I know what you're thinking. It has been very long since we last talked. For you, it must have been—four days, seven hours. You mark those days red in your calendar, and stare the clock down for all the hours that go by. But for me? A few days. I don't keep count anymore.
You want to send me a message so bad. You want to but you won't. You type and erase. Type and erase. Type and erase. You hold yourself back because you're waiting for me to break the ice. You're waiting for me to do it first, this time. But you see, I don't.
Then you end up texting me anyway, maybe because you remember how I used to say, 'I'm just a text away.' How do I tell you that was years ago? And it may have crossed it's expiry date.
You think it's not the same anymore, that I'm...different. Distant. Honey, that's what I've been wanting to tell you, I drop bland cubes of hints in your teacup and you gulp it all down and I wonder why you don't notice what I'm trying for you to notice. Then I see the residue in your cup, and tell myself to mix it better next time.
You get crazy, you get jealous, you start hating everyone I go out with. You think I've replaced you. I haven't. Your place stands where it did, but I don't take that path so often. It's gotten a little dusty, and I don't feel like sweeping.
You're hurt. I see it, and that hurts me too. You wonder if the good days we had—I've forgotten them and if they don't mean as much to me like they do to you. How do I explain it to you? Just because our bond seems to be fading doesn't mean the good days never existed. I treasure the love we had. But not the present.
You know it now, how slowly I'm letting you go, the short replies, the unanswered voicemails, the screened calls, the forgotten plans, yet you insist. You know I don't care, I know that it's true. So why don't you please just accept it and save me the trouble? I don't want to hurt you. That's the last ounce of care I have for you.
And yet, you're here again.
"Can I call you at 4?"
"Maybe later." I sigh as the game of pretense starts again.
