Everything You Wanted Me To Be.

Chapter 11

"Grace...Grace stop" he grabs my arm. "Let go of me Jace." I yank it away from him. He rushes infront of me " I am not the person I was. I'm sorry for how you found me, nothing happened with that girl, she was drunk and latching on to any male she could find....when I got home the next day and saw your letter it broke me. I almost chased you down and called the police to stop you getting out the state. I knew that would only push you further though. Please grace can we just talk, calmly?" I'm at my bedroom door now. I do kind of want to hear all his shitty excuses. I nod vaguely and climb into my bed. He sits on the side of the bed and takes my hand in his.
" I'm going to start the day I found out you were pregnant, I think that's when everything went bad. I think that's what you need to know and understand. Grace, we'd been so careful, you were on birth control and I thought it was impossible. I didn't know if you'd done it to trap me. You know kids is not something I ever want in my future nor ever wanted." I wince, I've not exactly wanted children, but when I lost my first one I knew that I did. I knew I had experienced the greatest loss. I want to be a mother some day, I will be too. "Grace, I know now you want children, and I'd love to stay in your life, I know I will come around to it. But at the time I thought you had motives. I know now how wrong I was. It was just an accident. When you lost the baby, I blamed myself, I'd been awful to you, I'd put you through an emotional rollercoaster." He did. When I told him he lost it, he threw his oldest bottle of scotch at the wall, permanently scaring my arm. He pushed so much work onto me at the office, I could barely keep on top of my school work. He was making me crumble. For what gain I never did know. Until finally the day came where I lay on the bathroom floor, crying over the child which never came to be born. It was a brief encounter with having a child, but it shaped me. " When you lost the child, sorry, when we, when we lost the baby, I felt both relief and grief, more than I ever thought I would. I resented you for the 14 weeks of hell you'd put me through. I subconsciously piled more and more work on you. Till you snapped. I thought that you needed time to chill out so put you on gardening leave, believe me I never knew how damaging that would be to you. When you came to the party I was shocked but numb, you could have said and done anything and I'd have been immune. You did the right thing leaving. I am a better man now; I'm going to be better for you." He says it like I don't have a choice. I do, believe me I do. He hasn't said anything I hadn't played over my head all the times I imagine this conversation going.

"You haven't said anything that remotely redeems you or is new information to me." He looks at me, his eyes are swimming in emotion. "I'm going to cook dinner, i could say anything I wanted, anything that you want so you hear the words you want. But I won't. I'm going to show you I can be the person you wanted me to be. I can be the Jace you fell for, I promise." "You broke to many of them" I snipe.

Jace walks from the room and I can hear pots and pans clattering around. I don't have the energy to fight with him, I'm not even sure I care to. Who am I kidding, course I do. I lie in bed staring out the window, Jace knocks on the door at 6 " I've made dinner, it's on the table." I roll my eyes but go and sit at the stupidly grand dining table. I haven't used it yet. I'm more of a microwave meal on my lap kind of girl now. The food looks amazing though, Jace always was an excellent cook. He's made my favourite, typical, feta and spinach ravioli with a creamy tomato sauce. To the side is a sharer Camembert. I tuck into the food, it's good, so good. Of all the things I missed about Jace it was certainly his cooking. Even drunk he made the best cheese on toast.

I finish my plate and wipe my mouth. "thanks that was really good." I smile, the meal had been in silence, I was grateful for the peace. Jace takes my plates to the kitchen side. He turns around and leans on the granite. "Grace id really like for us to try again, it's why I arranged this penthouse, I was hoping it could be ours?" "I'm not ready to think about that right now. You need your own place too, I can't just ignore the past Jace." My eyes well with tears. God damn hormones. He rushes to my side and puts his hand on my cheek. "Baby I'm so sorry, please don't cry. I just want to fix us. You're everything to me." "I know, I know Jace." He rests his head on my forehead.