I was standing outside the room, my hand on the doorknob. Few minutes have passed by since I was here but I was too scared to open the door and step in. I closed my eyes, sending a small prayer to God that everything goes well. Taking a deep breath I twisted the doorknob and opened the door.
Carter was laying in bed, a small smile on his face as he watched his mother talk. His Father sitting on the other side. His gaze shifted from his mother to me and I wished the door hadn't made a sound. I wanted to just watch him from afar for a while. His smile became smaller as concern and worry filled his face. His eyes searched everywhere every part of me, making sure I was okay.
"Hi," I said with a small smile, my heart beating fast.
Before he could reply his mother stood up.
"We're going to the cafe downstairs to get something to drink."
Carter nodded at her as his father stood up too. Together they made way towards the door. Veronica smiled at me before stepping out leaving me and Carter alone. I stared at the door, it's grey colour reminding me of my favorite sweater of Carter.
"Hey," said Carter and I turned to look back at him.
I walked towards him and sat down where his mother was sitting.
"How are you," we asked each other simultaneously.
"You first," I said with a small smile.
"I'm alive," He said with a smile of his own.
"You scared me," I said, my eyes starting to fill with tears.
"I know, I'm sorry" replied Carter, moving his hand to hold mine.
"Are you okay? They...they didn't do anything to you right?"
"I'm fine, the police came shortly after you fainted. Besides they weren't interested in me, all they're attention was focused on the drugs"
Carter nodded while his fingers drew circles on my hand, calming me down.
"I tried to stay awake as long as I could, I was scared to leave you there alone, I'm sorry I couldn't protect you"
"Stop please, you've protected me enough, " I said holding his hand tightly.
"The drugs, Abel took them. Is that bad? will the people you work for do something to you when they find out?" I asked voicing my fears.
"I don't know yet, but I'll handle it. You don't need to worry about that"
I nodded, still unsure but didn't press the issue further. Right now I just wanted to be with him, enjoy his company. I was so grateful he was alive and okay. All the stress from the day was slowly drifting away.
Until Carter finally asked the question I was dreading.
"You're not going to leave right? You won't leave me right?"
I looked up in his eyes and saw fear again, the same when from last night. For a moment I felt like lashing out on him, for ruining our perfect moment. I wanted to sit here with him and be happy, not think about the future which looked so uncertain.
"Carter, I'm sorry but-"
"You can't do it Eva, you can't just leave me here all alone" Cut in Carter.
I could see anger mixing with fear in his eyes. His hand holding mine tighter now.
"You don't understand Carter, I can't just hold my dad back. This is his dream, I can't ask him not to live it"
"Then let him go. You can stay here with your mom"
"I can't leave him, Carter, he needs me there to settle in and-"
"AND I DON'T NEED YOU?" Shouted Carter.
I jumped back a little at his sudden reaction. Panic started to bubble inside me. I was scared about where this conversation could lead. Carter took in a long deep breath. His hold on my hand getting a little tighter.
"We'll make it work, I won't be gone forever-"
"I want you to leave" Said Carter, letting go of my hand.
I stared at his face, not sure what I heard was correct or just my imagination.
"Wha....what?" I said with a gulp. Trying to keep my voice steady.
"I need you to leave, I need time and space to think things through. Don't come to visit me again, I'll reach out to you myself "
The world stopped there for me. I stared at Carter's face and saw his firm and stern look. Tears fell from my eyes on there own.
"No, please don't do this. Carter please" I said reaching out for his hand but he pulled away.
"Please leave Eva, don't make this harder for me," He said looking away.
I sat there for a few more minutes, waiting for him to say that he didn't mean it, he didn't want me to leave. I waited for him to say something, anything. But he didn't.
Slowly I got up from the chair, feeling the world I made for myself change completely.
......................................
I was in my room staring outside the window when Ally came barging in. She closed the door with a loud thud and looked at me. Anger prominent on her face.
"You're leaving?" She asked in a controlled voice.
I stared at her and looked out the window again. Moonshining brightly like it was the sun.
"Yes," I replied, not looking back at her.
"And you didn't bother telling me?" Came the first sharp blade.
"We....we were not on talking terms" I replied. Trying to keep my voice steady and my eyes vacant of those tears that I have shed so many times now.
"Screw that, you should have told me regardless of if we were talking or not. That isn't even the problem here Eva" her voice kept rising with each word but I didn't flinch.
