Everything began to go through that endless cycle I had once gone through before. My grades started to slip, left and right a blunt in between my fingers. No contact with anyone except for Nonna and Dean. Tony hadn't uttered a word at school, with bags under his dull brown eyes and a face void of any emotion.
Alyssa hadn't even showed up to school and I was beginning to get concerned for both of their wellbeings. Although, that was hard to do when I wasn't even sure about my own.
Willow tried speaking to me. Visiting as often as she could yet I never answered the door. Lydia's vehicle started showing up in the parking lot and I worried for her safety. Though she showed up to school without a mark or scratch on her body, I would've been able to tell if they were hidden with makeup. Alas, she wasn't appearing as desperate as I once saw her in the beginning. Despite that, I was unable to look at her without seeing Blake. The flashbacks grew more and more frequent. A grave feeling of nostalgia blanketed me day in and day out. It was so hard to look in those desolate, grieving eyes and not be remorseful. But she did that to herself.
She went with Blake all on her own. He resided in his corner and hadn't been attempting to quarrel with me. I had not seen his face very much at all in school since the incident on the kickball field. Maybe he had a car and chose to drive that instead of riding the bus.
My heart ached and I felt out of it. This wasn't supposed to happen. Nonna tried to pick and prod me on what was going on but I couldn't give her answer. Because it wasn't as though Willow and I were together, screwing, or had anything official going on.
Then why did it hurt so damn much?
Rachel had tormented my mind and Willow was starting to enslave me with the same familiar feeling except worse. I hated not knowing what was going on with me. Stuck somewhere on the spectrum between emotional and emotionless.
"Ace, what's the hold up man? Pass please." Dean's glazed over eyes met mine lazily. "You can't hog it all."
After exhaling, feeling the buzz of positive emotions and carelessness, I offered it to him which he gladly accepted.
However, I'd felt like I had overstayed my time at his house. Daniel spent the night over his friend's house than his own. Their mother (whom they lived with) never got home before I left.
"Hey when's your birthday?" Dean's eyes weren't focused but I knew the question was directed at me. He resided on his king size bed and I sat in the rolley office chair he had in front of a corner desk. Hardly having anything on it and the room was surprisingly clean compared to mine.
Contemplating it for a minute, "The first of December."
"That's pretty cool when you add that on top of Christmas," he gave me a toothy grin while sprawled out on his royal blue comforter.
Then it vanished. A puppy calender was tacked to his wall and he squinted just enough to see the date. "Wait... that's tomorrow bro!"
My careless attitude toward it was the norm. "Your point being...?" I asked after he passed it back and exhaled.
"This is your what, eighteenth birthday? You have to bust through that shit like SWAT in your front door man."
He proceeded to mimick and attempt to knock down an entry way. I chuckled, "I've never been the type to have those extravagant parties because of effort and money. It's not my thing." I waved it off to drop the topic. Another reason was due to the fact that every year as a kid I waited looking out of our screen door in New York for the two people who should've been there the whole time.
"Don't worry about it Ace, we'll have it here. It'll be fan-fucking-tastic!" His enthusiasm made me envious. Years prior to it all, the only thing Nonna could provide in terms of a gift was a cupcake. We were broke and barely could afford food and frequently spent time in the soup kitchen for homeless.
I smiled sadly, feeling the high immediately plummet and the blunt itself burn out. Looking at it I sighed, only if the feeling was permanent. The organic flavor of a glorified cigarette only Dean could supply for me. "Got any whiskey?"
His hazy eyes stared back at mine questioningly then darted to his shutter door closet. "Will vodka suffice? Whiskey's not really my thing." My mind flashed to the almost exact response Rachel gave me in an underground bar we broke into. Shaking my head curtly while simultaneously ridding the memory, "Forget about it." It came out a bit more harsh than intended.
Dean's feet padded across his wooden floor. Creaks were heard from where he stepped. "Way to be a buzz kill, put it in that ziploc next to you," he gestured towards the blunt in my hand and the clear bag on his desk.
While opening it—he opened his mouth, "Ya know I'm not sure why you're so salty about throwing a party for your birthday but-"
"Drop it," I deadpanned. "There's a specific reason why and I don't want to get into it."
His jaw clenched and the familiar sound of grinding teeth was heard. Blanketing it with a false smile, he recovered and added, "What if I promised a week's supply of..." Tilting his head at the ziploc, my conviction started to waver.
"I don't know if I can deal with all that attention Dean. How about a small get together?" In all honesty I wanted to evade this topic and spend my brithday as if it were any other day.
After scoffing, "You really think I'm gonna let this slide by? You've come over my house every day now for the past two weeks and I've hardly been outta this room thanks to you. You've been mopin' around here like a sod, atleast let me help you out." The words stung me, and although that wasn't his intent, Dean's words made me feel guilty and even more bashful.
Scratching my exceedingly thick stubble from two rough weeks, I contemplated his proposal. I realized putting aside the emotional bitterness held over my head would be the only way. Allowing my selfish and deserting parents define my happiness had to be put at rest atleast for the only day I had to myself. "Alright," I gave in, "The amount of people has to be kept to a minimum and no presents."
Dean took a double take at this, "That's the point of a birthday genius. If there are no gifts, what the hell's the reason for having one?"
