Sarah
There are days when you want to wake up on a beautiful sunshine morning and get all ready and go out, exploring the world, the people around you, to spend time with your loved ones, and spend your life laughing and loving people. But there are days, when you dont want to do anything, you just want to curl up in your bed, watching movies all day and never come out, you want to avoid the human contact as much as possible and probably want to sleep for days.
That was what I was feeling. I was sleeping, I knew it. But I didnt wanted to wake up. To see anyone. To talk to anyone. After what all had happened, I didnt wanted to even open my eyes.
I could hear the all too familiar voices, calling out to me, crying, probably worried for me, but just this once, I wanted to do what I feel like. I just wanted to sleep and never wake up. Baba and mamma and Samia and Wali, I had heard all their voices, asking me to wake up, and I was actually annoyed.
Can't they let me even sleep peacefully? And why are they all crying? I am just sleeping for Allah's sake. I'll wake up when I want to. With that I shut all the voices reaching my ears and once again drift to a beautiful sleep.
************
'Sarah, come on beta. Baba is here. Wake up' I heard baba, his voice heavy as if he has been crying since long.
'Baby please, dont do this to us. We cannot live without you' now it was mamma and she was crying.. No. I cannot stand her crying. Now I have to wake up. I tried to open my eyes but I couldnt. I tried again, but the same happened.
But why is it happening to me?
Maybe its just a dream, where you feel like you cannot move, as if you are paralysed. Shaking my thoughts, I again drifted back to sleep, not before deciding that I'll wake up soon.
********
I was again watching a dream, I guess, and it was that one dream, where you see yourself falling from a height, and you keep falling and falling and falling. I was screaming and shouting, calling for help, but no one came. But then, I felt that there was no one. No one to help me. No one to save me. So I stopped screaming, and stopped hoping that anyone would come and save me. It felt as if I wasnt dreaming, as if it was all real. I really was falling and there actually was no one to save me.
Then at a distance, I saw a silhouette of a person, a man, and I thought that he will save me. But he didnt move an inch from his place, instead was happy to see me fall. To see my downfall.
But who was he?
He looked familiar, and his green eyes shone in the dark, but I couldnt actually see his face. It was dark. So dark. Now I was scared.
'Sarah' came baba's voice and I immediately relaxed. I looked around, but couldnt see him.
'Wake up beta. I am ordering you or else I wont talk to you' he said and I panicked.
No.. Its the worst thing when your parents wont talk to you.
'Baba, you wait out, I'll sit here with her' came Samia's beautiful voice and I immediately relaxed. Alhumdulillah.. she saved me.
'Sarah, come on darling you have to wake up. Everyone is worried seeing you like this. Mamma just fainted and baba has been crying since the last two days-'
Two days? What a joke.. Samia you too, Wali is enough.
And why is he crying? And mamma fainted?
' -dont make it any worse for them. Please. You have to live, you have to make your career, you have to have lots of children first. Ok. For Ayeza. Just for her. Please, she has been also restless and its difficult to calm her down. You wake up and take care of her. I am tired' she said crying.
Ok.. Now I have to wake up. There is something wrong. Everyone has been crying and mamma is sick. What's happening to everyone? Then suddenly there was some other familiar voice, which I couldn't actually point, who he was.
'I am sorry'
Who is he? And why is he apologizing?
'I am so sorry Sarah. I know I didnt trust you and have hurt you a lot, but please dont die on me. Please wake up darling. Dont take this type of revenge. I am so so sorry. I am a jerk and a very bad husband, but I cant live without you. Just wake up and then you can take revenge on me. I will spend whole my life apologising to you. You were right Sarah, you are always right. I know the truth now. You didnt do anything wrong so why are you punishing yourself. Just wake up and punish me. Sarah, please I beg you' the person finished as I felt my heartbeats quicken.
Husband?
I had been trying for long to open my eyes and now, I felt that my hard work was paying off. A sudden flash of light entered my eyes making me shut my eyes again. Slowly, I opened them again, as they met with the white walls and pungent smell.
I hate this smell.. Hospital? But Why?
