Thursday morning, Marley felt like a zombie, leaning against Gabby's shoulder in the shower line. She hardly got any sleep last night, and that combined with having to get up at six am this morning to do their laundry - wasn't a good outcome.
"Okay, I think I'm ready. Shoot."
"Um...what's the third step in preparing a specimen for the microscope?" Marley asked on the top of her head, watching Sarah's frown lines appear.
"Skip."
Marley held back a small laugh, "What are the three types of cells found in common algae?"
She watched Sarah recoil as if Marley was speaking Mandarin, "Can I phone a friend?"
"This isn't Jeopardy. This is Biology, and a quiz today you're going to fail," Bree snickered as the shower line shortened and they all moved foreword a few steps.
Sarah whacked her with her toiletries bag, "Not all of us are natural born brainiacs," shooting a pointed look at Marley, Bree and Gabby.
Gabby glanced up from her phone, where she had been texting her Dad, "We're not natural born brainiacs. We all studied together last night, for hours."
Sarah huffed, pushing some of her curly red hair away from where it had been falling in front of her face, "Not my fault that my volunteer hours at Shady Oaks retirement village were more interesting than this BS."
Bree rolled her eyes, "If you didn't spend so much time listening to Travis Scott's new album and gushing about it, you would've actually absorbed some of Marley's very informative lesson. Which included helpful diagrams and point form summaries. Thanks for that, by the way."
Marley smiled tightly, thinking about how she had spent her sleepless hours the night before making those exact notes, after she had transferred her nightstand lamp to a shelf on her bunk. At least she did something useful with her time, right?
"You may be a well-rounded student and an awesome tutor, Marley," Sarah began bitterly, digging the toe of her plastic flip flop into a hole in the gravel beneath their feet, "but did you have six figures when you were only four?"
Marley blinked in confusion at the last part of her sentence, "Did I have what when I was how old?"
"That's what I thought," Sarah grinned smugly as if she won something, but her words had gone over everyone's heads.
She yawned loudly, blinking away the fogginess, or trying to, at least.
"Did you finish the questions?" Gabby asked quietly.
"All of them," Marley confirmed tiredly.
"Which confuses me, Mar. You didn't have to."
"Well, I did. You don't have to do those logic books all the time, but you do them. Mental stimulation."
"More like denial with a side of avoidance," Gabby grumbled under her breath.
Marley decided not to respond to her words to drag on that topic of conversation any further, "How's Gavin?" She asked, referring to Gabby's thirteen year old brother, whose been in military school for over a month now.
For the last year or so, he's been having problems with his school and delinquency. A lot of it has to do with Gabby and Gavin's parents' messy divorce. Mr. Collins is a great guy and father - now married again and provides a happy household - but their mother fell off the rails and hasn't been the same since. It's hard for the both of them because they have to stay at their grandparents on her visitations, she doesn't have a stable place to live between her hookups and flings.
It's also hurtful, because most of the time she doesn't show up to see her kids, and that takes a toll on Gavin. With him being young, he doesn't know how to handle it properly. Hence the trouble he's gotten himself into, and the military school Mr. Collins thinks will set him straight.
"At least he's answering Dad's calls," Gabby exhaled loudly, "Better than radio silence, right?"
Marley's heart squeezed. For the last couple weeks he's been allowed to make family calls but he's refusing to talk to Gabby.
"I think he just feels guilty," Marley soothed gently, "Not that he doesn't miss you. I can't imagine your separation is easy for him, either."
Gabby ran a hand through her blonde hair, her expression torn and defeated, "Apparently easy enough to stay away."
"Blondie, what's got your panties in a twist this fine morning?"
Marley sighed. Leo's care for anyone or anything is always buried deep within ego, sexual commentary, and blunt statements.
She watched him stroll up to Gabby's side, his head of blonde hair damp and his hands in his jean pockets. Gabby could clearly see that he was concerned in his own way, so she didn't appear mad for the insensitivity.
