Everything You Wanted Me To Be.

Chapter 43

I wake up in our room. Jace is next to me and he smiles when he sees my eyes flutter. I don't feel any pain but I can feel a tube down my throat and it makes me wretch. "Grace, grace.. calm down.. it's Geoff, I'm going to remove your tube now. It won't be comfortable." I feel him pulling it from my mouth. I cough alot and I heave. He passes me a paper bucket I keep heaving but nothing comes. He smiles "don't worry, totally normal, Water?" I nod. He passes me a bottle and I take a sip. It immediately settles my wrenching throat and dry burn. "Thank you." I croak. He nods. "Your surgery went really really well Grace. We cleared all infection. Stitched you up and you spent some time on dialysis in theatre. I hope you don't mind. We were a little...unorthodox. We opted to put you on bi-pass and do it that way. It was a much quicker solution. It's why you have a dressing on your chest. Also why Jace was out first. He almost killed us for doing it...if he could walk." He laughs heartily. Jace throws something at him but I don't see what. "Thank you." "I'll leave you be for a bit." I look over at Jace. Our beds are separated, we've both collected a few more tubes now. "Hey." He smiles "hi" I whisper. "You're going to be fine Grace." He beams he's genuinely really happy. "Are you?" I croak. He nods. "Yes, eventually. My leg was bad but Lisa fixed it, removed the bullet. I think I'm going to get another tattoo over it. My flank...not so great but it's fine. I'm on a transfusion now." He motions to the blood bags attached to his drip. "Will you need any more surgery?" He nods. "Just one." I smile, but I'm sad. I'd hoped he'd be fixed. "Are you in any pain?" He asks. I shake my head "no I feel..good actually." Jace points to my IV bag. "They put you on the good stuff." He grins. "You?" He smiles "I'm fine baby." He's not. "That isn't what I asked" "yes I'm in pain grace. I opted for no pain relief ok?" "Why" "you know why." "You don't have to do this to yourself Jace." "It's okay Grace. I promise." Lisa walks in to interrupt our argument. "Grace I have your bloods back." I look at jace.

"So, despite Jaces stupidly risky stunt of blood drawing for you. He has actually done you a favour. I had your notes sent over for Edinburgh and I have compared them. Your iron is perfect, your not anaemic anymore. I redrew after your bipass and they improved again. Jaces blood was actually really good for your levels. I think it's how you feel so well but actually you're not. You're on some more antibiotics because you are showing infection markers on the bloods. Generally though I'm impressed. I'd suggest that as you're both private patients once Jace is better he banks some blood for you. It's improved at an excellent rate." Jace beams at me. He already new this I'm sure. "Does that mean?" Lisa nods "theoretically your iron won't prevent you carrying to term. I want to do another internal exam in a few days once you recovered." "Today, do it today" "Grace you've been through a lot." "Please" I beg I look over at Jace he rolls his eyes. "If she says to do it." "Okay. I'll be back in a second."

"Thank you." I turn to Jace.
"Whatever are souls are made of, he and mine are the same." He quotes back to me. It's literal.
"I mean it."
"I know, but I also mean what I said Grace, I don't want a child." My heart drops and he sees that
"I don't want it now." He corrects and I smile. Lisa wheels the machine in and turns the light off. Clicking a projector button. "Can you just open your legs Grace? This is an internal ultrasound." I do as I'm told and I see the inside of my womb. Lisa has a pointer. "So Grace, you see here and here." I nod. "This is scarring, that's what the doctor in Edinburgh was worried about" Lisa pushes the ultrasound further up, I can feel it although I feel no pain. "Here is your right overy which is for the most part healthy." Most part? "Why?" "I'm going to show you. Over here is your left overy." I can see it's a funny shape and I look at Jace he's looking down like he also already knew this. "What wrong with it?" Lisa circles some slightly distorted image around it "Grace this is scarring, it's from where the bullet went through you. Jace mentioned how the man said about hitting an artery. They assumed you because you bled quicker, whilst yes it's true, they also hit your overy slightly, but it caused irreversible damage Grace." My eyes flood with tears. "What does it mean?" She moved the prompt back the right overy "Grace this one is healthy, no real damage or scarring. But it means you only have one overy releasing eggs. It's not impossible it just will slow the process." I nod. I look at Jace who is looking down the bed. "Grace, Jace there is one more thing." He looks up and raises a brow. She moves the probe lower. "Grace this is your womb. Here.." she circles two tiny blobs. "These are eggs; they're implanted in the linings which means, Jace, they are fertilised. This is literally days old. I can only see them because of our far far advance technology. There is still a very high chance you pass these eggs in your period Grace. Most people wouldn't ever know they were pregnant. They're called chemical miscarriages." "Do you think they will?" She nods. "We had no knowledge of them being there in surgery, when we put your drips in, we wouldn't even class this as a pregnancy yet Grace. The trauma your body is in right now, from 3 days ago, leads me to strongly suspect they were there when you got shot or just after. I think you'll come on your period like normal and wash them away." I nod. "Thank you." I whisper. She smiles and leaves us.