"Why the hell are you moving?" She asked in a controlled voice.
"Dad got a job offer in Canada, his dream job-"
"Why are YOU leaving," she said, her voice not so controlled anymore.
"I can't leave dad alone, I can't leave the twins and Millie alone" I reply.
"Stop using your family as an excuse, you can stay and you know that but your ego is too big for you to consider living with you mom"
This blade of Ally hurt a lot, like someone twisting the knife after it has been stabbed in the body.
"Your ego is SO HUGE you don't even think about me or Mason or Carter"
I didn't reply back, didn't know what to say. I knew this wasn't the case, I have spent nights thinking if I wanted to leave just because I didn't want to stay with my mother. But this wasn't it, no matter what Ally said I loved my mother.
"LOOK AT ME" screamed Ally and this time I flinched.
I took a deep breath and turned to look at her, leaving the moon that looked like a sun behind me cause a moon can never be a sun, it can never shine as brightly.
"What do you want me to say Ally? I'm leaving because my father needs me, he can't be a manager of a restaurant and deal with three kids at the same time. He needs help and I have always provided that help."
"He's done so much for me, why can't I do this one thing for him? Besides he'll be lonely there, he is still healing from the divorce, mom remarrying isn't easy for him to digest. I don't want him to leave, I don't want to be another person who just left him"
"And what about Carter?" Shot back Ally.
I didn't reply because his name hurts, his name is a lump in my throat, his name is the tears in my eyes that are ready to fall. I turn away and look outside the window again, but I'm not looking at anything, I can't see anything.
This is what Carter William does to me, he makes me lose my senses.
Ally comes forward and sits in front of me.
"Who's going to take care of him? Be there when he wants? Did you for a moment think that he needs you too? That you would be leaving him behind like he never mattered to you"
"I love him" I replied sharply, my tears finally falling now.
"Doesn't seem like it. You don't leave the people you love Eva"
I wiped my tears and looked at her. Could see her tears forming too and with how much effort she kept them from falling.
"I won't be gone forever, we can do long distance for a while, I'll come back Ally, why doesn't he understand?"
Ally doesn't reply, she stares at me for a few more seconds then get up. I wait for her to say something, anything, but she doesn't. I watch her walk to the door.
"How.....how is he doing? Is he okay?" I finally ask the question I have wanted to ask the moment she stepped in the room.
Ally turned and looked at me, her eyes filled with anger.
"Why do you care Eva? You're just going to leave. Have a safe flight"
And with that, my best friend was gone.
....................................
I was in the kitchen cleaning the counter after making the kids some cookies when my phone rang. I wiped my hands with a clean towel and picked it up hoping against odds it was Carter.
But it wasn't. I stared at the screen as Henry's number flashed. After the incident, I haven't seen him. I wasn't with mom whenever she came, neither was he at their home when I visited. Watching the screen I realized that this Henry wasn't just my mom's second husband, he was also Kaiden's father.
I picked up the call cautiously, unsure of the reason he was calling me.
"Hello?"
"Hi Eva, this is Henry, how...how are you?" He asked, his voice unsteady.
"I'm good, how are you?" I replied.
"I'm...I'm good too. How's
Carter?"
"Um...Carter...he...he is better" I said.
I didn't know how Carter was and no one was telling me either. I had called Drake and Ally multiple times but they refused to pick up my calls. I could go to their houses and ask but I wasn't mentally ready for another outburst.
"I wanted to apologize, on behalf of Kaiden. I'm sorry about what he did to you and Carter. I just-"
"Its okay Henry, it isn't your fault," I replied because it really isn't.
What Kaiden did was nobodies fault except his. I haven't even thought about him since the incident. Too scared to think about those moments.
"I wish I had been a better parent, had known there was something going on. God all these drugs and guns, I never thought-"
"It's not your fault Henry," I said again, "don't blame yourself. I'm fine, Carter is fine. Just take care of yourself okay?"
"Yea..yea I'll um...I just I'm sorry again. I wish this never happened, I wish I could have stopped him. But anyways how...how is the packing going?"
My breath hitched in, I had not thought about packing once. It never crossed my mind, folding up all the memories I had here and placing them inside a suitcase neatly.
Although we still had time, I needed to give my final exams, finish my last year in high school, we needed to start it soon. We weren't going for a vacation, we were moving, shifting to live in a completely new place for I don't know how long.
