Jacquees was at home sick so he decided not to come to school today but he said that he would still pick me up. It was lunch time and I told Lyric that I was going to go somewhere else for lunch and she said that she didn't mind. My intentions were to go have lunch under the tree on the hill that overlooked the football field. I passed the bleachers to make my way up there when I heard sniffling. I followed the sound all of the way to the bleachers where I saw Janay with her face buried in her hands. She was the only one out here. I walked up the steps until I got to her row.
"Janay?" I said.
She abruptly looked up at me and then rolled her eyes as if she were embarrassed that I had caught her in that state. I hadn't spoken to her since the party and I already knew that she knew about Jacquees and I.
"Hey, Nicole"
I didn't bother asking if she was okay because it was pretty evident that she wasn't. I made my way over to her and sat down.
"Cookie?" I offered holding an M&M cookie that I had bought from the snack line.
She gave a faint smile and wiped her face before she took the cookie from me.
"Thanks" she said before taking and small bite and wiping the crumbs from the corner of her mouth.
"Why were you crying?" I asked opening my bottle of apple juice and taking a sip.
"...Everything is just going wrong" she answered with her head hung.
"You wanna talk about it?"
She nodded and took another bite out of her cookie.
"I don't blame you for any of what I'm about to tell you" she said first.
I nodded and twisted the cap onto my apple juice listening to her intently.
"I'm so pathetic" she said taking me by surprise by how blunt she was. "Everybody thinks so. Every relationship I get into I end up getting my heart broken. Jacquees knew that and...I still can't believe he would do this to me. I mean...I guess he technically didn't cheat because he broke up with me before you two...did what you did but it still hurts. Don't worry, they don't know that you two had sex. They just know that you're back together. Now everybody keeps looking at me giggling and whispering and shit whenever you two do something affectionate. I try my best to act like it doesn't effect me but I'm just playing myself" she sobbed placing the half eaten cookie on her lap. "I don't even want to move on because my trust in guys is so low right now"
I couldn't help but feel guilty. Willie was right, this situation did make Janay feel like shit and it was all my fault.
"Janay...I'm really sorry. You told me how you felt about him and I just-"
"I told you that I don't blame you" she chuckled wiping her tears away again. "I guess it was better this way. I mean, he's happy so that's good, right?"
"Yeah but you aren't"
"Oh girl, I'll be fine. Thanks for checking up on me though" she said giving me a hug. "And this cookie didn't hurt either" she giggled taking another bite with a smile.
But I couldn't laugh with her because I felt so bad. Janay was really sweet and she doesn't deserve to feel the way she does.
***
I lay next to Jacquees in his bed with his arm wrapped around my waist. We were watching The Game and since it was one of my favorite shows, I thought it would help me get my mind off of Janay but every couple on the show had a scandalous situation which only made me feel bad about mine. Jacquees suddenly paused the tv making me look back at him with a confused expression.
"Did something happen at school today?" he asked in a raspy tone due to his sore throat.
I guess my stressed out face while we were watching tv was too noticeable. I sighed and turned over so that my back was flat on the bed. He hovered over me propping himself up on his elbow.
"I was on my way to that hill that we usually eat on sometimes and on my way there I saw Janay by herself on the bleachers...crying" I said fumbling with my finger tips.
"Crying about what?" he asked coughing a little bit afterward.
"I went over to talk to her and she told me that everybody is on her ass about us and laughing at her like she's a joke! They think she's pathetic and now she thinks she's pathetic-"
"Why does she think she's pathetic?" he asked.
"Because according to her all of her relationships led to hurt...she also said that it was something you knew" I finished.
He sighed.
"So she blames me?" he asked.
"Well...she didn't say that exactly. She was just so down on herself and I felt so shitty"
"Don't. Look, I'll talk to her" he said with another cough.
"Okay but get better first. I don't need both of ya'll getting sick" I said.
He laughed as I smiled. He leaned over to kiss me but I put my hand up to his lips.
"And you aren't getting me sick either" I laughed.
"Damn, not even just a little kiss?" he said giving me a puppy dog look.
"Nope. You're lucky that I'm even in this bed with you right now. Now play the show. Blue was just about to bust Keira" I said turning back over on my side.
He laughed and pointed the remote at his tv playing it again. I tried to seem more convincing this time but it was really hard not to keep thinking about today. As soon as the entire WIllie situation was settled, this had to come into the mix and make me feel like crap all over again.