Devoted Nobility

Chapter 113

Sophia

Alexander came to my door every morning and sent me letters every evening. I turned him and his writings away. I had nothing to say to him. It was not easy for me, however. I craved to see his face and to hear his voice. But I knew that the only words that would come out of his mouth would be an explanation for his actions. I couldn’t stand to hear it. I had to accept that things were different.

I tried to write to Alexander to make my point clear, but I couldn’t find the right words. Every letter I wrote ended up crumpled in the trash. I knew it was cruel to tell him nothing, but I stayed silent just the same.

On December 31st, a page entered my room after breakfast.

“Your Grace, Prince Alexander wishes to visit.”

I rolled my eyes. “My answer remains the same as it has for the past three weeks. I do not wish to have his presence.”

The page bowed his head and then exited. I sat down on the couch and picked up the book I had been reading last night. Just as I opened the front cover, my door opened and then closed swiftly.

I looked up to see Alexander standing in my doorway. “What are you doing here? I said I did not wish to see you!”

He looked me sternly in the face. “I am well aware. However, as I am the future king, my orders are taken more seriously.”

I slammed the book shut and threw it to the floor as I stood up. “How dare you? If you are here to poor out your heart about the difficult decision to kill your brother, save your breath and leave.”

His face softened. “There are two reasons I am here and that is not one of them.”

I did not want to speak to him, but I knew he wouldn’t leave until he had accomplished whatever he had set out to. I gestured for him to sit down. He took a seat on the couch and I childishly decided to sit in the chair across from him instead of next to him on the couch. He made no mention of it.

“First, I wanted to make sure you were alright. I haven’t seen you in a long while and grew worried when you declined to attend tonight’s new year celebrations.”

I looked at my hands. “I am feeling very well. It is kind of you to forcefully check up on me”, I said sarcastically.

He ignored my comment. “Secondly, there are many things that we need to discuss and we are running out of time to discuss them.”

I looked up at him. “Whatever do you mean? How are we running out of time and what need we discuss?”

He sighed. “In two days, you will retire to your lying-in chambers until the baby’s birth. I am not allowed to enter and I believe there are things we need to discuss face to face first.”

I nodded. “Fine.”

“The child needs a name. Do you have any ideas?” He asked.

I bit my cheek. “Do I have any ideas? Well, if it is a boy I am sure you and your father and his advisors and the nobles will be in charge of such decisions. If it is a girl, no one will care, so my thoughts won’t matter either.”

Alexander again chose to ignore my harsh words. “There is also the matter of godparents. Is there anyone you would like to acknowledge by giving them the honor of being our child’s godparents?”

I had a perfectly reasonable response, but I continued on my path of utter rudeness. “Let me think. My family is far, far away and do not care about me unless they need something. Lucy is dead. Charlotte has been banished. Jane is indifferent to me at the moment and Amelia ‘needs time to process’ our friendship. So, no. I have no one left.”

Alexander clenched his fists. “Look, I did not come here to make you forgive me. I am respecting your wishes to be upset. I came here to be civil. One of us had to and it was not going to be you.”

He was right. “I’m sorry. To honestly answer your questions, I think choosing a name should be left to when the child is born and has a face and a gender. As for godparents, I cannot think of anyone. I am sure perfectly suitable couples will fall out of the woodwork as soon as my due date approaches.”

Alexander’s attitude shifted towards pain. “Why won’t you forgive me or at least listen to me?”

“It is not that I can’t forgive you, but that I won’t.” He looked confused, so I continued. “I have tried to change the world. I thought that I could do it. I was naïve and a dreamer. I now know that I cannot. I am not strong enough or powerful enough to make a difference. Whenever I had an opportunity to defy what I was told, it was always you that convinced me otherwise. Our love has poisoned me into sitting in the shadows and doing nothing.”

Tears slipped down my cheeks as I finally put to words what I had been trying to for days. “My love for you is pure and the best part of my life. It makes me whole and happy. It makes you the most important thing in my life, which is good. But that love is obliterating the person I want to be.”

Alexander stood up. “How?”

I wiped my tears away. “You are my anchor. You show me reason and I listen to you because I know you are right. But sometimes doing the right thing is wrong. I swore that I would avenge Lucy. I had a plan. It was poorly thought out and crazy, but sometimes things are so crazy that they work. I could have done it until you stopped me by telling me how ridiculous it was. Now I have done nothing. I converse with your father and smile in his presence as if he is an angel.

“I could have stood up to the King and the peasants to protect Charlotte. I could have told them the truth about her husband despite what it would have cost me. You made sending her away seem like a good idea. I know it was in some ways and I do not blame you. I just know that it is too late for me to become the person I wanted to be because I will always have you to remind me of everything that I cannot lose.”

Alexander stared at me in confusion. I knew what I was saying didn’t make a lot of sense to him, but it did to me. “If our love is so strong, then why are you pushing me away?”

I smiled. “Because I love you too much to let me destroy you. You will be a magnificent king. To be that king, you will have to take risks and ignore reason for the sake of change. I do not want you to use me as a reason to be mediocre. I will not be your anchor. I can’t be.”

Author's Note- On a lighter note, do you have any ideas on what the baby's gender/name will be? xoxo