Your POV;
"Baby!" Lucas yells from downstairs. "My love! Come down, we really need to go." He urges you to get ready faster once again.
"I'm coming!" You reply while dashing around the bathroom, stuffing all your makeup items in the trolley and dusting the imaginary dirt of your clothes. Checking yourself in the mirror once again, insecurities taking over completely.
It's one of those days.
The past two weeks with Lucas back from tour, included a lot, but when I say a lot, I mean a lot of crazy sex and a lot of cute indoor dates with the help of your friends. Chaeryoung calls it the "honeymoon fase" but you just call it a healthy relationship.
You've been silently planning parts of the future together and without it being said out loud, it's been almost a year now since you met, and both of you know and realised, that the past year was one crazy rollercoaster, but the finish line consisted of you being together, which makes all the pain and emotions endurable and worth it.
And it is, because besides the fuckboy vibe that Lucas holds while being around others and when he dominates you, he is the softest and sweetest bean ever. And every day, you discover new parts of him, making you only fall deeper and deeper in love with the boy who is already claimed as yours.
But sometimes you stumble across one of those days. One of those days in which you feel like you're not good enough. One of those days that make you look at yourself in disgust. Only seeing negatives and the dark side of things. One of those days in which dark thoughts consume your brain and solutions seem to be floating away in the thick, heart clenching air. One of those days which seem to never end and keep you locked up in anguish and fear. One of those days in which you rather give up than fight. Because all strength seems to have left your body.
And precisely, on the first day of your new job, life said "fuck you" and decided to make you suffer in self hate.
You're standing in front of the mirror, looking over your body, picking out the wrong parts, your eyes seem dull, your eyebrows are uneven, your lips are lacking colour, your shoulders are limping, you posture is off, your arms are to thick, your breast need to be pushed up to look pretty, the tight pants are emphasising your thick and fat hips, your thighs are to fleshy, you have a lack of muscles and your knees are x-shaped, your ankles are swollen and your feet are skewed.
Silent tears start rolling down your face, while your thoughts make the suffering pain worse. The dreadful feeling of not being worthy, not being good enough and not being the way people want you to be. The feeling of not meeting their expectations. It's painful, suffocating. It makes giving up, hurting and leaving seem as solutions, which they are not, but you just can't help it.
You crouch down in front of the full-body length mirror and clutch your head in agony. The horrific thoughts drowning out all surrounding noises, forming a murmur of voices, bringing you down, making your head ache in piercing cries of pain.
Which is what you do, cry out in pain, scream for the thoughts to stop because you just can't take it. "Why am I not perfect" "Why can't I be happy" "Why me". The thoughts keep floating inside your brain making the pain worsen. "Help." You whimper a soft cry for help, inaudible because of the loud sobs and painful groans leaving your lips.
"Star! Are you okay? Where are you?" Lucas's voice beams trough your brain, pushing down all the negative feelings with his warm soothing deep voice. You hear his steps on the stairs and a door opening, followed by a gasp from the boy standing in the doorway.
"Baby! What happened." He says in rushed worry while hurrying towards you. "Baby? Can you hear me? Answer me please." Lucas begs in a high pitched voice, bringing your head to his chest in a comforting matter.
His worry only adds to the heart clenching feeling inside you, making you wince from the pain and all of the words and sentences you thought had left you in the presence of Lucas, come rushing right back into your head making you squirm around in his hold and cries and sobs leaving your mouth.
"No please." Lucas begs, seeing you like this, not responding to him, clutching your head as if it is going to fall apart and the cries of pain leaving your pretty lips, make his heart clench in fear, clueless of what the hell is happening.
"Lucas." You whine loud, your hands leaving your head and your fists clutching his shirt this time. "H-help, it-t hu-hurts." You cry while knocking your head harshly against his chest, begging for the burning feeling to stop.
"Baby." Lucas's calm voice lingers trough your ears, immediately creating wonders inside your body. "Please calm down, you are worrying me, don't hurt yourself and follow my breathing." He says while holding your two tightened fists with one of his hands and his other rubbing long soft strokes over your back.
