Devoted Nobility

Chapter 111

Sophia

I couldn’t think clearly. Could it be true? Would he have done this? I wanted to believe it wasn’t him.  I wanted to put the letter back where I found it and forget everything, but I couldn’t do it. I didn’t know what to do. I needed time to think. I had to go and be alone.

Just as I began to walk towards the door, it opened and Alexander stepped through it. I crumpled the note up quickly and held it in the palm of my hand.

I heard him say, “A servant will bring our breakfast up in a few minutes”.

I couldn’t look him in the eye. I kept my eyes on the floor as I struggled to find an excuse to leave. “I have to go. I need to go.”

Alexander’s voice sounded confused as he responded. “What do you mean you need to go? I thought we were going to spend the day together.”

I could hear my heart racing in my ears. “I can’t. I must leave… now.”

I quickly raced to the door, but just as I reached for the knob, Alexander stepped in front of me. I looked up into his eyes. I couldn’t explain what changed in that moment, but something did. His deep blue eyes were different. Though they were physically the same, my realization changed them. I was suddenly very afraid of him and his stance that was blocking the exit. If he was able to kill his own brother, what else was he capable of?

He looked confused. “What is wrong? Why do you look so horrified?”

I needed answers, even though I already knew them. Every little thing he had said about his brother all made sense in this moment. “You killed your brother.” I said it as a statement because it was no longer a question.

He clenched his jaw. “Why would you think that?” I held up the note that I had been hiding in my hand. His eyes focused on something over my shoulder. “I can explain.”

I rolled my eyes. “You can explain? Fine. Tell me why you had to have your brother murdered. How did that help anything?”

He reached for my hand, but I pulled away from him. I wouldn’t let him look into my eyes and make me understand. I wouldn’t let him manipulate me this time.

He sighed. “I did what I had to. It wasn’t easy, but he was a danger to my country and a danger to my family. I had to do it.”

I was practically seeing red. He had to do it. No, he did not have to do it. Matthew needed help. He needed a friend, but not a death sentence.

“So that is all you have to say?” I was in shock at how casual he was about this.

Alexander nodded. “Yes. Unless you have another question.”

Did I? He had given a very clear answer to my main question and the letter had answered all of my others. I turned away from him and walked towards the couch. I was about to sit down, but I couldn’t. I would not make myself comfortable in this room. I was too afraid of the man who lived here. Instead, I just stood next to it.

Alexander walked towards me, but kept his distance. Maybe he could sense my fear of him.

I couldn’t think. I didn’t know what to do. I felt stuck. I wanted to walk out of the door and be alone, but there was some part of me that couldn’t do it. I wasn’t sure if I just couldn’t leave Alexander no matter how angry I was, because I loved him. Or maybe I needed more answers.

I just stood there remembering all that transpired after Matthew was murdered. I remember his funeral and how cold Alexander was. King Louis was also hard faced that day. I wouldn’t be surprised if he were involved in this, too.

I remembered the sad faces of Queen Margret and her children. I remembered little Victoria crying in my arms for day after day. Suddenly, my heart broke into a million pieces as I remembered yet again. It was my selfishness that completely broke me. I thought of the days on end I spent in my bed overcome with grief for Matthew… and Alexander by my side, comforting me.

I looked up to him and found him looking at me, as if he was waiting for me to fall over. “I am so disgusted with what you have done, the betrayal you have committed against your family. However, I am just as any other human. I am flawed. It is these flaws that cause me to be so angry. I am selfish and it is your betrayal against me that hurts the most.”

He seemed confused.

Before he could open his mouth and make things worse, I explained. “I can forgive you for making a bad choice. We all have. But, I know that if roles were reversed I would have told you. How could you not? You saw me suffer for a long time. You held me when I cried. You wiped away my tears. You got me smile when it felt impossible. How could you not have told me that it had been you all along? It was you who broke me and you still felt you had the right to put me back together.”

He looked as if he was about to cry. “I love you. If I thought that me sharing that with you would have made it better, I would have. But I knew it wouldn’t.”

“That is not love! Love is not hiding something from someone because you feel it best. Love is respecting someone enough to be honest with them, no matter how hard the truth!” I felt as if I were going to explode. I didn’t think before I opened my mouth. “Do you even love me?” It didn’t come out as a question, but an accusation. I wanted to pull the words back into my mouth, but they were already gone.

I couldn’t explain the look on Alexander’s face after I spoke. It was twisted in such pain and frozen horror that I do not know the words to explain it. The closest thing I can think of is the look of a decapitated head.

He didn’t speak. He just stared at me with that face.

I was too confused now. I had no idea how to feel. I hated myself just as much as I hated him. Who was wrong?

I couldn’t stand it anymore. The part of me that was holding me in the room gave up. I stormed past Alexander and out the door. He didn’t make a move to stop me.