I was at a Father-Daughter dance with Ryan.
"Thanks for taking me here..." I said, slow dancing with him.
"My pleasure, Sunshine. Thanks for being open." Ryan said, spinning me around. "Wanna dance?" I asked.
"I thought you'd never ask." Ryan said. I hugged Ryan and said, "I love you, Dad."
"I love you too, Sunshine." Ryan said.
"I needed a distraction from everything that's been going on at home and stuff, so thanks." I said. Ryan spun me around and said, "That makes sense. You know that you can talk to me whenever."
"Yeah. I'm just used to bottling up my emotions. I used to get yelled at whenever I cried." I said. I didn't even tell Elle that, but that was how I grew up.
"I'm sorry that's how you grew up. You don't deserve that." Ryan said, hugging me tight. I loved Ryan, he was like my dad.
"I'm so used to bottling them up that letting it out is scary...who knows when Elle will turn on me." I said.
"Elle will never turn on you, and neither will I. I know that doesn't make it any easier, I just want you to know that." Ryan said, dancing with me.
I then realized what was coming up. My band concert. Elle told me Jessica had a doctor's appointment that day, and I was torn between telling her or not.
"Elle told me Jess had a doctors appointment on the 15th...that's the night of my band concert. She doesn't know about my solo and I wanna keep it a surprise...I don't know what to do." I said.
"That's tricky... Do you want someone to record it? Or I can say I have something that I need Jess at and we can reschedule her appointment." Ryan said. I sighed, and said, "Maybe...I don't want Elle to miss my solo...I worked way too hard."
"I promise you, Cat, between the two of us - we can figure something out." Ryan said.
"It won't matter either way, I have dangerously low self-confidence and whenever I hear myself play it makes me want to sob. "
"Elle and Jess love you more than life itself, and you could never be a disappointment." Ryan said, kissing my head.
"Come on. You guys are Broadway stars, you cannot love me that much. Your jobs are more important than me..." I said, starting to cry.
"Nothing is more important than you, Cat. Not my job, not my apartment, not my car. Nothing." Ryan said, hugging me to his chest.
"But I feel alone, Ryan. You should see me sobbing in my room at night. I feel alone in the universe. I am alone in the universe." I said, starting to go on a rant.
"It's okay to cry, it's okay to break down and punch a pillow. Feeling alone, it's not bad. It's human." Ryan said.
"But I really feel alone, Ryan. I'm worried that when I wake up in the morning, you guys would leave me. Or worse, start to abuse me. I'm worried that Jessica will die when I'm not looking." I said. Ryan stopped dancing and said, "Listen to me, Catlynn. No one will ever abuse you again. Not me, not Elle, not Jess, not Evan, not anyone. Jess... Jess's situation is definitely unique. But, she's not going anywhere."
"You're...you're saying there's a chance she'll die. That I'm right." I said. Ryan betrayed me.
"That's not what I'm saying at all. Jess is not going to die." Ryan said. "How do you know? She's been in the hospital more times then I can count. 4 out of the 9 of us have been hospitalized at least once in the past 4 months. I'm losing hope, Ryan. I'm seriously losing hope." I ranted.
"Fear is one of our most powerful emotions. It drives so many of our decisions. Do you want to know what other emotion matches fear in strength?" Ryan asked.
"What?" I asked.
"Love." Ryan said. I started to sob, going on a rant. "I'm sick of living like this. I'm sick of living in fear...WHY CAN'T EVERYTHING CRASH-RELATED BE OVER ALREADY? It's been 3 months!" I said. Ryan held me tight and just let me cry.
"I just want the worst to be over...I don't want to go to the hospital again...I don't want to go home alone because Jess is at the doctors...I don't want to see Jess on crutches...I want the nightmares to stop...Ryan...Don't leave me...you're one of my last hopes I have left...Jess is on the edge, Elle's on the edge..." I said. I really needed to rant. Ryan hugged me tight and said, "Never. Wherever you go, I'm always going to be right beside you. I'm always going to have your back."
"Ryan...I'm so sorry...I ruined tonight." I said. Ryan kissed me on the head and said, "Do you want to spend the night at my house? We can binge a few movies, eat junk food, and just hang out? Forget about our worries and just enjoy the night?" I lit up, and said, "I would love that."
"Want a piggy-back ride?" Ryan asked, and I said, "Yeah!" Ryan picked me up and said, "Hold on tight!" I grabbed onto him and was giggling the whole way as he sprinted to his apartment. He flipped me on the couch and I was giggling.
"You know what I hate?" I asked, finally catching my breath.
"What?" Ryan asked, putting popcorn in the microwave.
"Being home alone every time Jess has a doctors appointment. It makes me worried that she won't come home." I said.
"Next time she has an appointment, why don't I come over? I'll sneak in through the window like JD? Though, less murder-y. I'm not as killy-killy, stabby-stabby." I laughed, and said, "You would do that for me?"
"Of course." Ryan said, sitting down beside me. "I'm so sorry...I'm such a disgrace." I said.
"You're not a disgrace." Ryan said softly.
"I know you wanted to have fun...but my anxiety's taking over...I'm sorry." I said, crying.
