The moment I entered the cafeteria, I was met with silence. Eyes were on me and I felt like an obscene creature, shunned by society already. I clear my throat, ignoring the eyes and move past the tables to buy lunch. I don't think I can tolerate anymore of Aunt Meredith's salads. I lost more than a kilo and I think I'm already malnourished.
"Can you believe it? She broke up with Cade!" Someone whispered.
I ignored it. Even though what they were saying was a lie, I don't bother correcting them. How could one correct something like without being prepared to be embarrassed? If I tell people that Cade was the one who broke up with me, then people would feel bad for me or laugh at me. I already know a number of people who will approach me and say, 'I told you so.'
But then if I leave it and Cade does the unbelievable: tell people he was the one that actually broke up with me. People would label me as a liar.
I grab a tray and pile it up with food that looked somewhat edible. I head to our normal table and sit in silence. Kieran and Vi hasn't arrived yet. I ignore the stares and go on my merry way. I stare down at my phone, pretending to act like I'm not bothered at all by the stares or I'm not completely affected from breaking up with Cade.
I can't show any weakness. They can't know that I'm dying inside and that I'm actually upset about the break up.
I take a bite out of the pasta and scroll through Facebook, not really paying attention to what I was looking at.
"Maybe she found out that Cade was playing with her?" I hear.
"I honestly thought this time would be different."
I thought so too. But then Cade said he wants to get back with me. What did he mean by that? It just made everything so much more confusing, and I'm starting to remember more and more every day why I declared I wouldn't date during high school. High school dating drama is ridiculously dramatic. Unnecessary heart break. Immature boys. Popularity. Friendship. Backstabbers. All these things exist in high school. I can't wait to get out of it.
I hear a chair nearby scrape against the floor, causing me to look away from my phone and actually look. I find Cade sitting directly in front of me, unpacking his lunch casually on the table as though I'm not even here.
"Uh, may I help you?" I frown.
Cade ignores me. He unwraps his sandwich and takes a big bite out of it. His eyes not even meeting mine, as though his eyes sees one thing and one thing only: the sandwich. I clear my throat, trying to capture his attention and finally, his brown eyes move to me.
"Hey," he says in between bites.
I cringe.
"What are you doing here?"
"I'm eating," he grumbled.
I rolled my eyes. "Clearly, but why on this table?"
"I always eat lunch with you," he states as though it's the most obvious answer.
It's not! Hasn't he dated enough girls to know that after a break up, they don't sit with each other anymore. Why isn't he avoiding me like a normal human boy? Why is he making this so much more complicated than it already is?
"Not anymore, you don't. Go away, Cade," I say.
"He must really want to be with her," I hear someone else says. I turn and glare at the person immediately, unable to tolerate the loud gossip lurking in the cafeteria.
I look at two freshmen girls, eyes widening as our eyes meet. They looked away immediately and whisper to each other. I roll my eyes. Typical.
I turn back to Cade who I find is watching me intently. Suddenly, I feel a wave of discomfort overcome me and I shift in my position awkwardly. I look away and stare at my pasta, hoping Cade would stop looking. But he doesn't. What's wrong with him?
Without even thinking, I look back up to snap at him but he's back to paying attention to his sandwich. All the confidence suddenly returns back.
"Why are you still here?"
"You can't stop thinking about me, can you?" he says without even looking at me.
"What?" I frown.
Cade looks up. "I said, you can't stop pestering me, can you?" he answers slightly confused.
I tilt my head away from him. Did he really say that?
"I want you to leave," I respond confidently. Letting it slide.
"No, you don't," he pouts.
"Please go."
"You want me to stay. You want me."
"Say what now?"
"I said why won't you let me stay? I want to stay."
What am I hearing? Did I just think Cade said I wanted him to stay and I wanted him? Suddenly, it dawned on me. I immediately let my eyebrows furrow into a scowl and glare at him.
"You're doing that thing to me again!" I accuse.
His eyes widen, "I have no idea what you are talking about," he clears his throat.
"Liar! You're saying something and pretending you didn't just to confuse me!"
