(Omg a new chapter already? YES! I worked super hard to write you guys a new chapter as soon as possible and not let you wait another month. Pls love me by leaving wonderful comments and votes. Thank you so so much! And thank you for the kind messages last chapter)
[Nathan's Point Of View]
It was Monday and I only had two classes. Leo was already gone by the time I woke up and was going to be busy all day. Actually, he was going to be busy all week. Might not even see him at all till he went to bed. This meant I was going to be bored and alone. The skate park nearby was being changed so construction was going to last a while. My friends were all busy with their own work and school, it was a bad week to be me.
But I had Dakota.
Dakota didn't go to school and his job wasn't demanding. We could hang out. But I was too nervous to ask. I knew what was going to happen if we met up. What if he rejected me right in front of my face? I'd be so embarrassed that I'd never see the sunlight ever again.
I wasn't a strong boy. I was a weak boy with weak feelings. Still, I texted him if we could hang out and I put my phone on silent so I wasn't tempted to look while I was in school.
Three hours later I was back in my dorm room, alone and anxious. Leo's bed was made and mine was all messy. I sat on my bed and pondered. Leo was going to be finishing school soon and then I was going to be even more alone. I joined college two years after Leo started, so that meant I was going to have a new roommate eventually.
I hated that.
I knew I needed to get over Leo, and truthfully, I was on my way there. My thoughts and feelings were changing quickly. Now I loved Leo because he was so cute and funny and I wanted to put him in my pocket, but I wasn't in love with him. My heart was too broken to keep feeling that way. But luckily, I healed fast. Now my heart was after someone else, but what if the same thing happened again? What if I started to love someone who didn't love me back? Dakota was so freaking cool and awesome and intimidating because it seemed like he had his entire life put together. Why would he want someone like me? I was too immature. I laughed at dick jokes. I dressed like I was trying to disappoint my parents. And I fucking loved chicken fingers.
Dakota was . . . he was funny. Definitely too good for me, but I at least wanted to try.
I checked my phone and he had replied ten minutes after I sent the message. He replied with the dolphin emoji. That was it. What was that supposed to mean? Did I need to google this?
I replied and asked what that meant.
He started calling and my stomach flipped.
"Hey," I answered, holding the phone to my ear as I laid back on my bed.
"I'm sorry, I was tired when I sent that." He laughed all cute like a cute dork who was cute. "I don't know what it means. I was actually sleeping when I heard my phone and for some reason I woke up just to reply with a dolphin. Didn't even realize it was you."
"No problem, maybe the dolphin can be our thing."
Jesus fucking Christ why did I just say that? Maybe the dolphin can be our thing? I clearly wasn't thinking because I would never say that and expose myself so easily. Now he definitely had to know I liked him. What kind of dude tells another dude a stupid animal emoji could be our thing? Oh my god that was so gay.
He laughed again, instead of straight up judging me. "Sure. What does it mean then?"
"Uh . . . Maybe it's like a thumbs up? Like a yes? Something positively good?"
"Is that because you want me to say yes to hanging out?"
"Yes."
"Okay, dolphin then. Wow that was cringy."
I covered my face with my free hand and felt the burning pain of second-hand embarrassment.
"Yeah, better keep it text-only."
"Heyyy, come on now. I'm playing my games, I can't text. That's why I called. You can come over."
"Now?"
"Yeah, I'm not doing anything today. I'll leave the door open for you."
"Are you hungry? I haven't eaten lunch yet. I can grab something on my way."
"Sure. Surprise me."
"Hanging up now, nerd."
"FUCKING BITCH ASS BOSS I SWEAR TO GOD!" Dakota screamed angrily. He was groaning and grunting and fuming.
"Um, what are you doing?"
"Playing Bloodborne."
"Ah, okay. Good luck, my dude. I'll be there soon."
"Bye papi."
He hung up before I could say 'what the fuck'.
Am I a papi? What is a papi?
So, it was happening. We were going to hang out, but this time at his place. I'd only ever been there once and it was for a minute. It was a pretty nice small place for just one person. I liked it a bunch, actually. He decorated everything extremely well and made a small place look like a billion dollars.
I was only being nervous because I knew I was going to ask him out. If I didn't do it now, someone else could come in and take him. I never asked him about relationships or if he was seeing people. I knew he was single and that was about it. But what if he was talking to someone right now? Arghh...