"Just my brother. The usual. It's not a big deal, Leo."
Marley watched his eyes tighten considerably, but his words were relatively lighthearted, "Just so we're clear, if I could I would pay Gavin a visit and threaten to slam his head into a wall if he doesn't talk to you."
Gabby let out a small laugh, shaking her head, "He's probably been fairly roughed up in military school anyway. I've been told he's already made enemies for being a minute late out of the showers. The punishment was that everyone had to do two hundred push ups."
Leo crossed his arms, and Marley could practically feel the pride radiating off him in waves at how he made her feel better, "Good. He's learning to be a valuable member of society instead of an asshole who doesn't call his sister. Catch you later, blondie."
At the last second, his pale green eyes flickered to Marley's, and an unreadable emotion crossed his face, "Marley," he nodded in her direction before he was heading back to the boys' shower line.
Marley was sure to keep her eyes away from that side of the clearing, every morning. Especially when she felt him there. She's made the mistake of looking for him instinctively, regretting it immediately when she saw his typical swarm of girls trying to get his attention.
Their break - which the girls cabin perceived as a breakup - spread like wildfire within hours of it actually happening. Obviously, the vultures took their chance to swoop.
Marley and Aiden agreed to remain exclusive still - and she had been committed to that - but she wasn't sure if Aiden has been, and is too scared to ask.
The system that they have now where Aiden sits across the room with his hood over his head, they share small conversation strictly about their Biology partnership, and avoid seeing each other entirely between classes and outside of school, is safer than any alternatives at the moment.
And Marley's system where she holes up in her room, sneaks his hoodies over her head at night and hugs Lovebear Mini to her chest to try and stifle aching that never really goes away, scrolls through their photos together on her phone, but still manages to make it to school is much safer than any alternatives at the moment.
You can't allow the things that should be able to destroy you - to succeed. Even if it feels like you're doing those things injustice by pushing through, you're betraying one person by doing nothing and surrendering to the hurt. Yourself.
Bree's elbow nudged Marley out of her stupor, something she's stuck in more often than she likes to admit out loud.
"What do you want to do after school?"
She shrugged lightly, "Homework."
Gabby's head shot to look at her in her peripheral, "You finished all the questions already. What do you mean by homework?"
Marley kept her eyes down, stifling the urge to stomp on Gabby's foot or elbow her or delve out any kind of punishment for her disapproval of how she's choosing to cope with this.
"She means...a hike!" Sarah sang, bouncing on her toes, "By homework she means the hike after school we're all going on. Ethan's coming too, right?"
Her head shot up to stare at Gabby with wide eyes, who was blushing much to her glee.
"Y-yeah. I guess," she shifted on her feet.
"What time are we going?" Marley asked, peeling her eyes away from her best friend to face Sarah, ready to play matchmaker in a way that would probably get her a smack from her best friend later.
-
"Check it, Marley."
She shifted, her thumb hovering over her trackpad and her lower lip pulled between her teeth, "What if..."
"Okay press the damn button or I will!" Gabby exclaimed, as exasperated as Detective Bryan from where she was appraising Marley's cross-legged position on her bed, shortly after school ended that day.
She was still nervous, her hazel eyes flitting between her cellphone perched on her knee on speakerphone, to the excited green eyes of her best friend, "This is...guys this is everything I've been waiting for and working for and what if-"
"Marley. Open the email from Brown and let's celebrate your early acceptance"
She flinched at the same time as a swarm of butterflies erupted in her stomach, "I haven't even opened the email yet! This could be a message that I'm on the waiting list or-"
"It's not."
Marley and Gabby locked eyes at the same time, frowning in confusion.
"So, you've hacked into my email now?" she demanded, her finger pressing gently against the clicker, but not applying enough pressure to open the Gmail file.
The butterflies had now turned to hornets.
"It's not a waiting list email," Bryan sighed loudly in frustration into the line, "Marley you got a letter in the mail a few days ago. I opened it and-"
Gabby and Marley screamed at the same time. Loud.