Your cries reduce in his calming presence and you're left with ragged breaths and cocking sobs. "Good girl." He says in a soft voice once you visibly calm down a bit. "Now follow my breathing, deep breaths." He says while he places your hands on his chest to follow his slow and steady breaths.
Your breathing start to ease and the shaking of your body stopped, now just laying limp in his arms. "Good, now keep focusing on your breaths, no need to do anything else, except for breathing steadily." Lucas soothes you, pecking your temple as a sign that it's okay.
"Thank you." You whisper tiredly. "You okay now Star?" He asks sitting you up so he can cup your face and dry your eyes.
"I'm so sorry." You say ashamed of the scene you just made and look down, fiddling with your hands nervously. "Don't apologise, I'm sure there was something causing this to happen, once your ready, I'll listen to you baby." Lucas smiles assuringly and helps you stand back up, supporting you with an arm around your lower back.
"I'm having one of those days." You whisper inaudible, not daring to make eye contact with your boyfriend while saying those disappointing words.
One time, during one of you guy's late night talks, you told him how you previously would have days in which you can bring yourself down until the point you have a panic attack and you can't breath anymore. Lucas was really worried when you told him you ended up in the hospital one time that happened but you reassured him that since you met him, you didn't have those days, at least not until the point of hyperventilating and breaking down completely. You're worried to death what he might think once he knows you had an episode while he was around.
"Oh." He whispers while stopping in his tracks, turning towards you to see that you're avoiding to look at him. "Why?" He says with a clear crack in his voice.
You not daring to reply, slowly turn around to see his big worried eyes, filling up with tears. "Did I make you feel like that?" He says under his breath, holding back a soft sob. "D-did I do something t-to make you feel like that?" He chokes out making you gasp slightly and engulf him in a tight hug.
He buries his face in the crook of your neck, shaking because of the sobs he is holding back. "Did I?" He says again.
"No baby." You say while pecking his clothed chest. "Please don't feel sorry, it's not your fault at all." You say to calm him down instead.
"Then what happened baby, I was so worried about you and it's been so long since you told me you had been feeling like that? What happened please." He says while cupping your cheeks and looking in your eyes, searching for answers.
"I-i um~" You stutter and advert your gaze. "It's just um..." you trail off, not daring to speak your mind. "It's okay baby, just tell me what happened." Lucas says while he makes you look at him again.
"I-i felt really insecure." You whisper while looking down and fiddling with your sweaterpaws. "Why baby? You're going to do a great job today, you and I both know how talented you are and the company knows as well, otherwise they wouldn't have hired you in the first place." Lucas says while grabbing your hands and holding them in his.
"But what if people start to suspect about us, I don't want to hide you or lie about my feelings, but the risks that could happen if I reveal myself..." you say while you start to panic once again. "Do you know how much pain and worries I could cause you and the group, even the company. Not even talking about all the fans." You say while tears well up in your eyes.
"On top of that, I-i'm not good enough. I'm not worth it to c-cause you and your brothers all that pain and w-when I looked in the mirror I just." You choke out, hating to admit it, but it's the way you feel.
"Baby." You hear Lucas deep voice sound from above you. You crane your neck to look up at him and see a soft but broken smile on his lips. "How can you think about yourself like that." He says while shaking his head, disappointed.
"I'm sorry." You cry. "I'm just a disappointment, I'm so sorry, I should just go, yeah go." You say while turning around to take your leave.
You walk towards the door wondering why Lucas didn't yet call you out for being crazy and tell you to stay. You keep taking steps until you almost exited the room completely. Battling inside of what to do.
Why doesn't he stop you?! Does he really want you to leave?! Does he even love you?! Do you really mean that little to him?!
"Star." You hear a giggle from behind you and you turn around with a relieved look on your face. "Cute." He mumbles before engulfing you in a hug.