"I...I haven't started yet" I replied realizing Henry was waiting for my reply.
"Yea it's probably a little early for that you still have time. But if you need help with anything you know you can call me"
"Yeah, if I need help I'll let you know"
"Okay great.....also Eva?"
"Yes, Henry?"
"Spend a little more time with your mom. She has already started getting really sad."
"Of course, Henry" I replied with a smile.
In moments like these, I realize how Henry was a good decision my mom made.
..........................................
I was sitting in the living room, watching an animated movie with Millie when Mason came in. He waved at me from the doorway and motioned for me to come out. I hadn't seen Mason since the accident though he did keep messaging me to ask how I was doing.
"Hey," I said getting out and hugging him.
"Hi, how are you?" He asked.
"I'm good, you?" I replied as I looked at him.
Mason didn't look good. There were dark circles under his eyes, his hair all messed up. He looked as if he was in pain.
"What's wrong?" I asked.
"I...I can't stop blaming myself Eva. I feel like its all my fault. I should have never started dating Nina, kept her at a distance. I didn't know-"
"Shhhh, it's not your fault Mason, it really isn't. None of us thought Nina was going to turn out like that, she wasn't who we thought she was."
Mason nodded and sat down on the stairs.
"Do you miss her?" I asked cautiously, sitting next to him.
"Not really, even if I do its not Nina that I miss. It's this girl that I had some good moments with"
I nodded, feeling bad for Mason. He is going through a lot. Like every single one of us.
"Carter is still not talking?" he asked
I shook my head. "Neither are Ally and Drake."
"Ally is still pretty angry, I've tried talking to her make her see that you're going through as much as Carter is but you know her, she's stubborn"
I nodded staring straight ahead, focusing my thoughts on the movie I was watching then the people I love. Mason sighed and side hugged me. I rested my head on his shoulder and closed my eyes. Suddenly I was feeling exhausted.
"Don't worry about him, he's doing okay. Physically."
I felt relief fill me. It was good to know that Carter was okay, he was better.
"Also regardless of the fact that I will miss you like hell, I think you're making the right decision. And I know that people are angry but it's only because they love you, don't hold it against them."
I lifted my head and looked at him.
"Thank you, Mason. For this and for saving us."
Mason shook his head. "I just came to apologize, I should have listened to you all when you told me that I shouldn't date Nina. She just used me to get to Carter."
"Mason, please stop it. whatever happened, happened. There is no point thinking about it again and again"
"But you could have died, Eva" He shot back. His face filled with the agony he came here with.
"I didn't though, look I'm okay, Carter is okay. Stop beating yourself up for this please"
Mason nodded and turned away. I understood the way Mason felt, cause there were so many moments when I felt the same way. Carter had always warned me about Kaiden, but I never listened to him, always ignored his warnings. And that led to Carter being shot, us being in grave danger.
After Mason left I went to my room to do some school work. I was trying to remember an equation when dad came in with a bowl filled with fruits.
"Thought you might be hungry," He said sitting down on my bed.
I nodded and took the bowl from his hand, using the fork to take in a cube of mango.
"How are you doing?" He asked.
"I'm fine dad, don't worry"
"Did you get to talk to Carter?"
I looked away and shook my head.
"Don't worry he'll come around. He just needs some time."
"I hope so" I replied looking at him.
"You know its okay if you want to change your mind. If you don't want to leave you can say so. I can give them a call and cancel-"
"Dad, stop. I want this okay? I want you to do this. This is my final decision"
He nodded, looking like a parent who wanted to help his child but couldn't. I didn't want to go. I didn't want to leave this place and the people in it. But for once I wanted my father to have what he wanted, even if it meant getting hurt.
..........................................
I took in a deep breath and stared at the front door.
"I'm going to do this" I whispered to myself.
I ordered my hand to grasp the handle, holding it firmly and tightly. Today I was going to see Carter. I didn't care if he wanted to see me or not, I have given him his space. Waited for him to think things through but now it was enough. The torture that I was feeling was killing me inside and I needed to get rid of it.
And I wanted to see him, his eyes that hold the world, his smile that takes my breath away, his low sweet voice that sounded like a lullaby. I missed him and just wanted to have a glimpse. Love in all its rights is pathetic.
But what if he didn't want to see me? What if he shut the door on my face or worse refused to open it. Would I be able to take that much of hurt? And pain? Would I be able to survive that?