I took a shower and once I was done, I stood in front of the mirror and looked at myself. What if he didn't like how skinny I was? I didn't exactly work out. I wasn't strong like him. He probably went to the gym every day. I was just a 6'4 ft dude with a lot of tattoos.
And why did I decide to cut my hair? I totally looked better with hair. No, wait. Dakota was getting to me. I wanted to cut my hair. I wanted a restart and try something new. I couldn't let Dakota make me insecure, I had to be strong and confident.
Haha.
I touched my chest and tried to pull my skin. I mean, I was gaining some weight. Maybe Dakota liked skinny dudes with zero fat and zero muscle. But what if he didn't? No, fuck that. I was smooth as hell. People liked smooth skinny boys, right? That was a thing. I was totally into it. I loved skinny dudes, they were great!
I was great.
But I was no match next to Dakota. He may be 5'6 ft tall but he was strong and could take me down. I was a tree, but he was the woodcutter. And now that I was thinking about it, it was even more special how hard he worked for his body. He was born . . . a girl. That meant he worked twice as hard to achieve his goal. While regular guys just took a step, Dakota had to run a mile just so he could catch up with the rest of us. That was so cute. He was so cute. Wow, Dakota.
Should I really feel self-conscious? Leo and his friends thought I was attractive, so maybe I shouldn't be so hard on myself. Nothing wrong with being skinny. Nothing wrong with not being skinny. Thick is great, thicker is even greater, skinny is awesome too, everything was awesome!
As I dressed, I wondered more about Dakota. He and Derek . . . did the deed. I couldn't really imagine it since it felt wrong. Derek being with other people was weird to me. That dude was so in love with Leo that I was surprised I was still alive after everything. But I always thought transgender people hated their privates? So many questions.
I had to text Derek and Leo not to tell Dakota that I knew he was trans. I wanted Dakota to tell me himself. I was going to press the delete button in my brain and forget I knew.
Once I decided which outfit to wear, I headed out the door, got in my car and drove. On my way to Dakota's place I stopped to get us some burgers and fries. My car smelled like heaven for ten minutes before I reached his place, which was a studio apartment.
I went to knock on the door when I approached his doorstep but remember he said he was leaving it open. I was kind of nervous of just barging in without knocking. Now I was standing in front of his door like an idiot holding a bag of food in one hand and two large cokes in the other.
I hated this so much. I hated being nervous. When I wasn't nervous, I was always myself. But man, I really didn't want to be rejected and I saw no other option. I didn't want to miss an opportunity and then feel depressed because I never tried. BUT IF HE DECIDED TO REJECT ME IN HIS OWN HOME? I'D BE DEVASTATED. How would I even leave that painfully embarrassing situation? His window seemed tightly locked so I couldn't burst through it.
Breathing in and out, I shook my nerves and clumsily turned the door knob with how little room I had. I kicked the door open and Dakota jumped from the couch and rolled on the floor.
"Sorry," I said as I entered and closed the door behind me. It was so hard acting like I wasn't going to pee myself but so far I was doing a good job at pretending I was a macho man with no fears.
"You . . . fucking bitch. You scared me," he said as he picked himself back up.
I snorted at his reaction. "You said you were leaving the door open, not my fault."
I put everything down on the coffee table in front of him since I didn't see a kitchen table or anything like that. He pulled away his attention from the television screen and watched me for a couple of seconds before returning to his gameplay.
"I bought us food."
"You're being weird."
"What?!" I yelped accidentally.
"Did something–" He dropped his controller, rolled on his small couch and screamed into the pillows.
I looked towards the screen and saw that he had died in the game. I knew better than to play any of those challenging games, especially as a boy with uncontrollable gaming anger. I felt him on an emotional level.
"You suck," I said as I sat next to him.
Looking at his bed, I wondered if that was where they did it. My heart sank a little. I was jealous.
He sat back up just to flip me off with a cute angry face. "Fuck off, Nathan."
"I love your accent," I said as I grabbed a burger from the bag and went in.
"Stooop!" He went back to the pillow and hid a flustered face.
"Eat before I eat it all, and I will."
