Sweet Love of Christmas

Where is Stef?

***Note: This is an alternate version to the Sweet Love of War books and takes place in 1977***

STEF POV

The year is 1977, and it has been almost seven years since my husband, Mike Foster, went missing in the Vietnam War along with two of my brothers, Eddie and James. It was sad to say the least and during this time of year, around the holidays, it would sting a bit more and my heart would break a bit more over it. How could it not? Even if I knew POW's were a very common theme to that war along with soldiers just going missing altogether. When it was your own family or loved one it hit closer to home.

I watched as my own mother dealt with the fact that she had possibly lost two children, and it killed me to see the pain in her eyes even if the two of us didn't often see eye to eye. My father had taken it pretty hard as well, still did and there were some nights he would cry on the phone with me and hearing that alone tore me up inside.

I didn't speak much about losing Mike for it was just too hard and confusing. Even if my feelings for him were conflicted and I often wondered if I was ever really in love with him the way a woman should be, him missing still hit me pretty hard. I cared for Mike, I knew him since I was 14 when he became best friends with my oldest brother Frank, Jr. So how could I not feel sadness, heartache and pain? And not being able to find the closure I needed with him is what hit me the hardest.

Frank Jr. didn't handle it well at all. None of it as his drinking got worse along with his drug use for Mike was his absolute best friend, beside me, and like a brother to him. And to lose all three, that was something else that his sensitive heart could not handle and he had gone missing a year ago when I lived with him in NYC.

As I brew my morning cup of coffee, I can see the snow beginning to fall lightly outside as it covered the Christmas lights that adorned the town. It was common for snow to begin to fall as the temperatures dropped here in Junction City, Kansas. Many times we had experienced blinding blizzards, but mostly those didn't come until the dead of winter and I remember as a kid many times we had gotten stuck on base or even once when my mother and I were shopping for a tree. It was no joke and I can't help but remember how just a few months ago I was swimming in the Atlantic Ocean off the coast of Long Island, New York.

Making the choice to move back to Kansas wasn't really the best decision either for I had been moving around ever since I finally left the Oakland Army Base in 1971. Since then I had lived in the following: St. Louis, MO...Tampa, Florida...New York City, NY... Chicago, IL...and Boston, MA the latter where I had gone to nursing school but dropped out about a semester into the program. It seemed every city I moved to I would try a different career but none of them ever jstuck or panned out.

My lack of direction and moving was something that drove my mother insane but what did she really expect, considering I was an Army brat and I had grown accustomed to the fact that we moved every few years. It felt not only normal to me, but also, it was cathartic to meet new people and experience new things.

Honestly, I wasn't sure what my issue was in terms of not settling down, what exactly I was looking for, or who I wanted to meet. I just know that being back in Kansas wasn't really safe either considering I was still hiding who I was from my parents and even myself. I still was uncomfortable showing my family who I really was on the inside, and I can't for the life of me figure out why I can't seem to bring myself to be me when it comes to them...mainly my mother. But, maybe I did know, for I knew she would disagree and not have any issue voicing it.

"Stefanie Marie, when are you going to settle down and finally have a family? Please tell me? Your father and I are very worried. You should have had your 5th child already." My mother says as I pour more coffee.