Tony Stark was an enigma. Luckily, James Rhodes had always enjoyed solving puzzles.
The first and most important step was to separate the problem into smaller pieces, and that was the way James began to understand Tony. He had certain rules that he could always be relied on to obey. Once James had learned these rules, he started to be able to predict the seemingly random actions of Tony in any given situation.
Tony was a complicated person, and the number of rules James had noted were almost innumerable. There were some simple fundamentals, though, that anybody who knew Tony personally was likely to notice.
Tony was a drama queen. Okay, maybe this one wasn't a rule, exactly, but it was still an important part of understanding him. Tony lived for big reveals and shocked expressions. If he had a secret he would hype it up as much as possible before revealing it at the most unexpected moment. He rarely told anyone what he was working on at any given point until it was finished or needed PR attention before a release. Telling the whole world he was Iron Man had probably been the most euphoric moment of his life.
Tony was a sore loser. If he became aware of an area in which he wasn't already number one, he would not stop until he'd managed it. He despised not knowing things or being slower than anyone else - if he was meeting with an expert on Jupiter's moons tomorrow you'd better believe he'd become an expert on the subject overnight. Any implication that someone else was better than him at anything was met with badly concealed hostility.
Tony didn't like being handed things. He would pick them up off a surface, or sometimes take them from the hands of someone he trusted, but he would never, ever, accept something that was physically offered to him.
Tony was protective of his personal space. James liked to joke about him being territorial, but he respected Tony's sacred areas through college and into the wide world beyond. Tony's labs were open to a select few, and only if he wanted you in there. If he told you to leave, you left. You never entered uninvited, or at least without some warning.
Tony didn't trust strangers. Nobody would guess this, given his fame and constant media presence, but Tony was always wary around people outside of his close circle. His guard was never down in public. The tabloids never got to see his true smile. It took years of shared experiences and extreme two-way respect before he would feel truly comfortable in a new person's presence.
Tony wasn't a fan of children. He treated it like a game, wrinkling his nose or scoffing at the mention of small humans, but James had seen how he was constantly awkward around anyone much younger than 20. Tony was an expert at dealing with people, but children just couldn't be manipulated or engaged in the same ways. Tony had never figured out how they worked, and tended to avoid them as a result.
Tony liked loud music. AC/DC, Black Sabbath, Queen, you name it, he loved it. The more shouting involved and the louder he could blast it, the better. It was a wonder the man wasn't already deaf. On the occasions James was allowed access to Tony's lab, there was always music blasting from the ceiling. He didn't understand how Tony could focus, but it seemed like it was impossible for him to work without it. Even if someone requested a serious conversation, Tony wouldn't stop the music, only turn it down a little or step outside to talk.
Tony didn't play well with others. When he first debuted as a superhero, he'd been determined to fix all the world's problems by himself. It took him a while to learn the value of teamwork within the Avengers and battle in general, but when it came to science stuff he was resolute in his solitude. Tony was a genius with lightning-fast thought processes, and anybody else trying to tag along just slowed him down. The closest James had seen to him working with someone else was when he would sometimes discuss an idea with Bruce or Helen Cho, but even that never went beyond the theorising stage. Any actual work, Tony did alone, and enjoyed all the more for it.
All of these rules were things James knew he could rely on to help him understand his friend, no matter the circumstances. No matter how weird whatever the world threw at him was, Tony would always, always follow his subconscious personal code. No exceptions.
Needless to say, James was very, very confused when he first met Peter Parker.
The kid was almost more of an enigma than Tony, and James had never thought that possible until now. Peter seemed to be the one exception to every single one of Tony's rules, and there was no plausible explanation. Somehow, whilst James hadn't been paying attention, this random kid had wormed his way into Tony's life and turned its rigid structure inside out.
James' first encounter with the boy was a surprise. He'd let himself into Tony's penthouse and FRIDAY had directed him to the man's lab. When he hadn't heard any loud rock playing from down the corridor, James assumed his friend had finally invested in some decent soundproofing. Instead, when the doors slid open he found himself reassessing everything he thought he knew about Tony Stark.
It was like a tableau, some Renaissance painting meant to boggle the mind, but in 4D HD in Tony's lab. There was Tony, hunched over a desk with an intent frown as he tinkered, just as James had expected. But beside him, one arm outstretched with a tool in hand, was a stranger. No, not a stranger. A child. In Tony's lab. Working with him. Handing him a tool.
Tony never had new people in his life. Sure, there was the revolving door of celebrities he was forced to consort with but they didn't matter. No, anybody new that mattered was introduced to him by James or Pepper or Happy if they stood a chance of sticking around. And James was sure the other two would have told him about a literal infant waltzing into their lives.