He was trying hard not to smile as I stared hard with my mouth full of food. I wasn't even chewing, I just wanted to look like a chipmunk with nuts in his mouth.
Wait.
"Why did you buy so much food?" he asked as he went through the bag.
"Boys have to eat," I said with a mouth full.
He chuckled and happily grabbed a burger as I pulled out the long piece of bacon from mine. He picked up the controller again and pulled up Netflix. I suddenly tensed. Was this Netflix & Chill?
"How were your classes?" he asked.
"Fine."
"Really? I let you into my home and all you tell me is fine?" he said with a dead ass serious voice.
"THEY WERE FINE!" I yelled comically. "They are classes not the circus. Nothing happened. Just learning."
"Did you learn?"
He was fucking with me.
"What did you do today?" I said, changing the subject.
"Nothing. You?"
"Oh my god." I almost choked trying to swallow. Why was he so good at this all while keeping a straight face?
"I woke up gay, ate some gay breakfast and then played some gay video games," he added.
"Why was it all gay?"
I noticed his knee touched mine. It might have been wishful thinking that he purposely wanted our knees to rub together. But I had to face the reality that this couch was really small. We fit perfectly because I was a skinny bitch and he was small, even with his biceps, but a guy could dream.
I wanted it to be a sign so bad that I couldn't stop thinking about it.
"Cause I was sucking a dick while doing all of it," he said, again keeping the dead serious tone.
"I want to die."
"Don't we all?"
"What are you putting on? What is this?" I asked, confused as the show started. It wasn't even from the beginning, it was like half way through an episode and half way through the season.
"I told you I was going to show you Titus Andromedon."
There was a bald black guy on the screen. His eyes were intensely large and so . . . beautiful. Next to him was an odd looking white chick with red hair and really pale skin. We ended up watching four episodes and I couldn't stop laughing for a minute. This show was so ridiculous and it worked.
"I've never met someone so perfect," I said when the season ended. I could have kept watching more but Dakota paused it.
"Yeah, I wish Titus was my boyfriend," he said.
"Is Titus your type?"
He looked at me with that dangerous serious look again that I did not miss for the past two hours.
"A hundred percent."
"Damn. I didn't even have a chance." My entire body, although stood quite still and statue-like, crumbled from the inside and turned to ash. I had the reply in my throat for a few seconds before my insides forced it out of my mouth. It was the perfect response for the perfect moment for the perfect emotions that I had.
Dakota gave out a short snort while he looked at me and I looked away from his prying eyes.
"What do you mean?"
He knew exactly what I meant.
This wasn't high school, come on, buddy, make it easier for me.
"Uh, you know . . ." I was good with words.
"Hm." Oh shit he was catching up. "You know, we've never really talked much about how you feel. I know you told me Leo was the reason you were comfortable enough to come out to people, but you've never really said anything else. Not that I can remember anyway."
I stopped eating at this point. I was too nervous about anything I'd say next that I wouldn't be able to swallow.
"Yeah, I kinda figured I like guys when I was ten maybe?" I said, recalling the old days and picturing every moment of doubt I'd ever had growing up. "I had a best friend at the time that I loved hanging with and I found myself daydreaming about how cute he was. It was never a sexual thing, I don't think I had sexual feelings until I was sixteen when I lost my virginity to my girlfriend at the time."
"You've never had a boyfriend?" he asked.
"No, never. I had a guy friend years ago that I experimented with but it never went anywhere."
"Was it a good experience?"
"Yeah, it was good."
"Have you ever considered anything else but bisexual?" he asked. "I'm just curious, you don't have to answer if you don't want to."
Dakota was smart in this department, but I wasn't. His knowledge of gay rights, sexualities, struggles and whatnot was beyond anything I could ever know. I was actually afraid to sound ignorant. I'd only ever known gay, straight, bisexual and lesbian. I knew there were others but since I never assumed I was anything else, I never took the time to research.
"Honestly, for the longest time I was the only non-straight person I knew."
"Till Leo?"
"Yeah, but even then I didn't learn much. I've met a lot of gay people because of him and that's it. What about you?"
"What about me?"
"When did you know you were gay?"
I watched him lick his lips and mentally gulped. If I had actually gulped he might have caught me.
"I don't think I know the answer. I've always liked boys. Never had an interest in girls."
