Chapter 35

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I woke up with a pounding headache, grabbing my head in my hands, as if that would make the pain vanish. As I opened my eyes, I found myself sprawled on the floor, my head resting at the edge of the bed rather uncomfortably, in the same red dress which was actually paining my eyes to look at. Last night I had hardly just removed the abaya, which was aunty's, and then I dont remember when I slept while crying. I got up and made my way to the washroom and snatched the dress off of my body, feeling as if it was choking me, and stood under the shower, not before looking at myself in the mirror, and what I saw didnt surprise me at all. Huge bags under my eyes, black kajal patches all over the face due to the tears, and lipstick spread from my right cheek to the left cheek, which I remember I had smudged it last night in haste and anger leaving a painful sensation on my lips.

Quickly taking a shower and making wudu, I went out dressing myself, grabbed a prayer mat and started praying. It was still dark outside, the chirping of the birds was like a serene silence, that felt like a music to my ears. I prayed fajr and then recited some quran, finding peace with The One and Only, Allah azzawajal, who will be with us no matter what. Even if we sin, He never leaves us on our own, not even for a wink for an eye, till the time we keep remembering him and praying for forgiveness.

I didnt fail to notice his absence in the room, but didnt ponder over it much. I had grieved enough and now there weren't any tears to shed. Taking a deep breath, I closed the Quran, and after sending durood upon our Prophet (may peace be upon him) I went towards the window and perched up on the edge, as I rested my head on the window pane, and started doing some zikr.

سُبْحَانَ اللَّهِ، وَالحَمْدُ لِلَّهِ، وَلَا إِلَهَ إِلَّا اللَّهُ، وَاللَّهُ أَكْبَرُ

Subhaanallaahi, walhamdu lillaahi, wa laa 'ilaaha 'illallaahu, wallaahu 'Akbar.

The Prophet (SAW) said: For me to say: "Glory is to Allah, and praise is to Allah, and there is none worthy of worship but Allah, and Allah is the Most Great" is dearer to me than all that the sun rises upon".

I couldn't help, but my mind and heart kept wandering to the person I didnt wanted to think about right now. Why did he do that was beyond my understanding. Didnt he receive my message? Or he was just too busy to even send me a message that he wasnt coming.

Am I not important for him?.. But he said he loved me.

Maybe he really was busy.. Or was it..something..else..? cant be.

But what about my calls? He didnt pick up my phone, but called aunty?

Maybe he was busy in some meeting when I called and when he tried to call my phone actually couldn't be reached. Yes, thats the only reason. Come on Sarah, dont be negative, you were sitting in a forest, almost. So maybe network wasnt there.. Yes.

But then again.. Was work that important that he kept me waiting.. alone?

Shaking my negativity away, I decided that the first thing I will do at office was to ask him the reason for his absence, and then, when he will be sorry, then only I will forgive him.

But however much I was thinking, somewhere deep in my heart, I knew I was just trying to convince myself.


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