"I want to do whatever will make you feel better." Ryan said.
"Cuddles?" I asked. Ryan hugged me and said, "Cuddles."
"I love you, Catlynn. More than anything else." Ryan said.
"More than your job? Cause I find that hard to believe. You guys found me on the street." I said.
"More than any job I could ever have." Ryan said.
"Can I just let it out?" I asked, curling up on Ryan's chest. "Do what you need to, whether that's cry or have me hold a pillow for you to punch or anything else." Ryan said softly.
My stomach started to cramp up. Those anxiety stomachaches were back.
"I'm getting those anxiety stomachaches again..." I said.
"What would help?" Ryan asked.
"Elle always rubs my tummy when it hurts...can you try that?" I asked. Ryan smiled at me and said, "Of course." I laid down on the couch and Ryan gently rubbed my tummy.
"Let me know if you get uncomfortable or if you want me to stop or anything, okay?" Ryan said, still gently rubbing my tummy.
"It's hurting again..." I said.
"Okay, okay. Just focus on me, okay? Do you want me to tell you a story?" Ryan asked. I nodded, and Ryan proceeded to tell me the entire plot of Star Trek while continuing to rub my stomach. Which worked.
"I'm getting sleepy...but you know I get scared. I'm scared I'm gonna get a nightmare... I just want the nightmares to stop somehow..." I said.
"What do you think will help you?" Ryan asked.
"I'm scared... what if I have a nightmare? You know how bad they get..." I said.
"Then... then we'll figure it out. I can't promise I'll do everything perfectly, but I'll do my best." Ryan said.
"I wanna go to sleep...but I'm so scared." I said.
"Ooh! I have an idea! Are you okay for a few seconds? I'm going to go grab something." Ryan said. Ryan got up and came back with a blanket.
"What is this for?" I asked.
Ryan put the blanket over me and said, "This is a weighted blanket. It acts like a hug."
"Ryan, how will this help with my nightmares?" I asked.
I said, "Good night, Ryan."
"Good night, Cat. Sleep well."
______
"RYAN!" I screamed at the top of my lungs after a nightmare.
"What? Huh? Oh, Cat...do you want to talk about it?" Ryan said, hugging me tightly.
"It was the old normal crash nightmare...but you died too. I lost you and Jess in the same night." I said, sobbing hard.
"Oh, Cat I'm right here, okay? Listen to my heartbeat. I'm alive." Ryan said, hugging me tightly.
"I don't want to lose anyone again...I already lost Ethan..." I said.
"I'm not going anywhere, Cat. Neither is Jess or Elle or anyone else. Why don't you tell me something good? Something happy?" Ryan said.
"No thanks." I said. All I could remember was the crash. The crash, the crash, the crash.
"Really? Not one good memory or experience? Nothing with Elle or Jess or anyone else in the cast or with your friends?" Ryan said.
"I remember my birthday party. And Spelling Bee. Nothing good has happened since the crash, besides Capture the Flag and movie nights." I said.
"Okay, tell me your favorite memory from Spelling Bee." Ryan said.
"When me and Lachlan would bother Erin all the time during rehearsals. Or Elle as an audience volunteer." I said.
"What would you and Lachlan do?" Ryan asked, smiling.
"Sometimes we would say stupid stuff just to make her laugh. There was one time I purposely messed up my line and said something completely stupid and she just broke down laughing while trying to sing." I said.
"Was that during a show or during rehearsal?" Ryan asked.
"During our first rehearsals. When we were blocking Chip's elimination." I said.
"First rehearsals are always fun. Any other good memories? What about before Spelling Bee?" Ryan asked.
"My birthday party." I said.
"Oh yeah? What did you like about your birthday?" Ryan asked.
"Karaoke!" I said.
"What was your favorite song sung?" Ryan asked.
"The I Love You Song. Why are you making me talk about this stuff?" I asked.
"Because no matter how bad things get and how much pain and fear there is in our lives, it's important to remember the good, the happy, and the fun. Plus, I like how your eyes light up when you're happy." Ryan said.
"I don't like talking about the good because it reminds me about how quickly it was taken away from me. The day of the crash, you took me to the mall. Two hours after we left, boom. Jess was almost taken away from me. Can...Can I quickly call Jess? Just to make sure everything's okay?" I asked.
"Of course." Ryan said.
"Hello? Jess?" I said. "Hi...it's me...I'm at Ryan's...I had a nightmare and just wanted to call you." I said.
"Oh, Sunshine. Do you want to come home?" Jessica said. I sighed, and said, "It's 1 in the morning. If it isn't too much trouble, I'd love to come home."
"Elle will be there in 10 minutes." Jessica said, and I hung up.
"I'm going home. Separation anxiety." I said to Ryan.
"Okay, Sunshine. I love you." Ryan said, giving me a hug.
"Love you too, Dad." I said.
AN: CAT IS SO SMOL I LOVE HER SO MUCH SHE IS MY SMOL PRECIOUS BEANNNN. And I did not expect this chapter to get so long...oops! Anyway, hope you enjoyed! Catch ya later!