I felt a deathly pain shot through my whole body making me wince, as I tried to move. And at the same time I heard a gasp next to me, as the person almost pounced on me making me look at him in alarm. And as soon as my eyes fell on his beautiful green ones, everything came crashing down on me.
"Alhumdulillah, you-" he continued but I had already zoned out.
The green eyes..
He was the one in my dream, who was happy to see me falling, who didnt save me, but instead kept laughing.
My husband. Yazan.
That night. Rains. Him leaving me alone, heartbroken. The accident.
Everything played infront of my eyes, as he cupped my face and looked happy?
So I'm at the hospital..that explains the pain and my wrapped up body, almost like a mummy.
He continued to show his concern, muttering Alhumdulillah, and I kept looking at him, staring at him, filling my eyes with his handsome face, reading each and every feature, to stay with me, coz the thing I was going to do would not be easy for me. It would shatter me to the core, but I am not going to suffer anymore, in the hands of someone who didnt trust me.
I am sorry.
I suddenly remembered his voice, crying and pleading me to wake up and to forgive him. So now he knows the truth. But how?
For a moment I was beyond the clouds and was so happy that I could just jump into his arms, but then controlled my emotions. No. I cannot do this. I cannot forget everything just because he apologized. I cannot forgive him. I was broken beyond limits. He had shattered me in ways I couldnt even fathom, and I dont think I can be easily healed.
This heart cannot be healed.
He grabbed my hand and was about to kiss, when I jerked my hand away, regretting immediately, as the pain shot through my body once again, and looked at him without any emotions,
"I dont know you" as I said this, his smiling face fell and he staggered a few steps back, taking hold of the wall for support.
"What?" he whispered with broken expressions. Suddenly Baba's voice made me look away, as I gulped down the tears, threatening to spill.
"Oh my daughter, Sarah" he ushered to me, with glistening eyes and leaned towards me, kissing my head, muttering Alhumdulillah. I too wrapped my one arm around his waist, ignoring the pain, as for the other one, I couldnt even move it, as he prolonged his kiss, not standing back, as if that would make him lose me, the tears now streaming down my face.
Then the doctor came inside with a nurse and asked baba to move away and wait outside so that he can check me. I didnt even glance at his face. After they both left, he came forward and checked my pulse.
"How are you feeling miss?" he asked and I nodded. Then he pulled up his three fingers asking me their count. Like seriously? I suddenly had the urge to roll my eyes, but then answered rather.
"What is your name?" he asked.
"Sarah"
"Your parent's name?"
"Mr. Ismail Husain and Mrs. Iram Ali"
"How many siblings do you have?"
"Two, Samia and Wali"
"Are you married?"
Silence.
"Miss, are you single or married?"
"Married" I spoke with much difficulty, as my heart constricted.
"Good good" he said nodding as I felt my vision blur.
Married? Is that so?
"Now I'll let your family in. They were very much worried for the last two days" he smiled at me and my eyes widened.
"Two days?" I exclaimed making him chuckle.
"Yeah. You have been out for two days. But you are very much okay now. You'll be discharged tomorrow. Get well soon" he said smiling at me and patted my head softly. It was then that I actually looked at his face. He was almost the age of baba, and his smile spoke that he was genuinely happy for me. He left and I could hear faint voices from outside. I guess he was telling my family about my health. I couldnt wrap the thought around my head that I had been out for two days. And yet here I was, awake as a bear, as if nothing happened, but obviously the wounds and the pain were speaking otherwise.
Alhumdulillah..
I couldnt help but thank Allah, for giving me this new life, for not leaving my parents distressed. As I was thinking, the door opened and the first person to enter was my mother.
As soon as her eyes rested on me, she ran towards me, crying, and I could feel my tears streaming down.
"Baby, you okay?" she said cupping my face softly and I shut my eyes. Her touch. Oh I was so craving for her touch. It made me feel a thousand times better and I nodded.
"You scared us darling. Dont do that again" she said sobbing hysterically and sat next to me on the bed tracing her hands on my head.
I tried to sit up, so that I can hide myself in her arms and never come out of them, to be their for the rest of my life, in my safe abode, but regretted immediately as I winced in pain, and she calmed me down.
"No beta, dont get up" came a familiar voice and I looked up to see my mother in law standing their with tears in her eyes as she saw me with love and only love. Then I realised that I hadnt even glanced around, and my eyes didnt see anyone beside my mother.
