I'm back again with a string of apologies. Apology after apology after apology, each one just as empty and meaningless.
Twenty years. Twenty. And I feel, I've lived my life. I've loved and I've lost. I've loved and I've left. Be it ferocious, be it light, be it toxic, be it gentle, it doesn't last. It doesn't.
I know it. I believe in it as firmly as I believe in tooth fairy being no other than my mother.
Then why'd I believe you when you said we're nothing ordinary? Why did I fell in love with being something phenomenal? Why did I for a split second think this would last?
We're falling out of love as slowly as we were falling in. Unknowingly and unstoppable.
We look away now instead of competing who stares the longest till we burst out laughing. There are no laughs now. Just smiles. Smiles that say more than our words do.
I wonder if you can feel this too. The silent shift in the air. I'm afraid. I'm afraid if I vocalize it, you're gonna deny and say it's all in my head. Or worse; you would look me in the eye and nod with a smile. Our signature smile that speaks. We know that language.
You see, I've always believed love has to be strong and alive. Loud and branding its existence in. But you've introduced me to a love so soft, so gentle, silently flowing into me till I'm full. I believed this doesn't have a fire that would fizzle out. It would stay, I told myself. It would stay, you told me.
Yes, it stayed. It stayed till it silently stopped flowing into me. The less and less as time progressed. It ended without me knowing. It ended with an echo of a drop, when it landed in, loud and firm. Snapping me out of the hypnosis.
You slip your hand in mine, and ask me if I'm okay. I look back into your eyes and swallow them back down. The words on the tip of my tongue. I am, but we're not. Are we?
I snap back to reality with a string of apologies. Apologies I don't mean. I apologize again, for the apologies I don't mean. I squeeze your hand and smile, shaking my head.
This won't last, mister.
You smile back with a shrug.
Maybe, it will.
And I glare at you, with all the hatred I can muster at this man so blind to the warning signs and so high on hope.
And I sigh an I love you. Pulling you close to me, I love you. I'm so so ruined, I love you. Come on, lead me to our doom, I love you.
You grin at me and I'm back again with a string of confessions. Confession after confession after confession, each one just as sincere and meaningful before the last one.