"Have you had any boyfriends?" I asked.
"I've gone out with guys . . ." His face dropped and my heart sank for the sixth time that day. He didn't need to say anything else, I could read his face like a book. With the things I knew about him, I was not surprised. It wasn't fair and if he gave me their addresses, I'd pay each and every man that had ever hurt him a visit. And not a nice one.
"No luck?" I wanted to say so much more than that, but what could I say in this moment? Part of me wanted to make him laugh and pull out one of my many amazing jokes, but that didn't always work for people. It required more effort than a stupid line.
He shrugged and took another bite of his burger.
This was his second burger in the last two hours. I was on my fourth. He was right about me buying too many. But I was a hungry boy and I'd assume he was also a hungry boy.
"I kind of want to give up on boys completely," he said.
"Why?"
"It's never been worth it for me. A cute guy will always disappoint you no matter what."
"Look for an ugly guy then, there's plenty of us."
He chuckled lightly. "You're not ugly."
"Really? My mom thinks so."
That made him burst out laughing. I smiled at his reaction and let him laugh at the fact that I was an ugly boy and my mom never let me forget it.
"If your mom really said that then I must meet her."
"Only if I can introduce you as my boyfriend."
Silence.
Horrible, deafening and fatal silence.
He stopped smiling and only looked at me with those magical hazel eyes that turned golden whenever the sunlight hit his face. My head was the only reason the sun didn't continuously illuminate his eyes like a never ending torch.
Why did I say that? I regretted it, yes. Why would Dakota want someone like me? I was nothing. I'd probably end up disappointing him like every other guy. What made me so special? He was above and beyond amazing and so beautiful and deserved someone at his level.
Maybe I just . . . didn't want to get my heart broken. I normally didn't beat myself up like this, but I knew I was developing feelings for Dakota. Ever since that day I met him, we hadn't gone a day without texting or calling each other. Was it wishful thinking that maybe he also liked me back? Was it my imagination letting me believe that only a person who liked me would even spend that much time with me? What if I wasn't the only one he talked to? What if that was just who he was and there was nothing special about us.
Dakota was special. I wasn't.
I wasn't sure if Dakota was blushing or if he was getting mad: His skin had turned reddish, but not enough to be too obvious. I was just really attentive when it came to everything about him. His face was difficult not to look at. Literally from the color of his hair and his eyes and his skin, there was a beautiful golden theme and I often pictured him as a God.
Or maybe his style was just on point. But I'd rather think of him as a powerful and mighty God ready to smite my heart.
"What?" I asked after a twenty second stare contest.
"Nathan, I don't want to hurt you," he said, his voice sounding almost scared.
"You won't hurt me," I assured.
"Nathan, I–"
"I like you, Dakota. I like you a lot."
HOLY SHIT I ACTUALLY SAID IT!
Was some part of me freaking out to the point I wanted oblivion and nothing but the emotionless void? Yes. But I did it. I said it and now I couldn't ever feel bad that I never said what I was feeling. No matter what happened after this, I will leave knowing I tried.
He began to cry. Shit! Fuck!
"I'm sorry I'm not good with this!" he said, shying away from me so I couldn't see his face.
"Don't be sorry, I didn't mean to make you upset." I may have said that calmly, but I was burning from the inside. What do I do? What do I do?
He came back to face but only this time he was covering his eyes from me.
"No, it's not you. I get a rush of fear when this happens, I feel stupid for crying, but I swear it makes sense."
I wanted to reach out and grab him, hold him against my skinny chest and make him feel okay. I was nervous as hell because I knew what was coming. He was going to warn me about him. He just didn't know that I was going to tell him I didn't care and I liked him regardless. Unfortunately I couldn't just say it right now, I wanted him to reach that comfort level to be able to say it himself.
"It's okay, you can talk to me," I said.
"Nathan, I like you too."
"But?"
He said he likes you back and you're asking why? What the fuck, Nathan?
Dakota used his shirt to wipe his eyes and slowly, very slowly, looked into my eyes before bursting out crying again. This was actually torturing him. I felt so bad because I knew what he wanted to say but I couldn't say that I knew. It felt wrong.
"I'm sorry."
"It's okay." I wrapped an arm around him and pulled him closer to me. I didn't care about my feelings anymore. This was hurting him.