"Don't you ever think you're ugly baby. You are every type of beautiful that can be found in the dictionary. All with the same explanation. Something or someone, possessing qualities that give great pleasure or satisfaction to see, hear or think about. It means that you are alluring in every way possible, from your face and your body to the way you talk and think. Everything about you is extraordinary. Just your eyes can captivate me and make me swoon at your feet. You have grace and on top of that a story. Everyone is unique and as much as you may think you're hard to love, it's actually the opposite. You just found the wrong people who couldn't love at all. Everyone I know, who knows you, loves you till death and would sacrifice everything for your happiness. You may be oblivious to all this, the way you make me feel or the way others feel about you and I understand that when those kind of thoughts enter your brain, it's hard to make them leave, but believe me when I say, you deserve everything. You should be proud of yourself, just as I am proud of you. Even if you're not perfect in your own eyes. You are perfect in mine and I hope that's worth something to you~
Please Star, forgive me if I ever made you doubt yourself, but I love you to death and I want nothing more than for you to love yourself the same." Lucas finishes with a long peck on your lips while you just stand there, shocked, still processing all of his words.
"Wow." You gasp once everything settles in. "I-i don't k-know what to say." You say while looking down at your shoes with a mad blush spreading across your face and neck.
"Do you believe me baby, please don't be insecure, you have literally nothing to doubt about yourself love." Lucas smiles while cradling you in his arms a bit tighter.
"How? I'm not pretty like those Kpop trainees." You whisper under your breath. "I'm sure you can find a less emotionally scarred girl." You look down. "A girl who can handle a boyfriend named Wong Yukhei." You mumble. "A girl who can pronounce your name."
"But I don't want that." Lucas pouts making you look at him confused. "Why? Everything is better than just me." You say a bit more stern. "But I want you." Lucas says now his pout replaced with a smirk. "What is there to want." You scoff while turning away, only to be met with the reflection of your small body, Lucas's behind you, towering over you.
"Good, you see yourself now." You hear Lucas say while you make eye contact trough the mirror, a smirk evident in his voice. "Duhh, I'm not blind." You reply a bit more sassily.
"Okay." He chuckles, wrapping his arms around you in a back hug and resting his chin on top of your head. "We are going to do some therapy baby girl." He smiles at you.
"Why? We need to go, you have a freaking comeback stage." You whine trying to get out of his hold.
"We have some time to spear, lets talk about you now." He smiles cutely kissing your neck. "What do you see when you look in the mirror?" He asks while focusing on marking your neck and shoulders with his lips and teeth.
You shudder, what is this boy up to?
"Um- I see mistakes?" You answer a bit unsure. "What mistakes?" He asks back without looking at you, his hands now unbuttoning the top buttons of your blouse.
You feel another shiver run trough your body at the cold touch of his fingers on your chest. "My makeup? What I did wrong? Mistakes on my body? I don't know Sushi, what do you want me to say?" You whine a bit uncomfortable at sharing this with the man you love while he is undressing you in front of a mirror, feeling very exposed.
"Clarify those mistakes, tell me, let me in in your thoughts baby." Lucas says, now looking at you trough the mirror with a reassuring smile.
You gulp twice, closing your eyes. "I'm fat." You say with a small snicker in your voice, hating to admit those things out loud. "I think my legs are ugly, I don't like wearing clothes that reveal my legs or emphasise them." You mumble while picking at the tight jeans you're wearing.
"I like your legs." Lucas admits, you chuckle. "Why?" You whine while looking away with a small blush. "I think they suit you first of all." He says while his big hands travel down to your legs, grabbing your thighs. "I think it's pretty that they are not that skinny, they feel good in my hands and make you look like a healthy girl." He says while rubbing your thighs suggestively.
You whimper softly. "I think my tummy is fat, it's ugly when my pants press at the wrong places, I hate the way you can wear a garbage bag as pants and your stomach would look good, flat, with your abs." You whine softly, unconsciously complimenting his gorgeous abs.
"Your tummy is cute baby, it caries memories, I think that is an important thing." He says while his thumb trails across the clearly evident scar that was left after the miscarriage. "It's soft and warm, comfortable for me to lay on top of, you don't need a flat tummy to be pretty baby." He says while taking of your blouse completely.
He turns your around to look at you, holding you strongly at your waist. "I know how those thoughts make you feel baby, as an idol trainee I think I can relate pretty well. I also know that there is barely anything you can do about it, except for finding the confidence and accept your body the way it is. I hope it can help you, knowing that I love you, and I think your body is beautiful." Lucas says while bending down, placing kisses, pecks and small hickeys all over your chest, arms and stomach.
