Hello there my lovies, I see you've stumbled onto my book.
Well, now that you're here I hope you won't be disappointed with it.
Please let me know what you all think, your feedback would help a lot!
Thank you :)
Enjoy <3
'The walls we build around us to keep sadness out also keep out the joy'
Jim Rohn
Katy's POV
Prologue -
Life is strange. It has a habit of knocking the wind out of you, of changing your whole point of view and just simply messing things up.
Fate is strange too. People say it's there for a reason. There to restore the balance of life and to put everything back on the right track.
They cancel each other out. Life's there to mess everything up and fates there to put back again.
So why is my life so messed up? Where's my fate to put it back together again and to restore the balance. Where's the destiny and the karma, the luck and the love.
When I was younger, I wanted what people called a normal family. I wanted a mum that bakes and played with the children, told them off for getting dirty and picked them up when they fell down.
I wanted a dad that walked in after work and kissed the mum on the cheek and the children on their heads. That told funny stories over dinner and read bedtime stories. I wanted summer holidays away at the beach and ice creams. Silly arcade games and fair ground rides. I wanted to laugh at silly jokes and to fall asleep at night to be tucked into bed. I wanted brothers and sisters, aunt and uncles, Grandmothers and Grandfathers. I wanted the full, embarrassing, bursting to seams family.
When I was younger, what I wanted was love. To be loved and to love myself.
I had that at one point in my life, I had a loving, caring family, but someone came along and snatched it away. Someone came along and ruined my life.
So from then on I got being told that I wasn't good enough, that I wasn't wanted, that I was just a mistake, an accident, something that never should've happened. That I was worthless and ugly and that no one will ever want me.
So you see, when you hear something enough times, you start to believe it.
You start to believe that you are a worthless, drunken mistake. A burden, a hassle, someone who isn't worth caring for or loving. That you are ugly and that no one will ever want you. When you get told that enough times, you can't help but stare into the mirror and be disgusted by what you see.
So when I stare into the mirror at the round face with bluey grey eyes that can't pick one colour to be, the slight piggy nose that tips up at the end, the chubby cheeks and the full lips, you feel disgusted, ashamed, worthless.
And then you start to believe that's no such thing as love. How can you believe in something that people say is so beautiful and magical, if you've never felt it yourself?
I used to believe in the fairy tales. That if I wished hard enough and tried to see the good in my situation, that I would get my own fairy godmother. Someone to help get out me of this life, to whisk me off to the ball and to turn my life into happily ever after.
But after a while I realised that I was never getting a fairy godmother. That there was never go to be any help and no happily ever after.
I learnt to accept that this was my life and that I should stop chasing after the perfect family. That I should stop dreaming of help and princes because they were never coming for me. I was stuck in the life that God gave me and there was no way to change it.
So now I'm stone. I don't feel, I don't wish, I don't dream. Nothing good ever came out of doing any of those things.
When I felt, I felt everything. Every heartbreak and every loss. So I stopped feeling, that way I can't get hurt anymore.
When I wished, the disappointment was always too much. To realise that nobody's listening to them and that nobody would answer them slowly can crush your soul. So I stopped wishing, that way I couldn't be disappointed.
When I used to dream, the images of a better life depressed me even more than I was. Images of love and family and princes made me realise everything wrong in my life and that there was nothing I could do about it. So I stopped dreaming, that way I wouldn't see everything the way it truly was.
People at school call me 'Walking Dead'. I don't laugh or smile; I don't make friends or speak to anyone. I don't let anyone close; I can't let anyone close because I know that my heart can only break so many times before it will never heal again. So why let people close to it, why let people see how broken and damaged it really is? Why let someone truly break my heart for good?
So that's why I have my walls. They're there to keep people out. To keep feelings and emotions away from my heart just to have it ripped away again, like it always is, because that's what they all do. In the end they all leave.
So my walls protect it and believe me, they're never coming down.
Or so I believed, but like I said, life has a weird way of changing things.