against me.
"We just need to see if this baby survives."
"You're going to leave me if it doesn't aren't you?" Jace raises his eyebrows at me like I fucked up again.
"Grace you really really messed up, you lied to me, you directly put our child at risk. No I won't leave you, I love you but right now there is a lot of resent towards you. You need to stop making excuses like I put you in this situation." He's being fair. I just want him to comfort me.
"I'm sorry."
"I know."
"Please forgive me."
"I don't have that in me right now Grace." I roll over and continue sobbing. At some point I fall asleep.
I am awoken to a nurse changing my IV. She smiles at apologetically. I glance around the room to find no Jace.
"What time is it?"
"It's 4am."
"Do you know where he's gone?"
"He left when I came in to change your bags, he said he was going for some air." I'm fairly certain Jace hasn't gone for fresh air. Probably to smoke and maybe get some coffee if he's been up all night. The nurse leaves the room I look out into the hallway and see Jace leant against the wall. He sees I'm awake and walks in. He stinks of smoke and aftershave, he's clearly trying to hide it.
"How do you feel?"
"Shit."
"I did mean physically."
"Still shit." He sighs and walks over to my bed, it's the closest he's been since dragging me into the hospital. He sits on the side of the bed and sighs he looks up at me. He looks really tired and slightly hungover.
"What are we going to do Grace?"
"Get back to how things were." He bites his lip in the way I love, he shakes his head like he's pained.
"I think we might struggle with that." I shake my head.
"I was an idiot, I panicked, had a lapse in judgement I'm not that person Jace. I'm the person I know you love." His eyes find mine.
"Move over." I shuffle to the side of the bed my IV is and Jace lays down next to me.
"You smell of cigarettes and Dior. I love it." He rolls his eyes and wraps an arm underneath me gently.
"I'm sorry I made you do the surgery."
"You didn't I chose to."
"I know I was pushing you though. Grace was that why you went off on me?" I nod.
"Sort of. I blamed you a bit because if you didn't want it I'd never have done it. When I was bleeding I was in pain and I just thought I knew."
"I could have killed you tonight. I was furious at you, I thought about leaving you but it hurt, I love you to much for my own good and yours too probably" I give him I smile he kisses my forehead and my heart swells.
"I swear I'll never be such an idiot again." He smiles
"You will be, but not about this. I'm also deadly serious that we need couples therapy. You clearly do not view me as the person that I am for you." I nod.
"I'm sorry." I whisper he kisses my forehead.
"I love you, I will always love you Grace. Even if I kill you in a crime of passion when you're an idiot." He smiles. He's joking it makes me laugh and it hurts way to much.
"I love you, so much. I'm so sorry Jace I promise I'll take good care of myself and them" Jace says nothing and just closes his eyes. I'm glad we made up. We both fall asleep in each others arms. After today I'm surprised he even is speaking to me yet. It just makes me love him all the more.