Shrieking, they grabbed at each other as fast as possible, collapsing onto Marley's bed and blubbering and laughing, squealing like normal teenage girls that they never thought they were.
Marley slid from the bed and danced around the room, expelling the energy and high that came with achieving her dream. The one goal she'd been striving for since the beginning.
When the rest of the girls entered the room, Marley and Gabby had already made up a dance and a song to celebrate her acceptance, Bryan hanging up with a laugh and telling her his wife and son wanted to give her a call later to congratulate her.
"Brown Un-i-ver-si-ty the perfect place for Mar-ar-ly. Brown Un-i-ver-si-ty where dreams come true for me and me! Brown Un-i-ver-si-ty the perfect place for Mar-ar-ly-"
"What the hell?"
Marley couldn't even find it in herself to be embarrassed watching Bree, Kelly, Tristan and Sarah enter the room on tentative steps, glancing between Gabby and her as if they had gone mental. Marley was jumping around like crazy, the adrenaline shaking her hands and making her feel so alive after days of feeling dead.
"Are you..." Bree trailed off nervously, "are you two...okay?"
Gabby squealed and flopped backwards on Marley's bed while Marley jumped up and down like a kid on Christmas.
"I got confirmation of my early acceptance to Brown!"
And then another round of squealing started. Marley knew right then beyond everything else that she is so, so lucky to have such supportive friends.
-
"Yeah well us normal people are going to cross our fingers for acceptances to state schools on the April 1st Regular Decision date like you know...normal people."
Marley rolled her eyes at Jason's dramatics, "You still could've applied for early acceptance. There's no harm in just sending in the application."
They were now making the trek along one of the scenic trails led by two of the female councillors, with about twenty of their peers surrounding them with chatter and the crunching of leaves beneath their boots. It was cool enough for jackets, toques, and fall boots and shoes, but the towering trees around them in every direction was providing nice wind cover. It was a damp atmosphere, too, it had been raining in the morning.
Either way, everything was still incredibly beautiful, and even more so with the comfort that Marley was going to Brown in the fall. It'd been her dream as long as she can remember, and now all of her hard work and strength against adversity had paid off.
"There is harm. Like, I don't know. Feeling dumb."
Gabby had been walking a few paces ahead next to Ethan, but turned around to respond to Jason, who was hand in hand with Bree, "I still haven't gotten confirmation from Yale, and even if I don't I'm not going to feel dumb."
"Because they usually give out early acceptances throughout January," Marley soothed her quickly, "You will get in. I know it."
Gabby shot her best friend a grateful smile before she was turning ahead to watch the path in front of her, and Marley had to fight the urge to squeal watching her and Ethan's hands brush together. But that was only for a few seconds before the emptiness crept back in again.
He'd be here, next to her. Wearing his Doc Martins, a black toque on his head and his blue eyes glowing and beautiful. They'd be holding hands, fingers laced together while he watched her gush about Brown with a wide smile. He'd probably make vocal some plan to ward off the guys at Brown from her, throwing something inappropriate in the mix that would make her blush and shriek Aiden Ma-
The tears burned behind her eyes as she cut off her thoughts before they could send her down the rabbit hole even further.
Everyone had their place here. Kelly and Ryan were brushing shoulders in front of them, laughing together. Gabby and Ethan were discussing the homework and sharing nervous, shy glances. Bree and Jason were holding hands behind her, catching up on their families. Sarah was blasting her throwback playlist through her headphones so loud that Marley could hear it herself. Even Tristan and Brendan, who skipped out on the hike to do what no one had to be anything less than certain of when filling in the blanks.
Everyone had their place here.
Except for Marley Hoover. Because she knew where her place had always been, and always will be.
Between two strong arms, under the glow of a wide, beautiful smile. Staring into blue eyes she won't ever get tired of looking into, a small hand resting above a steady heartbeat.
