Kaia's POV
I could probably find a thousand reasons to excuse my behaviour. I can't tell the difference between what's real and what's a lie anymore and part of that reason is Cade. He followed me around and pestered me until I agreed to go on a date with him and we ultimately did start going out, and then he breaks up with me and then want to be with me again. As a person who prefers a simple life, this is just got my head in.
But I felt bad pushing him away constantly. At lunch the following day, I noticed Cade was sitting on the table with Kieran and Vi. I know Cade saw me because we connected eyes and I walked out. Cade didn't follow me and I'm glad. He probably finally listened to me and let me accept all this on my own. To be honest, I feel like it is all too soon. He just broke up with me and it was too sudden. I don't understand why he wants to start from the start, but I started to question everything again. I realized how stressed I was while in a relationship with him.
That night I thought about it more. I laid in bed, stared at my ceiling while Vivian was having a fight with her step-dad. Her argument echoed in the background and the sound of Kieran playing videogames boomed through the walls. But I zoned it all out. I was in my own little world and I just thought to myself. Would it be that bad if I started dating Cade again? Is there any reason why I should date him again? Is there any reason why I shouldn't date him? I started to think that I was being unreasonable here.
But then I thought about Cade's behavior during the time of our relationship, and then I thought about mine. I convinced myself I was happy with him, but I was constantly worried about him. He would avoid me at times, and I couldn't understand why. I thought, as his girlfriend, I had the right to know and be there for him. But what if we're at the stage where neither of us are actually prepared to date. Or maybe it's not me. Maybe it's just Cade.
He says he's ready to date again, but what if that's just his wishful thinking. What if he thinks he's fine but really, he's pushing the real problem away and trying to avoid it again. And if we date again, what happens when those problems come back, and he breaks up with me again until he recovers before wanting to be with me again.
But then the real question came up. We're going to graduate soon. We might go to different places. I want to go back to Australia. Cade will likely stay in America. He might move to another State. We might even move to another State if I did stay. We would probably go to different colleges. What guarantees that we would be beside each other the next few years. Maybe breaking up was for the best. Perhaps all high schoolers are simply undateable.
The following day, I actually sat at the table with Cade, Kieran and Vi. Cade was surprised but he didn't say anything about it. He stayed quiet and I'm glad he did. I wanted to ask Cade why did he really break up with me – what happened to him? But I couldn't. Not in front of Kieran or Vi at least. I felt like this was a personal conversation that Cade would not want anyone to know. He probably doesn't even want me to know. So, I didn't say anything. I pretended that we never dated, and we were all just friends. It was hard, and it was awkward, but I think I managed.
A few weeks later, my relationship with Cade has improved. We talked to each other more frequently and this earnt a lot of confused stares by everyone at school. People have approached me and asked if Cade and I started dating again and I would tell them the truth. That we aren't and we're trying to be friends. But Cade continues to tell everyone he intends to win me back. It's awkward and I would often feel my cheeks burn every time he would say it, but I try to ignore it and pretend I don't even know about it.
Cade and I would walk the halls together again. He would make fun of me in a banter kind of way and it took a few days for me to do it to him as well. It's an awkward experience but I realized I wanted to go back to the way things were. My feelings for Cade haven't really faded away but I know that it was too soon to get back together. But we've been 'friends' again for a few weeks now and I'm starting to realise that my feelings for him are only growing... all over again.
He attends classes, he does well in class, and we joke around while we spend time out or at our house with Kieran. It was like how they used to be. On Friday, Cade and Vi came over to our house and we all sat in Kieran's room.
As the day ended, Cade, Kieran and I were walking out of class together. We all talked. There were no awkward silences. We just spoke like we used, except Cade and I weren't dating.
"I can't wait to go home," Kieran moaned.
"Same!" Cade said.
I would ditto the conversation, but instead, I decided to annoy Kieran. "You have detention, moron," I mentioned.
Kieran glared at me. "Why did you have to tell me?"
"Because I love you, of course." I stuck my tongue out.
"I don't care. I'm going to ditch it."