Cade shakes his head, "You're clearly mistaken."
"You think I don't know about what you did last time? I can't believe you!" I stand up, grab my bag and start storming out of the cafeteria.
Truth be told, I'm not actually angry at Cade. But for some reason, it was the only reaction I could show him right now. It's embarrassing to face him. He broke up with me and he expects me to pretend everything went back to normal. I have too much pride. I think.
It's just too embarrassing to let him back into my life so quickly again. If he really wants to get back with me, then why did he break up with me before? I just can't understand him. He's so confusing and it really hurts my head. I wish I could read his mind.
He's definitely hiding something from me and I just can't put my finger to it. I lean against the wall and take in a few deep breaths. Just forget about him, Kaia. He's not important anymore. You two broke up! You weren't happy in that relationship. You were constantly worried about him and this is not the time to be worried about anyone else other than yourself. You have to be selfish now, Kaia. You have to think about your future and Cade is only going to hold you back.
I open my eyes and there I see Cade. I groan. Why won't he just stay out of my head? He smiles as he watches me kick the wall and storm away.
"Kaia, stop running away," he says.
"Why do you keep following me? You do know this is considered stalking, right?"
"Stop being so dramatic."
"Why are you still following me?" I yell.
"You know that I want to get back with you and I can't do that if we're separated from each other," he says.
I growl. I turn around and face him. "Then why did you break up with me?" I arch an eyebrow, challenging him. "If you didn't want to break up, then why did you? Did you regret it that night? You're very confusing and I don't want that in my life."
"I don't regret breaking up with you," he says.
"Then why do you want to get back together?"
"I wanted to start fresh. A new me, a new relationship. I want us to start again and I can't do that half way through a relationship," he says.
"That doesn't make any sense," I say.
"I don't think our relationship started right before. I want us to be together with a new and improved me," Cade answers.
"This is the new and improved Cade?" I arch an eyebrow.
"Yes!" He takes a step towards me and I unconsciously take a step back. My heart begins racing uncontrollably and I can already feel my palms starting to sweat. What is happening to me?
"Um... did you know that carrots weren't originally orange? They're supposed to be purple," I state, awkwardly.
"Very cool," Cade says taking a few steps closer. I take a few steps back in retaliation.
"Yeah, they can be... um... yellow too," I add, again, awkwardly.
My back hits against the wall and already, I feel my whole body ready to melt and morph with the floor. He is only half a foot away from me. "That's neat," he says, uninterested.
"And white!" I exclaim. "Well, actually more of an off-white, but I don't think the grocery store would be bothered calling it off white carrots. That would seem silly, right?"
"Why are you squirming?" Cade asks. "Why are you nervous around me? Did something happen?" he asks.
"No reason," I state, avoiding eye contact.
"Is Ben bothering you?" he asks.
I feel my heartbeat pacing down. I look at Cade. Why am I letting Cade get to me like this? This is probably what he wants, he just wants me to fall in his trap. He wants us to get back together. He wants me to be head over heels for him. Why am I punishing myself for my own insecurities? Why is he punishing me for my own insecurities?
I shake my head and smile, "I'm just nervous whenever I'm around you," I find myself saying.
Cade frowns, "Why?"
I shrug, "Because I like you," I state.
Cade smiles, "I hope you get more comfortable around me," he states. "I want you to be happy with me."
I nod, "I do too," I say.
My eyes widen with shock. What in the world am I saying? Have I lost my mind? I shake my head.
"No!" I twirl away from Cade and stare at him dead straight in the eye. "No. You're not new and improved. You're still running around and playing your old tactics. Trying to trick me into thinking I still want you by pretending to say something else, following me around and trying to constantly get into my head. You're forcing yourself to me without my permission. If you really have improved, then you should be giving me some time Cade. I'm confused, and you have no right to not let me think for myself," I accuse.
Cade stands there dumbfounded. I turn around and leave, finally this time without Cade following behind me.
A sudden thought ruptured to my mind: If I really like him, why am I avoiding him? Why shouldn't I give him another chance? This is just him being stupid but it's his way to become a better person.
I'm so confused right now.