-
"You're a troublemaker
You're a troublemaker
You ain't nothing but a troublemaker, girl."
Marley bit the inside of her cheek when Sarah's head of wild red hair popped up from around the passenger seat, a balled fists for a microphone, pointing at Tristan with her free hand.
Tristan began to dance with her arms and her hips from the seat across from Marley, parting her lips to take over.
"You had me hooked again from the minute you sat down
The way you bite your lip got my head spinnin' around
After a drink or two I was putty in your hands
I don't know if I have the strength to stand."
She whirled around to point at Kelly, passing the metaphorical microphone to the black haired girl, who balled her fists and shot her hand out in front of her dramatically.
"Trouble troublemaker, yeah
That's your middle name
I know you're no good but you're stuck in my brain
And I wanna know."
"Everybody!" Sarah shouted right before the chorus, and everyone jumped in their seats as the beat changed.
"Why does it feel so good but hurt so bad?
My mind keeps saying,
"Run as fast as you can."
I say, "I'm done," but then you pull me back
I swear you're giving me a heart attack
Troublemaker!"
Marley and Gabby were the only two who didn't participate, but Marley enjoyed the upbeat atmosphere of the car. Even their Uber driver was bobbing her head.
"Bree!" Sarah shouted, causing her to begin to belt out her verses from the seat behind Marley.
"It's like you're always there in the corners of my mind
I see your silhouette every time I close my eyes
There must be poison in those finger tips of yours
'Cause I keep comin' back again for more."
"Back to you, Kel!"
"Trouble troublemaker, yeah
That's your middle name
I know you're no good but you're stuck in my brain
And I wanna know."
"Marley, Gabby, if you two aren't singing this damn chorus I'll wring your necks myself!" Sarah shouted from the front seat, always being the one to belt out songs and encourage the girls to do the same.
Marley chewed on the end of her thumb, looking around with tentative hazel eyes to see all the girls glaring at her expectantly in the seconds before the chorus began.
She sighed, throwing a fake microphone in front of her mouth.
"Why does it feel so good but hurt so bad?
My mind keeps saying,
"Run as fast as you can."
I say, "I'm done," but then you pull me back
I swear you're giving me a heart attack
Troublemaker
Why does it feel so good but hurt so bad
My mind keeps saying,
"Run as fast as you can."
Troublemaker
I say, "I'm done," but then you pull me back
I swear you're giving me a heart attack
Troublemaker."
Marley reached out a hand like Tristan was doing across the seat, pointing at each other as they belted out the chorus. Sarah flicked the volume upwards a few notches, preparing for the rap only she knows.
But then again, she knows the raps to every song. Sarah is definitely more knowledgeable about lyrics than the AZ Lyrics website.
"Maybe I'm insane
'Cause I keep doing the same damn thing
Thinking one day we gon' change
But you know just how to work that back
And make me forget my name
What the hell you do I won't remember
I'll be gone until November
And you show up again next summer, yeah!
Typical middle name is Prada
Fit you like a glove, girl
I'm sick of the drama
You're a troublemaker
But damn girl it's like I love the trouble
And I can't even explain why
(Yeah!)."
Gabby ended up joining in at the last few repeats of the chorus, the car turning loud and hectic as they all sang. Marley found herself laughing and smiling for real, for the first time in a while when the middle aged Uber driver joined right in, her and Sarah singing to each other across the console of the front seat.
"Why does it feel so good but hurt so bad?
My mind keeps saying,
"Run as fast as you can."
Troublemaker
I say, "I'm done," but then you pull me back
I swear you're giving me a heart attack
Troublemaker
Why does it feel so good but hurt so bad?
(And I can't even explain why)
My mind keeps saying,
"Run as fast as you can."
Troublemaker
I say, "I'm done," but then you pull me back
I swear you're giving me a heart attack
Troublemaker."
They danced to the final instrumentals of the song as the car came to a stop in front of their destination. Sarah ripped the aux chord out of her phone, all of the girls still laughing and high on the energy.