And then, somehow, inconceivably, it got worse. Tony took the tool from the boy's outstretched hand. The child didn't seem fazed, he just turned back to his own work, humming slightly. Which shouldn't have been audible in the eerily silent lab that was usually full of 80s hits at full concert volume. James made a slight choked noise, which shouldn't have been audible either but sadly was.
The boy and Tony looked up, weirdly in sync. James relaxed a little. Maybe this was a clone, or a time travelling Tony. That would... bizarrely make more sense than any other explanation. Tony beamed - "Honey bear!" - and bounded across the room to meet him. James embraced his friend. "Good to see you, Tones. Who's this?" He nodded towards the child, his voice staying remarkably neutral.
"Oh, right, you two haven't met yet. This is Peter, he's sorta my intern." He dragged James towards the child, then wrapped an arm around the boy's shoulders. "He's a genius. Genuinely think he's smarter than I am half the time." James's eyebrows rose.
The boy ducked his head and mumbled something. Not a clone, then. Maybe Tony from an alternate universe? He glanced up at James. "It's a pleasure to meet you, Col. Rhodes. Mr Stark talks about you lots." Maybe not a Tony at all. Far too polite.
"Shh, Pete, you'll give him a big head." Tony was entirely at ease, like he'd known the boy for years. A terrible thought occurred to James. A son? Tony wouldn't have kept a son from him, right?
"So, how did you meet?"
Tony and Peter exchanged a glance James couldn't decipher. "I scouted him. Well, FRI did. I got bored and decided I should meet him and, well, the two of us got along after a bit of a rocky start."
"Oh?"
"Mr Stark showed up in my house one day and basically kidnapped me," Peter told James. He stared at his best friend in horror. It sounded exactly like something the man would do. Tony shrugged unapologetically.
"It worked, didn't it?"
The boy shielded his mouth from Tony's view and mouthed "Stockholm syndrome," in James's direction. James hoped he was joking.
"Platypus, you look like you're in shock."
James gave a laugh. "A little. I'm just surprised there's no music in here." Understatement of the year.
"Huh? Oh, right. It gives the kid migraines."
"Right." The kid looked extremely shifty when James eyed him. Something else was going on here. "Right..." James said again more slowly. "I guess I'll just... leave you two to it."
Before he could enact his plan to leave, interrogate FRIDAY and wait for Tony to emerge, both the billionaire and the kid protested.
"Rhodey, wait-"
"Don't go, Col. Rhodes, I can go-"
"Roos, you don't need to go anywhere-"
"No, please, I'm intruding-"
"You were so excited to meet him don't-"
"Woah!" James threw up his hands, surprised by their vehemence. "Alright, I'll stay. Just didn't want to interrupt you."
"You're not interrupting," Tony insisted. "We're nearly done anyway."
James nodded. "What are you working on?" He approached Peter, expecting something simpler that maybe he could understand. But no, Tony hadn't been exaggerating when he called the kid a genius.
"Oh! It's a compressive container design for projectiles. I want to pack it full of a compound I designed so that when it launches it explodes after a set amount of time but at the moment I'm struggling to find a way to put the material into the container without it going everywhere."
"Can Tony not help?"
"I've already told him I'm staying far away from that sticky mess of a situation," Tony called from across the room.
The kid stifled a laugh. Inside joke? Surely not. Maybe it was a literal sticky mess.
At the other workbench, Tony was frowning at a blueprint. At first glance it seemed to be another Iron suit, but then James noticed the spider emblazoned across the front. "Hey, is that for that Spider-Kid you brought to Germany?" He asked. Peter tensed slightly.
"Hm?" Tony looked up. "Oh, yeah, why?"
"I always wondered how you found him on such late notice. I mean, you barely talk to anyone, now you're going around picking up kids left right and- they're the same kid. Huh."
"Whaaaaat? No, honeybear, you must be mistaken. I am well-known for my love of children." Tony paused. "Not in a creepy way." His tone said that he knew he'd been caught.
James turned back to Peter. Spider-Man. "Huh," he said. "Yeah, that makes sense."
Not quite as much sense as the clone theory, but close enough.
"Did he seriously kidnap you?"
"I mean, kind of?" Peter was twisting his hands nervously, but at least smiled as he talked. "He also kinda blackmailed me."
"It's not my fault you hadn't told your aunt and didn't want her to know!"
"That is called blackmail, Tones," James sighed. "Who knows why anyone sticks around here."
"Hey! You stick around!"
"Yeah, I do," he admitted, then mouthed, "Stockholm syndrome," to the kid. Peter grinned.
Yeah, okay. New game, new rules. James could figure this one out, too.