You giggle a bit at the contact while digging your hands in his hair. "You're to sweet Sushi." You make him look up at you and kiss him on his lips, bringing him back up.
"Okay now last part of my therapy with you, after this we're going to work and you're going to blow away all the people there with your amazing makeup skills and I'm going to be fanboying over you as your biggest fan, which I am." He says sternly but with an exciting sparkle in his eyes, for you to realise he is back to his bubbly self.
"You're going to tell your reflection you're beautiful." He says while turning you around, making you face the mirror once again, holding you down at your shoulders.
"Repeat after me precious." He says with a smirk. "I, Moon Y/N, am a proud girl." He says, nudging you to speak as well.
You whine softly, not wanting to do this, but the sweet boy behind you makes you think twice, maybe he is right, maybe this was just the push you need. You take a deep sigh before complying to his requests.
"I, Moon Y/N, am a proud girl." You say, looking anywhere but at the mirror.
Lucas softly grabs your chin, making you face the mirror and confrontation of your own reflexion. "No matter what will happen, or what I've been trough~" Lucas continues with a small smile, making you can't help but giggle back.
"No matter what will happen, or what I've been trough." You say, now playfully holding up your hand like you're taking an oath. He laughs as well and continues his part. "I'm beautiful, in every way or form possible." He winks at you cheekily and you just oblige to his cute antics.
"I'm beautiful, in every way or form possible." You say with a teasing eye roll. "I'm happy with myself and I am okay with the way I look."
You whine again but repeat his words. "I'm happy with myself and I am okay with the way I look." You say while looking up at him, wondering if this is over or not. He pecks your lips but motions for one other sentence. "I love myself." He says finally, making you gasp and look down.
He notices your discomfort and turns you around, to look at you. "It's okay to love yourself baby, please belief in yourself. Own it, tell me, please Star." Lucas encourages you with a soft kiss.
You not wanting to break the kiss, or wanting to say that one sentence, wrap your arms around his neck and bring him closer. He smirks in the kiss and you melt in his familiar touch, this was just what you needed. He detaches his lips with yours, teasingly staying close but to far away for you to kiss him again, provoking a whine from you.
"Come on baby, you know what I want to hear, make me happy, then you get another kiss and we'll go to work my love." He says, teasingly rubbing his lips over yours.
"I love myself."
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Damn🤧
We😳
Reached😦
20😱
Fucking🤭
K🤯
Thank you all so much❤️🧡💛💚💙💜💗💓💞💕❣️💖💘💝💟😍🥰😘😙😚😌😊😇☺️😗😻💋👅👩❤️💋👨👩❤️💋👩👨❤️💋👨🌹💫⭐️⚡️✨🌟🔥🍭🍬🎂🥇🏆🏅🎖💒🌠🎇🎆💎🧿🎈🎊🎉🎀🎁💌♥️🏳️🌈
So now let's talk about WayV's comeback😈
Who else resigned from Kpop?🤡
I'm officially death, killed, stabbed😤
Just look at this gorgeous man glowing🥺 He's so precious, god my heartue🤧🥰
And I was watching the comeback show with all the recaps from their previous comebacks and I was like "damn Ten-stans must have the hardest time ever, how do they survive" and just when I was thinking that, Lucas popped up on my screen and gave me a freaking heart attack?!?!!?1?!2??!!🥵😤
We, Lumis, Lucas stans, have it the hardest ever!😫 That boy doesn't have any mercy on us, and he only needs to post a flipping picture of his hands and we are all booking flights to Korea😪💓
Just look at him😳😳😧 I'm officially murdered by his beauty, his voice, his body movements, his smile and his talent❤️ I thought I wanted to see him on stage again, but I aint surviving this comeback guys😬💚
Thank you for reading and loving my book, thank you as well for listening to my Lucas rants and thank you for the 20K reads and 800+ votes, y'all are amazing and so precious, I don't deserve any of your sweet comments and love because I'm just starting with writing and I feel like a shitty writer all the time, but I'm improving and knowing you all stay by my side and support me makes me all soft, uwu, so thanks lovelies💖💘💝💕💞💓💗
~xxxyours
Edit:
Lucas is in quarantaine in China....... I'm ready to point knives...... I just want him to be happy and healthy🤧🥺