By Anonymous
~
This was the day I came out to my mom.
Everything had started a couple months before. I had finally given in the crush that had been growing inside my heart for so very long. I had been pushing it behind me because I was so scared. In a school where nobody is gay out of fear of being bullied I kept to myself as much as possible. For a month I dribbled over this super sweet girl in my art class, stuttering and nervous whenever she talked to me. When my parents asked me why I was so happy all of a sudden, I passed it off as if I had a crush on a guy. See, in my family we don't often talk about sexuality. I knew of no one that was part of the LGBT+ community to talk to so the only solution I could think of at the time was to keep it to myself. I felt like I was going to explode during the rest of that month, with school work becoming more and more rigorous and a ton of family drama. I finally broke on June 7th 2016. I had a terrible day at school, I received one of the lowest grades in my class on my math exam, I got yelled at by one of my favorite teachers and worst of all a group of boys in my class began using gay as a derogatory term. When I came home I cried on my bed until my mom came home. I quickly cleaned up my face and started drawing. I think my mom could tell that I wasn't doing so well because she took me and my little sister out for dinner. In the most subtle ways possible, my mom tried to get me to talk about what was wrong, but I refused to let her in. Finally, when we came home from the restaurant, she confronted me directly. She told me that she wouldn't leave me alone until I told her what was wrong. That was when I began to cry again. I tried to escape from her, but she wouldn't let it go. My mom has a lot of patience. She works with little kids on a regular basis so I can understand why, but it wasn't very good in my situation. Finally, I climbed under our black living room table, of course she joined me. I cried against the wall, refusing to speak. I was going to have to tell her, no matter if I wanted to or not. I was already trying to think of places to live as I told her about my bad day, leaving out the parts about the boys and being gay. She told me that there was nothing to be crying about and that things were always going to get better. That's when I let it slip. I told her that there was was something else that was bothering me. But, it was something that I was having a hard time saying to her. She suggested that I write it down. And that's what I did.
Here's what I wrote:
Dear Mom,
So, here goes nothing...
I didn't want to tell you this until now because I'm still questioning this myself. I just need time to figure it all out. It's a touchy topic and it could change my future, my job, and just my life in general, so please just support me for now. Once i'm sure, I'll tell you the whole story, but for now this is all you need to know.
Over the past couple of months I have been questioning my sexuality. You've heard about the boys i've liked, but the most recent one, 'dreamy art guy'. It's not actually a guy. I have a queer crush and I'm just really confused. What about our family? Dad's side of the family is really religious too. Will S, M, C not like me anymore? What about my friends? And what about A.? Will the kids at school make fun of the little girl with the weird sister? I don't want things to change, but I know that they will.
You must be wondering why this all came up. Today we were in class and some of the boys were calling each other mean names that I shouldn't say and using words that mean gay for name calling. It makes me scared because what if one day I figure all this out and I'm really gay? Will I be bullied?
I'm so scared and with all the anxiety, stress and the sadness of leaving the school I've come to know, it has rolled into one big ball of 'I have no idea what the hell i'm doing. This also explains my attraction to youtube, art, and just staying home alone because it helps me sort all this stuff out. Next time I start doing the 'anti social thing', just know that i'm taking a minute to think.
Please just don't tell dad about this yet. Once i've figured this all out, i'll tell him, and everyone else. But for now i'm not ready.
I love you so much,
E.
After writing it I decided to give her the letter and then go take a shower. I didn't want to see her reaction in case it was a bad one. I literally grabbed my laptop I typed it up, threw it in her lap and ran for the shower. I took as long as humanly possible to take that shower. I probably killed five whales in the process (sorry whales). When I came out of the shower, my dad had come home so my mom and I didn't talk until right before I went to sleep. She came and sat on my bed. She told me that I was figuring out who I was and that it was okay to feel this way. She told me that my dad is friends with a gay couple and even had a dorm with one of them in college. She was glad that I came out of the closet to her and so was I.
I am so lucky to have such a supportive family. Even though I don't know how my friends S, M and C will feel about this. Or even my little sister for that matter. I am glad to have come out and to my mom.