As I looked up, everyone was in the room, my inlaws, my parents, Samia Api, Noman bhai and my baby Ayeza and him. He was looking at me intently with hurt, but I averted my gaze immediately and smiled at all of them. It was even difficult to smile.
"Mamma, I want to sit. My back is sore and I am thirsty" I croaked as I felt my throat dry. Mamma nodded and looked around and from the corner of my eyes I saw Yazan ran out and came back with a nurse. The nurse came and lifted the upper half of the bed through a lever. Mamma brought me a cup of water and made me drink.
"You scared us beta, how are you feeling now?" uncle asked coming forward and stood next to me keeping his hand on my head.
"I am fine uncle, dont worry" I looked at him then at everyone. I could see the worry in everyone's eyes. And I couldnt help but feel so thankful that I had so many people who loved me and cared for me so much.
"Get well soon, saali sahiba (sister in law)" Noman bhai grinned at me making me smile at him.
"Inn Shaa Allah" I replied back.
Suddenly the door opened and someone barged inside, not giving me a chance to comprehend and attacked me with a bear hug, making me hiss in pain.
Wali.
I smiled and hugged him back, with tears in my eyes. I missed them.
"Wali, careful." Baba suddenly exclaimed horrified and he instantly jerked back looking all over me saying sorry.
"Its okay, I am fine. Can I get one more hug?" I asked pouting and he nodded smiling, his eyes glistening with tears. Ever so slowly, he leaned and softly hugged me, as I rested my head on his shoulders, immediately feeling relaxed.
"You okay?" he whispered in my ear.
"I am fine. Just a lil pain" I whispered back.
"I am going to kill the person, whoever is responsible" he whispered and before I could say anything, he stood back on his feet and placed a soft kiss on my forehead.
"Can anyone explain what happened that day? Sarah, beta you were staying with your parents, then how come you landed here?" Uncle asked cringing at the end, looking around, as if even the sight of the hospital, is giving him uneasiness, looking pointedly at Yazan.
Oh!! So no one knows what happened. Alhumdulillah..
"No. She wasnt staying with us. She left with him" Wali yelled in anger, pointing at Yazan, who was still standing in the corner. I looked up at everyone's confusion filled face.
"Wali, you can speak normally" mamma scolded him and I softly held his fist, making him relax. A little.
Ya Allah.. What do I do, what do I do? Think Sarah. Think.
"Umm.. Actually.. It was m-my fa-" Yazan started but I cut him off,
"Actually..umm.. after we left, I was sad for leaving, and Yazan asked me but I didnt say anything. So after pestering me for long I told him and till then we had reached his home. So he said that he'll take me back home, but I insisted that I could go by myself as it was late already and I didnt wanted him to get late for office. He didnt allow me, and when he went inside just to drink water, after asking me to wait, I left, without him knowing and then gave him a call that I had taken a cab. The rest I dont remember" I said looking down, and felt everyone's gaze at me.
I lied.
Ofcourse I would. I never wanted them to know what happened between us. I never wanted them to worry. I never wanted that they look down upon him with disappointment, my parents and especially his parents. If they get to know the truth, they will be hurt, and I would never want that.
I looked up and my eyes met with his green ones, shock evident in them, and more than that. Guilt. I looked away.
"How can you be so immature Sarah. For Allah's sake you are married" Samia Aapi spoke with irritation and I smiled sheepishly at her.
"Sorry" I sang and raised my hands to hold my ears, but rather cried in pain.
"Oww"
"Dont do that. Your left hand is fractured" almost everyone shouted and I nodded.
Woah. I have a fracture. I always thought what it feels to have a fracture.
"Okay. Now everyone, shoo. Go home and take rest. I am perfectly fine now" and everybody shook their head, making me roll my eyes. Typical.
"Please. I am anyways being discharged tomorrow" I said and everybody started arguing to who'll stay with me. I looked at them, a smile tugging my lips, as I chuckled.
"Okay. So how about, Wali stays for now and for the night, you all can decide later" I said and everybody looked at each other while Wali grinned, raising his fist in the air, as if winning a first prize in some race.
