Sweet Love of Christmas

Christmas Bliss

STEF POV

"But did you like Chicago more or New York?" Lena asks me as we are laying naked in front of the fire place on the warm sheepskin rug. After making love for the last few hours and putting up our little tree it had been such a nice day, and one I never wanted to end. I didn't want any of this to end, ever, if I was completely honest as I feel her kiss my breasts softly.

"MM, New York. I actually lived with my brother when I was there." I run my fingers through her curly hair as she lifts her head to look at me.

"Which? Frank?"

"Mhmm." I say as she leans up on her elbows.

"How...how was that?"

"Ahh, it was what it was, baby. He had his good days and bad. Mostly bad. He just um, he couldn't get himself together. I tried to help him, get him into a treatment program but it...he just didn't want it and wasn't ready I guess. Then one day he just disappeared. I mean not like I didn't see it coming."

"Oh, sweetheart," she runs her hand softly over my stomach.

"It's ok, Len."

"No, it's not. I know how close you are to him and that must have been hard. Do you have any idea where he could have gone?"

"MM, probably living with his boyfriend."

"Boyfriend?" She looks at me, puzzled as I roll to my side and face her, placing my hand softly on her side.

"Yes. Boyfriend. He's gay, and he thinks I didn't know. I mean, I didn't think he knew about me, either. So in a sense, we both had this secret we kept from each other. If only we had just opened up about it, ya know? I stayed in the city to look for him for a bit, but after a while, I realized he didn't want to be found."

"I'm really sorry, Stef. I really am. I can't imagine. You've been through so much. I just feel awufl about it. Losing Mike and your two brothers, and now Frank? I'm so sorry," she whispers as I reach out to rub the side of her face.

"It's okay, Lena. I think I'm almost immune to sadness," I laugh awkwardly as she shakes her head and leans in and kisses me softly.

"No one is, Stefanie. You feel very deeply. You always have, and it's okay to not be okay with this. Do you think you'll go back to New York and try to find him again?" She runs her fingers through my hair as she asks this as I laugh again.

"No. I don't think so. He doesn't want to be found, sweetheart. When he wants to be found, he'll show his face, but you gotta understand the shame he must be feeling, ya know? Deep, deep shame."

She looks at me sadly as she is now caressing my face tenderly. "Do you?"

"Do I what, baby?"

"Do you feel shame? For...for being gay?" she whispers as I stare deeply into her brown eyes.

"When I'm with you, I don't, love. I feel...proud. Happy. Free. Like I'm the person I'm supposed to be."

"And, what about when you're not with me?" She asks as I bite my bottom lip looking back into her soft eyes. "What about then, baby?"

"MM, well um...it's harder for sure. I'm not really OUT, out. Here, I can be out. But since living back in Kansas now and being around my folks all the time it's hard. They want me to be a certain way, be married again and my mother said it's not "proper" for me not to be married and not have kids."

"Well, it doesn't matter what she wants. It matters what you want. Do you want to be married and have kids?" She asks running her fingers in between my breasts rather affectionately.