"You're the first Uber whose allowed me to plug in my music. Stay cool, baby," Sarah grinned as she hopped out of the car.
Marley rolled her eyes when the Uber driver blew her a kiss, "Stay cool!"
"Why are you...why are you like this? If you knew as much about Bio as you did about song lyrics, Sarah you'd be a genius," Tristan pointed out as they headed across the parking lot for the cinema.
It was situated between a McDonald's and a health smoothie place.
How ironic.
"You don't need a degree to be a clothing hanger."
Sarah's response had Bree dashing around from beside Gabby and tackling Sarah in a hug. Marley snorted at Tristan's misty eyes.
"We've taught you well, young grasshopper," she whispered, with a hand to her heart.
Tristan and Bree have been meticulously 'conditioning' Sarah in the art of Vine recitations. Obviously, her grade for Biology has suffered but apparently with her dreams of being a clothing hanger - she doesn't need the credits anyway.
They were going to see the 6:00pm show of Venom. The girls forced Marley into it, probably because the hike hadn't done the trick in making her feel better. At all.
After they bought their tickets, they stood outside the theatre with the other crowds of people waiting to be let inside. Since it was December now, it was the coldest month in California. The girls were all dressed in jeans and jackets.
Marley was wearing a navy blue button up one with a plaid scarf, and a black toque that had a little brown Pom-Pom. She had her tall brown boots on her feet, dark blue jeans on her legs. Typical attire for this time of year.
Full disclosure? She wished for her converse and sweat pants, but if she wanted to feel normal again looking normal seemed like a good place to start.
Bree's phone rang shrilly into the air, cutting through Tristan's quiz on vines to Sarah.
She glanced down at her phone, her expression turning stony as she put it to her ear and turned away, "Jay. Yeah. She's here and fine. This is the second time in the last hour...there's a reason I ignored your message! Tell him it's not fair that..." Bree's voice faded away as she wove through the crowds for privacy, to speak to her boyfriend about what, Marley has no idea.
"Babyyy, it started when we were younger..."
Sarah's eyes lit up, "You were mine, my booooo!"
"Hurry up, we're gonna be late for school!"
"Bruh, chill. I don't know why you in a Big Time Rush."
She supposed that this was supposed to be funny, but all Marley could do in the moment was stare down at her shoes and wonder if she would always feel like this.
Carved out. Caving in.
The movie passed in a blur. Marley had never liked watching movies, she's always been more into reading. And especially with her current mood, the dark theatre just felt cold and lonely like everything else.
She actually ended up falling asleep that night, which was a feat given the fact that she'd hardly managed a few hours the last three days. Kelly and Tristan had spent until midnight on their phones, Gabby falling asleep shortly after nine as is her typical routine. Marley waited patiently with her back to the room, curled up in a ball and wanting to slip out for Aiden's hoodie as soon as she could.
She passed the time by solving simple y=mx+b formulas in her head, inserting variables and visualizing her shifting the numbers around in her mind until both sides were equal. Only adding one number and cross multiplying. It was soothing, like a lullaby.
Marley's obsession with learning and calculating, filling her mind with so much information that it was overloaded to the point of a headache, was her way of clearing the bad thoughts away. Putting her focus in something that made sense in a world that had stopped making sense to her a long time ago. Math is easy to solve if you understand it. No surprises there. All straightforward answers.
But her life isn't like that. Marley doesn't get straightforward answers as to why she keeps doing the same thing to herself every night, reaching for his hoodie and thinking about someone who probably loves someone else - more than her, at least.
"I love you, my spitfire. I love you too, so damn much."
Does he?
"I've always been in love with you."
In love with Marley? Or with Violet?
Tears burned her eyes and soaked her pillowcase.
If only Aiden's feelings were as easy to solve as a math equation. Because she would, she would solve them in a heartbeat.
At this point, the answer would be better than the question.
***