After sometime, everyone left, except Wali and him. He didnt move from his place, and kept staring at me. I could feel his gaze burn holes in my head, but I didnt look at him.
"Wali, can you please leave us alone for a few minutes" he said at last and I felt heat all throughout my body.
What does he want now? Wasn't that night enough to let me know how characterless I am? Hasn't he got his fill in breaking and tearing me apart?
I was about to ask Wali, to not leave, and send him away, but I stopped myself. He will guess that something is wrong between us and that was the last thing I wanted now, with Wali being alone here.
"No. And no. You can come later" he said gritting his teeth and I internally grinned. Thats my brother. But again, I have to show that we are fine.
"Wali" I said with a warning and he took a deep breath.
"Fine" he muttered angrily and left.
I looked at everything but him, as my peripheral vision showed that he slowly walked and sat on the stool, next to my bed.
"I was actually scared when you said that you dont know me" he said laughing awkwardly, as if to ease the tension, but I didnt react and leaned back on the pillow, looking straight at the painting on the wall.
Silence.
"I am sorry Sarah" he whispered after what felt like hours. I closed my eyes shut, wanting to just disappear from here. Not wanting to hear his voice, not wanting to even look at his face. I was crying internally.
I was angry.
Hurt.
Broken.
Shattered.
"Sarah, please look at me" he almost cried and I didnt react. I could feel my body burn, with his voice. My hands and legs were shaking, but thankfully they were under the blanket.
"Sarah, I know I have been very wrong. I had doubted you, when you were not at all at fault. I know that it was that bastard Aditya who forced it, I know the truth. Sarah, please forgive me" he said as he held my hand softly.
I could feel that he was crying, he was guilty, and it broke me all the more from inside. But more than that, I was angry, at him. He said he loved me, how could he not trust me. How could he not believe me.
He squeezed my hand a little in order to draw my attention, but I slowly removed my hand from his grasp and turned my head to the other side.
"I think I should rest now" I said curtly as a lone tear escaped my closed eye, which thankfully he couldn't see. After sometime, I heard the door close and knew that he was gone. As soon as he left, a sob escaped my lips and tears started streaming down my face. The door opened again, and I hastily wiped away my tears, ignoring the pain, only to see Wali entering with a box in his hand.
The moment his eyes rested on me, he tensed and rushed to me, while I faked a smile.
"What happened Aapi? Why are you crying?" he asked worriedly and I shook my head.
"Nothing..its just...it hurts" I answered, holding back a sob and he tensed and looked away, as if not being able to look at my broken form. After a few seconds he turned with a smile on his face, a fake one I must say, and rolled his eyes.
"Oh comeon haddi, dont be a baby. You are married for Allah's sake" he said imitating Samia , making me chuckle. And he smiled, a real one this time.
"Now, see what I have got for us to kill time" he said grinning, flashing the box infront of my face.
"Ludo and snakes and ladders" I exclaimed excited and he nodded eagerly. It was the best childhood memory of us three. We would always play this board game when we were kids, and ended up fighting and crying, blaming each other for cheating.
Wali snapped his fingers at my face making me come out from my trance.
"You remember this?" he asked gazing at the box with a smile on his face, as if reminiscing the childhood days.
"Of course I do" I said softly.
"Lets play" he said and took out the contents and laid it on the bed beside me. And we started playing, him moving his players as well as mine, as we continued the ranting, and laughed. And I was thankful, that he will always be the one to take my mind off of things which would hurt me in any form.
***********
"Mamma, I am full" I said turning my face away, as mamma continued to feed me since the last, how many hours, I dont know.
"No you are not. You haven't eaten anything since the last two days. Now comeon" she said reaching forward to again put a spoonful of horrendous soup in my mouth, as I made a face.
"Last" I said, taking the spoon in my mouth and then mamma made me drink water.
"Baba, I want to eat icecream" I whined, looking at him, who was sitting on the sofa next to Wali, who was sleeping with his mouth open. Baba chuckled and shook his head and went out, while mamma glared at me.
"You are not allowed to eat food from out" she said keeping away the utensils.