I stare at the ceiling. I can feel Jaces eyes on me. Tears roll down my cheek. "He got it. He got what he wanted." "I'm so sorry Grace." Jace says. He knows I mean how they wanted one overy damaged. Maybe they already knew. I glance at Jace who meets my eye. "We are very compatible physically." "Huh?" I smile but barely. "You healed me, and we've conceived multiple children easily." I look at him and he smiles. "We really should get you on that pill." I nod. We are both ignoring our two tiny blobs right now. They are just false hope.
"What if they?" Jace looks at me. "What if they stick?" I nod. He runs his none cannulated had through his hair.
"Then you'll be over the moon and I will...support you."
"I don't want you to support me." He sits up quickly and winces.
"The fuck Grace?"
"I want you to be excited, love them, be a family." "I will." He's sat up glaring at me.
"You won't, you won't want them, and you won't want me." He leans back down and says nothing. He knows I'm right. Which leaves just one choice. "I'll do it."
"Do what?"
"What you're thinking. What you want."
"I'd never make you do that."
"Hopefully we don't have the choice." My harsh words hurt me. This child has the potential to be everything anyone ever once and here I am throwing it away.
"She's going to check again."
"What?"
"She said she's going to keep checking the eggs to see if it goes anywhere."
"You knew?"
"No she mentioned to Geoff if she finds one, she'd follow it to make sure she knows if it'll grow." I nod. Lisa seems great.

"Jace?"
"Mmm"
"Why did you change your mind? The week of the wedding it was all you wanted. You wanted me to not take the pill."
" I'm sorry."
"But why?"
"I won't be any good for a child right now. I need us to go home, get back to life, get back to love, us both be healthy. Grace.." he pauses. "I can feel myself slipping into old ways. The smoking, drinking. I'm trying to stop here. That's why I'm here. I'm trying to be good for you. I don't feel like I deserve to be here with you. Not after what I did."
"You've got to make peace with yourself." He nods.
"I understand Jace. I support you." I press the call button. "What do you need baby?" Lisa runs in.
"Is there anyway to stop it?"
"Fuck sake, Grace no, just drop it!" Jace shouts in his least shouting voice.
"The baby, can it stop growing?"
"Grace the odds of that baby even surviving are slim. You're on morphine and all sorts of drugs, I'm almost certain it won't stick."
"But if it does?"
"We can of course help you get an abortion."
"I don't want that; I don't want to get to that point. Right now it's not a child right?" She nods. "It's cells; we shouldn't even be able to see them right?" She nods again.
"What can you do?"
"We can remove them like IVF. You could freeze them and later implant them to see if it sticks." I look at Jace this is a good option.
"Do it."
"Grace, you're so weak, I wouldn't want you to put under again."
"So don't, keep me awake, do it now." She looks at Jace whose eyes aren't meeting mine, he is blaming himself.
"Grace, don't be so stupid. I said I'd support you. Fuck. "
"Jace it's not stupid. It's a perfect solution really. Fertilised embryos, our fertilised ones. Your one if you ever wanted it." He looks up.
"I'll never need it." I smile. I know what he means. He's never going to part with me. "Please." I look at Lisa.
"I'm not going to do it today Grace. I'll do it tomorrow with the help of the correct specialist. Please think about this though." I nod.
"Thank you."

"Don't do it Grace." I look at Jace. He's desperate. "It's more risk, it's pain for you." "I'll be fine." "I don't want to loose you." "Jace I'll be awake, how bad can it be?" "You hate needles." I laugh. "I do but I want this. I want to give us a chance further down the line." He looks at me and nods. "Fine. But I claim one of them." I smile "fortunately you'll never need it."