"I don't want to be left with the burdening task of thanking people and having to repay them. Besides, hardly anyone will show up anyway." Without thinking, I had lifted the edges of his bedroom window higher while lighting up a Pall Mall cigarette.
"Best believe if atleast one of the twins host a party, people will show up. We'll have it here. Come on man," his voice grew closer near the window I had slumped over at. Taking a long drag and exhaling heavily to relieve some stress, "Live a little," he suggested.
Hearing that reminded me of Tony. Poor guy looked like a walking zombie. The break up was eating away at him and I missed seeing the sobering light in his eyes. It hurt seeing my best friend like that. Mainly because all I could see was the reflection of myself. I had debated giving him advice then dismissing the idea at once. What would a lowlife like me be thinking by giving advice to someone who needs it accurately? A hypocrite.
"I'll do it," I stated, smoke escaping my lips like a nicotine filled mist. Dean started to hoorah triumphantly. "On one condition."
He interrupted his celebration asking, "What condition?"
"You do whatever you can to help my friend Alyssa Wells back with her ex."
His clapping stopped abruptly, "How am I supposed to do that when I don't even know her?"
Taking another long inhale, "She used to go with Antonio Alvarez, they've been broken up for weeks now all thanks to Geena." I had to refrain from seething her name, she had ruined their entire relationship.
After flicking the ash of my cigarette, I heard Dean lean the bottle of vodka back. The fluids clashed back and forth at this action and he plopped down on the office chair. I was still leaned over the opening of his rather large window with my back completely facing him.
"I'll see what I can do Ace. But if it gets you on board with this party, best believe I can make shit happen. Tony and Alice-"
"Alyssa," I butted in.
"Right. Tony and Alyssa will be the happiest couple on all planet earth once I hatch up this plan." The wheels of his chair rolled around on his dark wooden floors. I waved off the cigarette and closed the window shut after doing so, momentarily feeling bad for littering.
Once again, I had scratched the thick beard forming along my face. I need to shave badly. It didn't bother me profoundly but got in the way at times. Surprisingly enough it made me look much older, like I'd be long out of high school. My hair was also in desperate need of a cut, its thick locks tousled due to repeated strokes through every strand. I probably appeared the epitome of a caveman.
Dean set his alcoholic bevearge on the desk. "Interested in comin' with me to Sabrina's house?" He asked. When it started becoming a habit to hang out with Dean, I'd eventually met her. She was a sweet girl who offered loads of hospitality and smiles. Her clothing wasn't revealing and she had a meek way about her. It made me wonder how Dean could be jealous when she blantantly showed no interest in anyone other than him. Her personality reminded me of Willow, with her enlightening presence. I couldn't help but miss her lovely aura day in and day out. An ache in my chest began to form.
"No thanks man, it's already late and my grandmother will probably be expecting me home soon. It is a Thursday night after all." I started to pat myself down readily. Waiting to head to the door, Dean stood.
"Alright, I'll see you tomorrow. Hopefully with a nice surprise too." He smirked which meant only God knows. His hand reached out for me to connect with and advanced in a street handshake.
I chuckled at that, "Even though you're annoyingly persistant... thanks." Nothing but pure sincerity leaked from my tone. Despite me not wanting to, Dean genuinely wanted me to experience the joys of a birthday. Either that or he needed an excuse to throw one.
"Anytime."
As I left Pine Oaks to head home, nervouseness coursed through me. A day specifically for me. Never did I think my eighteenth birthday would be more than just any other day. A forbidden thought from the back of my mind enticed me to invite Willow.
Not sure, she may be too entranced by Blake.
Jesus what was I thinking getting all hopped up on jealousy. We weren't official, she didn't matter anymore, her interest was clearly somewhere else.
Liar, she still has you wrapped around her finger. Which is exactly what I didn't want.
I felt a flow of déjà vu settle in the pit of my stomach at the feeling. Like a sinking anchor dragged my movements altogether. Was I not good looking enough? Was it that he had popularity? Was it because he didn't have as many skeletons in his closet as much as I had in mine?
Hell, who was I to judge when I idiotically slept with a red headed hussy. All Willow did was have breakfast with an acquaintance.
The bitter breeze that traveled mixed with my burning angst through the current wisped by. My hands clung to the black hoodie I sported. Discreetly, I pulled the hood over my head preparing myself for quite the distanced walk.
Yet, it was the context the situation presented itself in. I had no intent to partake in intercourse with such a shameless bed warmer. But Willow intentionally went out of her way to dine with the one guy who offended me by offending her. My job was to make her dimples show and the corners of her warm brown eyes crinkle in laughter, not his.
He had no right to take what I craved.
When the stop light finally turned red I crossed hastily across the street. The sun was starting to set and the air grew chillier by the minute. Willow angered and confused me. How she graced my mind effortlessly. Why couldn't I make her feel that way?
But I had to hush those thoughts in sake of my God forsaken sanity. Last thing I needed was to compare this situation to almost a year ago. Either way, the whole time I was right and should have kept my distance with an aloof façade.
As the laces of my shoes started to untie, I stared down at them not bothering to tie them back.
Maybe everything did happen for a reason.