"Its not food, its dessert" I grinned and she rolled her eyes and sat next to me. I rested my head on her shoulder and she wrapped her arm around me, when she suddenly spoke,
"Yazan has been sitting outside the whole day"
Thud.
I didnt knew that, I thought he had left. My heart started beating fast, but I didnt react, instead said,
"Tell him to go home mamma. He must be tired"
After long moments of silence, she just hummed and stood to wake Wali up. Baba entered with ice cream, and I grinned. Immediately I reached forward with my bruised, not fractured hand, and took it from him.
"How did you make it baba? I mean they wont let anyone enter with outside food" I asked devouring the tasty icecream, when his next words left me stunned,
"Yazan, brought it. I dont know how" and all my craving for icecream was gone. Slowly keeping the icecream aside, I told them that I wanted to sleep now. They nodded and pulled back the bed to its original place, and Baba, after dropping a long kiss on my forehead, left with Wali.
Mamma was staying the night, as tomorrow I will be discharged. I had talked to my inlaws on phone and they said that they'll visit the first thing in the morning. I tried to sleep, but it was the most difficult part right now, as my whole body was in pain, and more than that, my mind and heart were constantly reminding me of a certain someone.
Yazan has been sitting outside the whole day.
Mamma's words rang in my head and I shut my eyes in order to throw away all his thoughts from my mind, but that didnt work. Mamma was now asleep, and I laid there, drowning in agony and anger, and didnt realise when sleep took over me, that too was the effect of the painkillers the nurse had given me.
The chirping of the birds and the soft cool breeze, woke me up and I looked outside the window, a beautiful morning awaiting me, making me smile. I looked around and saw mamma sleeping, a sense of peace showing from her face as if, she was sleeping peacefully after days.
Feeling my throat dry, I reached out for the glass of water kept on the side table, but instead the glass fell on the floor, and mamma woke up with a start.
"What happen? Are you okay?" she asked worriedly and I nodded.
"Just thirsty, but I couldnt pick the glass"
"You should have woken me up" she said and filled a cup with water and brought to my lips.
"You opened the window mamma?" I asked, coz I remember baba closing it last night and mamma was still sleeping.
"No. I was sleeping" she said confused.
"Maybe the nurse came" I said smiling, thankful to her, as I really needed some freshness in the morning.
After sometime the doctor came and checked me, saying that I would be discharged today, as my reports were normal, and about the fractures and bruises, they will be better healed at home, around the people I love. I had an instant liking towards the doctor as I wont be able to stay one more day here.
My inlaws were now here and him too, sitting in a corner, as usual, staring at me, and me looking anywhere but him.
"Lets go home now beta, the discharge papers have been taken care off" uncle said smiling at me as a nurse brought a wheel chair inside the room. I cringed internally on seeing it.
"Come, Sarah" Baba said holding my hand and I moved a little but hissed in pain, as the doctor said that my ribs were fractured and I had to take extra care, and that it wont be easy for me to even move.
I again tried when Baba, wrapped his hand around me, to give me support, but instead cried in pain. Baba immediately cupped my face, while holding my hand, and wiped away my tear.
"Wait, uncle" came a familiar voice and I looked up to see Yazan coming forward, as Baba moved aside and turning his face away, wiped his tear. He was crying on seeing his daughter in pain. That made me cry even more, as tears slowly trickled down my face.
He stood next to my bed and stooped to my height, as my eyes widened when I realised what he was about to do.
"No. Wait. Where is Wali?" I asked out loud, almost panicking.
"He is not here. Had an important test" he whispered next to me and very softly and slowly picked me up in his arms, as a gasp left my mouth, and I held onto his shirt tightly in my fist.
I was embarrassed and angry. I didnt dare look up at anyone of my parent's face, and felt his piercing gaze on me. My face was all heated, as I felt my heartbeats quicken. Slowly, walking ahead, he then sat me on the wheelchair, and surprisingly, nothing hurt, except the regular continuous pain.
"Thank you beta" mamma said and he shook his head smiling at her. His breathtaking smile.
He suddenly turned towards me making me look away. Licking my dry lips, I said,
"Mamma, I want to go home"
"Yes, yes. Lets go" aunty said walking, and I again said,
"No a-aunty. I want to go to my home".
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Assalamualaikum!!!