I felt my grip on the handle loosen. Stepping back I let go of a breath I didn't know I was holding. I closed mt eyes and started pacing in front of the door.
"I can do this, I can do this, I can do this" I kept telling myself, willing my courage to come back and take control.
After pacing for another ten minutes I turned towards the door again. Staring at it sharply, promising it that I won't back out again. My hand traveled towards the door handle but before I could open it, the bell rang.
I stared at it oddly, wondering who was visiting. Before I could think anything else the bell rang again. I pressed the handle and opened it, not wanting the person on the other side to wait any longer. But as my eyes settled on the person standing in front of me my breath hitched.
Carter William, the boy I fell in love with stood with all his beauty and might in my doorway. I stared at him, hard and long as he stared at me. Making sure that everything was as I remembered, my memory if him still the same as he was.
My eye shifted from every inch of his face to his whole body. He looked alot better than when he was at the hospital. I felt a burden lift up from my shoulders, seeing that he was okay, he was healthy. It was pure joy.
My eyes went back to his face, my eyes finding his eyes again in a mess of features and it was there that I saw the problem. Everything wasn't fine, his eyes were not the same. They held so many emotions, longing, love, anger. Emotions I couldn't even name. His eyes were not calling back to ny eyes as they always did.
"Hey" he said finally, seeing I wasn't going to speak. I wonder how long we stood there staring at each other, felt like a century.
"Hi" I replied, forcing my lips in a smile. "How are you? You look better-"
"You look beautiful" he said, cutting in my sentence.
I felt my dead heart flutter, a movement I thought would never return.
"Oh come on in" I said stepping away from the door to make way for him. "Would you like to eat anything? We have cookies, I can make tea-"
"I'm not here to stay Eva," he said. His face vacant of everything.
"I wanted to tell you my decision"
I stared back at him, watching him carefully.
"De...decision?"
He looked away from me, staring at the house next door. I could see him struggling.
"I don't believe in long distant relationships Eva, I never did. They never work out and just bring a lot of agony. I don't either believe in controlling a person in a relationship, if you love someone, you'll let them do what they want, support their decisions."
He turned to look me straight in the eye now, gathering all his courage to say what he was going to say next.
"I won't ask you to stay, I have no right. This is your life and you get to decide what you want without pressure. But I won't continue this either."
I felt my heart stop, my body go rigid, my eyes stuck at his face.
"I think its best for us both if we end this relationship, its only going to bring pain, misery"
"Carter Stop-" I said, words flowing out of my mouth on their own.
"No Eva," He said shaking his head. "I have thought about this alot, the thought of mising you and not being able to see you has killed me so many times. I can't do this, I won't be able to survive"
He stepped forward, holding my shoulders and looking at me intently.
"We don't know what's going to happen next and I don't want to take any chances."
"Carter, please. Stop. Just listen to me" I said, my words mixing up.
"You're the best thing that ever happened to me. The most beautiful, kind and generous human being I know. All these days that I spend alone made me realize that this would be too hard. I won't be able to do this. It was too painful Eva, I....I don't have the strength."
I watched as his voice cracked, those eyes that I dreamed of every night fill with tears. He looked at me the way I looked at him when I was trying to memorize him.
"Carter-" I tried again but before I could say anything he hugged me, so tightly I felt my bones crushing.
I didn't hug him back, this wasn't the hug I wanted. I wanted the hug that said everything will be okay as long as we're together.
"I love you flower, I always will"
And just like that, in the blink of an eye, gust of a wind, Carter William was gone. Like he never existed. I wanted to say something, anything to stop him but nothing came out. There were no words left in me that covered what I wanted to say, that could contain this feeling I was feeling.
I watched his car go away, disappearing from my eyes. I watched waiting for it to come back. For Carter to step out and tell me this was all wrong, he didn't mean it.
But it didn't.
I stumbled back inside the house, closing the door behind me. I fekt my breath stagger, as if my lungs didn't want to breath anymore.
I collapsed on the floor, my back to the door and thats when it came. The gushing storm of tears, of pain, of misery. I wanted to scream till I had no voice left inside me. I felt the world I had made with so much love destroy in front of me. Blown into pieces, so many I couldn't collect even if I want to. Is this how heartbreak is suppose to feel like?
My tears fell as I pressed my legs to my chest, my body trembling as thoughts of one person consumed me completely.
........................................................................
END OF BOOK ONE.
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