By Josslyn
~
Back in first grade, some of the kids in my class overheard the older students talk about the concept of boyfriends and girlfriends. So it quickly became a trending topic. We started to brag. Yes little 7 year olds running around telling everyone when they had a girlfriend or boyfriend.
I was on the list of those of us who had a boyfriend. And, something I still can't believe, I went on my first date at the ripe old age of 6 and a half.
I later justified it as 'my ticket to a free movie'. As I told my mother in the car. (Goldigging since 2006) If I say date, I mean a trip to the movies to watch the latest Disney movie with our mothers a few rows back.
Anyway. We maintained a relationship for a few months, and a friendship with the occasional valentine's rose until 4th grade.
After fourth grade came, crushing season
Everyone wanted to know who your crush was and why. For me it was the guy who sat next to me in home language and the next week the guy who sat behind me in math.
Nothing serious. Until 6th grade. That was my first real crush. His name was Alex. And we spent most of home language pissing off the teacher with us always laughing.
It was the kind of crush that left me blushing for no reason. And everyone knew it. But, it caused a rift. He had a girlfriend. And by the way we acted, half the class thought we were dating.
She hated my guts. And did everything to break me down.
My first bully.
They were unstable. Then together then not. Then fighting then making up.
When they broke up for the final time I still kept my distance, and we merely stopped talking, although I blushed everytime he said something to me. Still do. Even if it's just a Facebook birthday congratulations where he called me by the old nickname he gave me.
Anyway, drifting off point.
After that I was too scared to engage in any romantic stuff. My heart was broken when no one even did anything directly at me.
But 8th grade came, high-school. And I realised I was missing something. It took me a whole semester to realise I was missing her.
This is where my milestone comes in.
The time I finally admitted that I liked her. Robyn, the girl who comforted me when the people I called my friends left me on the sidewalk on the way to a party. She found me crying. And we developed a friendship.
Overtime we became close. I always dismissed every weird thought I had about her. But three months into high school, when we were barely talking, I realised I had loved her. And I use the word love because I still get butterflies thinking about the early morning hockey games when we got to sleep over the previous night. When I woke up a bit earlier just to see her with that peaceful dreamy look on her face.
I still cry when I think about how close we were, when the tour camps involved sharing a shower because the water didn't stay warm for more than 5 showers and we were a team of 16.
Still miss the hugs she'd give me in the mornings, coming to school before heading off to our different groups. It took me a long time to realise that I loved the hugs because for those fleeting moments our bare arms touched.
But like most friends in high school we drifted apart. And now I'm lucky to see her 4 times a week, let alone talk to her. We still have hockey practice. But since she made new friends in the team. I became the extra.
She changed my view on the world. I've been noticing girls more often. Just noticing. Because I'm still unsure. I've told one person. And she's the closest thing I have to a best friend. But even we are drifting apart. She's found someone else to help with her depression. She was excited for me nonetheless saying she had always shipped us. But still, I felt like I told her, but didn't really tell her because I felt like she couldn't understand. Heck, I couldn't even.
I spent my birthday mostly alone this year. Except for a few family members and family friends that came over. But no one from school. I was left with a Facebook message and an empty promise of "I'll try".
She spent my birthday at a theme park with her best friend. And I realise, God, I miss her.
Am I bisexual? Probably, but I still have time to figure out. I know for sure that I loved her. And really liked him.
For Alex. Who broke my heart without doing anything and for you Robyn.
Because my milestone is you Robyn.
For making me realize I can still love, even if it's not a boy