He accepted my embrace and snuggled his head against my chest. "I've done this so many times and each moment ended the same," he said quietly into my shirt. "It just scares me so much and it brings back all the bad memories and feelings that I try to avoid. It doesn't feel good and I hate it. But I can't control the fear that rushes through me."
He literally had PTSD from telling guys he was transgender. What the fuck even happened for him to be this way? What did they do or say to him? I knew assholes existed but since I wasn't transgender, I couldn't imagine it. Maybe it was the same fear gay people had when they didn't know if the straight person they were coming out to were going to react violently or not.
His heart must have been broken over and over.
"Hey, we don't have to talk about anything you don't want to. I'm sorry if I was forward, if you want I can talk and maybe that will make you feel better?" He nodded his head and I continued. "Well, I'm gonna be honest with you. I was scared as fuck today. I wanted to hang out with you today because I wanted to tell you in person that I like you. I wanted to ask you out but I really couldn't figure out if you'd say yes or no."
"I would've never guessed you liked me," he said calmly.
"I think I was obvious but that's just me."
"Okay." He pulled back and created some space between us on the little couch. "I'm going to tell you something."
"If that something isn't that you like me back, I'll start crying," I told him.
"I already said I like you," he said.
"I know, I just wanted to hear you say it again."
"You're making it harder."
Don't say a dick joke, that's inappropriate right now.
"Sorry! I'll be quiet." I pressed my lips together.
"I'm gonna stop stalling and just rip the band-aid off. Nathan, I'm trans."
"Trans . . . cending? Yeah, you're amazing. You're beyond this world."
"What? No. Transgender."
"Honestly? That's amazing."
"You're . . . " He squinted his eyes at me.
"Not transgender, but definitely cool with it. Nothing wrong with it."
"You're really okay with it?" he said in the saddest voice.
"Hey, yeah, I am."
"I wasn't expecting this."
"I'm sorry if people are assholes to you. I promise I won't be that to you. Whether you go out on a date with me or you prefer to stay friends, I'll always be good to you."
"Wow, you actually like me."
Now it was my turn to blush. I was so fixated on Dakota being upset that I forgot all the little insecurities whispering how much of a trash person I was. Now they were back and they were taunting me.
"Yeah, I do."
"Okay, I'll go out with you."
"Seriously? I could die right now." My heart was exploding with happiness, but I kept my cool and pretended I was a chill dude who totally didn't jump up and down when my crush liked me back.
"Yeah, sorry for crying. If I knew I had nothing to worry about, I wouldn't have been so nervous."
"No problemo, dude."
"Can I kiss your cheek?" he asked.
Oh God. Oh God. Oh God.
"Y-Yeah? You can kiss my mouth if you want."
"No, I just want to thank you for being kind to me," he sad as he leaned closer and pressed his lips to my skin. My skin turned hot like fire and I wanted to scream, but I was a chill dude with chill vibes. No screamo from me.
"I'm never washing my face." I realized those were poor choice of words a little too late. "Wait, I swear I'm not gross. I guess I'll just have to come back here when I want a fresh new kiss."
"Wanna keep watching?" he asked, ignoring what I had said and letting me not feel the embarrassment of my stupidity.
"Yeah." I leaned against him and this time he wrapped his arm over my shoulders. I felt small and cute and warm.
This was totally worth the mini breakdown I had. I was happy to have proven my evil thoughts wrong. I was good enough.
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[Author's Message]: Aaah! I was so excited about this chapter. I've known since the beginning that Nathan and Dakota were going to end up together, I kind of created them to be MEANT for each other. If you guys want more chapters with Nathan/Dakota please let me know, originally this book was only meant to be Leo/Derek but I don't mind bending the rules a little and write different chapters here and there and include Nakota's relationship. It's not a bad thing, it's my book so I make the rules and this book DOESN'T EVEN HAVE RULES. The book won't be forever, so if you guys want more chapters with them, WRITE IT IN THE COMMENTS. If I don't see people wanting them, I won't write them. (I might even write a u kno wat scene mhmmmmmm)
Did you like the chapter though? I tried to make it cute, but realistic, and have real feelings, especially feelings that trans people have. The fear is real. I hope any Nathan haters are starting to see him in a new light cause he is our baby whether you like it or not.