I raised an eyebrow at Kieran. I have no doubt he'd actually ditch detention. It's his third detention this month and he hasn't even attended one. They just keep piling on and on, and it probably won't stop piling unless he attends them.
From the corner of my eyes, I find Mr. Reed approaching us. I smirked and turned to Kieran. I place a hand on Kieran's shoulder, earning a confused expression and sighed with delight.
"What's wrong with your face?" Kieran asked.
"Good luck with ditching," I stated.
"Um, Kaia – I think you're confused," Cade said.
Mr. Reed was at least five strides away from us. With my eyes, I looked at Mr. Reed, making it obvious to Kieran and Cade. Kieran turns to the direction I was looking at.
"Shit," he mumbled.
"Alright, time to go," Cade said, grabbing Kieran's arm to run off.
"Hold it right there!" Mr. Reed called.
Cade immediately let go of Kieran's arm, and took mine instead. "See Kieran," Cade said, and starts running off – pulling me along with him.
I didn't know what took me by surprise the most: that Cade suddenly started running and pulled me along with him; or that he actually took my arm and started running like it wasn't a big deal. We stopped once we made it outside and I glanced at him with an arched eyebrow.
"I know that you have a habit of running away from teachers, but why did we have to run away from Mr. Reed? He wasn't after us," I stated.
Cade looked at me with a blank expression. He looked down at his hand and noticed he was still holding my arm. He stared at it for a while before he looked into my eyes and his expression changed completely. Instead of the eyes of an excited boy, they were the eyes of a matured man. His eyes were filled with undescribed emotion and I was curious.
"What?" I mumbled.
He shook his head, "Nothing," he whispered.
Feeling uncomfortable, I pulled my arm away. "I'll see you tomorrow," I said.
He moved to stand in front of me, stopping me in my track. "I'm glad we're friends again," he said.
"Me too," I mumbled.
"I think I'm starting to get why you don't want to get back together," he adds.
Is this one of his tricks? "Thanks," I replied.
"I know that you probably never want to get back together, and I do get that. I don't blame you. It was sudden. But I just wanted to ask you a question," he said.
I looked at him in the eyes, encouraging him to continue.
He cleared his throat, shifted the weight from leg to the another and combed his hair back with his fingers. "If... If I didn't break up with you at Vivian's party, would we have still been together?" he asked.
I blanked. I had no idea what to say. I immediately knew what he was going with this and I was afraid to let him go. Because he had a point.
"Probably," I answered truthfully.
"Then why do you suddenly don't want to be with me anymore?"
I paused. I thought for a moment. The same question I kept asking myself: Why? The question I haven't been able to find the answer to for a while.
I looked him in the eyes, not seeing anything else but him. "I started realizing I kept wanting to make you happy and ignored what was good for me."
"But isn't that a good thing. It means your not selfish. You care about others and don't act for your self-greed," he said.
"We're in High School, Cade. This is the time where we're supposed to put more attention in ourselves than anyone else. Our future is dependent on what we do now. I can't be selfless when my future is so critical now."
"But I still don't get why that's a sufficient reason to not wanting to get back together."
"What are you talking about?"
"You conscious about it now. You know that your future is important now and if we did get back together, you would be aware of your future more than you were before."
I looked down at my hands. I want to be back with him but there's some part of me that is resisting. I don't know if it's doubts or my gut is telling me something.
"I do like you Cade. I really do. But I just don't know what's going to happen in the future. Where we'll be and who we will become," I state. "We are still learning, and we are going to change."
"Why can't we change together? If we break up in the future, then we break up. But that 'maybe' is not a sufficient reason to stay apart now. Otherwise, we won't achieve anything in life if we're afraid of failure."
He had a point. And I really wanted my own thoughts to be convinced but I just can't. I don't know why anymore.
"How about this, we go on one date this weekend. Just one date and then you can decide if we should stay friends or get back together?" he suggested.
"One date?" I arched an eyebrow.
He nodded. "One date. That's all I ask," he said.
"Alright then, just one date." And I hope this date would convince me to be back with him without an ounce of doubt.