By Shimaira
~
LGBTQ+ has never been a strange thing to me. I'm from the Netherlands and it's quite normal here.
Back in primary school, one of my classmates had two moms. This was just a fact. It was not questioned or found strange. Some classmates even found it extra cool.
In highschool, it was not something to be ashamed about either. It seemed most people in my circles were at least bicurious.
I never really bothered to think about what I was. About what my label would be. Even though LGBTQ+ was so normal and accepted for me, I never really wondered about my own orientation.
All my early "crushes" had been boys—though, fair enough, I tended to "crush" on every boy that was just nice to me. It wasn't until my later teens that I came to realise I liked girls too.
Looking back, it was rather silly how I could have missed it.
During my teens, almost all posters in my bedroom featured women--the majority were artwork by Luis Royo. The only men—well, man—that adorned my walls was an anime character: Sesshoumaru from the anime/manga Inu-Yasha... And for those who don't know him: he has quite the feminine appearance.
At first I labelled myself bisexual, as I liked both genders.
Years later I changed this to pan. I had never heard of pan before, but after reading up what it meant, I found it more fitting, as to me, someone's attractiveness is not determined by their gender.
But it wasn't until, say, the end of 2015, that I came into contact with the term asexuality multiple times and I started to wonder just what this was.
Someone had shared an article on it and as I read it, something inside me stirred. Little pieces of a puzzle seemed to fall into place. It resonated with me to a certain degree.
I looked into it some more and I learned something important about sexuality and attraction:
There are basically 3 types of attraction.
- Aesthetic
- Romantic
- Sexual
I thought about each one of them. When it comes to the first, I can find someone attractive regardless of their gender identity.
So Pan.
The second was harder to answer. I've only ever been in one relationship, and that one is still going strong. But as I see no reason why someone's gender identity should interfere with my ability to love them romantically, again: Pan.
But then came the third... Sexual attraction.
It was there that I discovered something new about myself.
All my life, I had seldom looked at another human being and found myself to be sexually attracted to them. Confused about this, as I do find sex enjoyable, I looked some more into the meaning of asexuality.
Asexuality does not necessarily mean you don't want/enjoy sex.
Asexuality just means you don't feel any sexual attraction to another person.
Considering I sometimes do feel sexuality attracted to certain people, I decided to adopt the label Grey-A (grey-asexual) with pride.
As I personally don't care much about my gender identity—I got female bits and I like them, but I think I could have been just as happy with male bits—I just consider myself a woman.
However, if I'm cis? No clue, and I don't really care about it either.
Some days I dress really feminine, some days more masculine, I can act more like a guy than a girl, but as these are all stereotype based, I don't want to think up some label to describe my feminine vs masculine side, especially since it can be so mood related.
The label genderfluid might fit me, but I just don't care =P
Where I live a label for that isn't needed. I grew up without strong gender stereotypes. I went around the block on a skateboard, built playhouses, climbed trees. My neighbour boys played with their mother's dolls and no-one batted an eye. And now, as an adult, my co-workers don't judge my appearance, my parents don't seem to care what I do as long as I'm happy, and my friends are all weirdos (and I love them for it) ♥
So,yeah...
Hello, I'm Shimaira. I'm a woman living in the Netherlands and I'm Pan Grey-A.