"You haven't been taking your medication."
I freeze.
"You don't eat, you're barely sleeping, your school work is lacking, you're blatantly disrespecting my trust in you and you still want me to sit here and pull teeth with you just to get some understanding," he sounds exhausted. "I want to help you, God i'm really trying but it feels like every time I think i'm making progress with you and we're finally on a common ground you pull back so far and sometimes I don't think I'm going to be able to pull you back in."
Defeat.
He sounds so defeated. The slump in his shoulders, the tiredness in his eyes. I think i've broken a man. I think i'm making him feel almost as bad as me. I wish I could say I feel terrible about it. I wish I could say how sorry I am and that I'm going to try to be better for him. For myself. For everyone. I wish. I wish. I wish. But wishes aren't real and I can't just snap my fingers or rub a lamp and suddenly change.
"I know you're pregnant."
I think time just–stopped. There was me. There was Derrick who was sitting across from me but no words were coming out of his mouth. The digital clock on the stove said 3:25 and and I haven't spoken in hours it feels like. This wasn't happening, not right now. I was hoping never. I don't know how I thought I would ever be able to keep this from him but I did and I thought I was doing so well.
I was an idiot.
"I don't kno–"
"Stop it. You know exactly what i'm talking about and exactly why i'm saying it and you and I both know it's true," He looked almost angry. At me. His expression was one of anger and disappointment and it was directed at me.
"Why wouldn't you just tell me? Have you been seeing a doctor? Have you told anyone? What did you think was going to happen? You'd walk around here ready to pop and think I would just think you've gained weight? How far along are you? You can probably still–"
"I cant abort it," I finally said it out loud.
"Aaron–"
"I've had to do it before and you don't understand the toll it takes on the body, the mind, my fucking spirit. I cant do it again. I won't do it again." I wasn't going to back down from this. I wasn't going to do it again. He couldn't make me. He wouldn't. Sometimes I felt like I knew Derrick like the back of my hand other times it felt like we were worlds apart.
"Okay. But what are you going to do then. What do you want to do?"
What did I want. It feels like no one has ever asked me that. What I want for myself. For this baby. I just didn't know. I don't think I could raise it. Sometimes I thought about it. Dreamt about it. Me, just a few years from now a little two year old calling out to me. "Mommy," it would babble over and over and stumble over to me and I would smile and the sun would be shining and i'd pick it up and it was bliss.
Then i'd wake up.
I thought about adoption. So long. So hard. I was having an internal battle with myself about it. God, foster care? after everything i've been through? How could I do that with a good conscience. I would never stop thinking or wondering if it was okay. If it was with a good family. If it was like me. Having the same experiences. It would be so cruel to do.
Private adoption was a thing. I could make sure it went somewhere with good people who will take care of it and love it and give it what I cant. Maybe Derrick knew people who could arrange that. I'm sure he did.
"You can't raise a baby, Aaron."
I grind my teeth, "I didn't say I wanted to."
"Then what? I know this isn't your fault and the circumstances are fucking horrible but do you seriously think after you give birth you're just going to be okay? That also changes you. It's not as easy as you think it'll be to just give it up for adoption or even to keep it especially always knowing in the back of your mind in what way it got here. You're not a dumb person at all, by any means but you keeping this from me, for this long–I don't even know what to say anymore."
"Then don't say anything."
"That's the problem, Aaron. You don't saying anything. That's your answer for everything. For you and everyone around you. I know this is scary and you feel like you have no options and the ones you have are frightening and maybe you don't know what to do but that's what i'm here for. You come to me and we fix it. We make it better. Whatever you want, we do it together. But I cant do that if you won't let me and you seem very keen on not letting me."
I gnaw on the side of my lip. He was reading me like a book and he was right about everything. I couldn't even fight back. Couldn't say he was wrong. Couldn't do anything but stare. At him. At the floor. At him. At the floor. At the counter. At the floor. At my fingers tapping on the counter. At the floor. Finally back at him. I slouch in defeat.
"What do you think I should do?"
"Aaron, I would want you to terminate. Late termination exists. It's pricey but I would pay that price if that's what you wanted to do but I know it's not, so I can't even give you a good answer right now. But i'm telling you this, not to be mean, not to make you feel bad but if you have this baby you are going to be miserable and if you give it up you are going to miserable never knowing if you actually did the right thing. Private adoptions exist but most of the time the parents don't want the birth moms in the child's life and if you can't give it up when it's time and it falls on me then you are going to hate yourself, it, them and me and I don't know what you'll do."
"You aren't mentally, emotionally nor physically ready to take on something this big and there's nothing wrong with that. You should have never been put in this situation and I hate that it's happening to you and I want to hurt the son of a bitch who did this to you but right now I can only worry about helping you find your best option and prepare for whatever it is you decide. So for right now I just want you to try get some sleep and we can discuss more about this tomorrow."
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Kind of had to make Derrick the bad guy here. Make his words a little harsh but it comes from a good place!
