Rylie and me don't talk. It's been two months. He glances at me and I can see that he wants to. I know him. It might have been a while but I still knew him and I know he wants to apologize but like me, he could be prideful. I had hurt him and now he was hurting me the only way he knew how. To shun me away. I couldn't stop thinking about. That night played in my head over and over.
I try to hold it back. The tears still fall. It felt like I wasn't breathing, "You don't mean that," I choked whisper leaves my lips. He was angry. He felt like I didn't see him as enough of a reason to come back sooner. He doesn't mean it. He can't mean it. It's been a long time but Rylie had to still be compassionate. He had to still be caring. He was like his dad with how intuitive he was with emotions.
He wants me to hurt. I would do the same thing if I was him. It was part of the reason I had maintained no contact with them the first year.
"I do," He gets in my face. I bite the inside of my cheek, "You aren't my friend and you'll never be my sister," He pushes me. It's not rough. It's simply a push backwards and it makes me stumble. For a second I think about standing my ground. Making him listen and talk to me. I can't do that though. He needs to cool off and now I have to wait for him to come to me if he decides to. If I keep pushing he'll pull away more. Still it make my whole body ache to hear him say such things.
It was strange to be so rational. To be on the opposite end of this. I don't say anything as I exit his room. His door slams behind me causing me to jump. It almost makes me cringe that at one point this was how I treated Derrick. I go downstairs to see Derrick sitting on the couch. His feet on an ottoman. He looks expectant and I flop down next to him. My cheek on his shoulder. I exhale loudly.
"He just needs time, Aaron."
I hadn't even said anything yet, "I wish he didn't. I should've called. I should've texted him. he didn't do anything to me. None of you did and I just acted so—"
"You needed time."
I wished we didn't. I wish I could've just snapped back to normal after everything that happened then we wouldn't be in this mess. Nothing could be simple for me ever. There was always something. Carter went back to school a week ago and Cameron was hardly home sometimes. He said he was still deciding. He had a job though. It was part time. Of course I was happy to be here and I loved that Carter could come every weekend simply because he had the funds.
Throughout the week felt lonely. Sometimes it's only me and Rylie in the house and he walks by me like i'm not even there. I was lucky to go to work. So I didn't have to be there. It felt cold when it was just the two of us. I liked it better when everyone was here. I was starting to get angry at myself taking so much time away because now everyone had their own lives. They had their own things to do and being at home was secondary where as for me it was primary.
I was starting to realize how I didn't have friends outside of them. I didn't have friends at all. Sometimes Kevin would invite me to his dorm for the weekend for a party but I always declined. I liked him and he was the one sort of friend I had. I didn't think he was a bad person but I know I'm not ready for that. I needed something slow. Like—well I wasn't sure but I didn't need to party. I started looking at colleges for next year. I still wasn't sure what I would pursue but it felt like the right step for me. Derrick was happy about it.
I just wasn't sure if I would go out of state or not. I guess only time would tell what I was ready for.
Derricks out of town, Carter didn't come home this weekend, Cameron was with his new girlfriend of the month. It was just me and Rylie this weekend. I wasn't sure what to do. I thought about calling Chase to be a buffer between us. I couldn't do that though. Perhaps being alone is what we needed. We could lay it all out. If he wanted to yell at me he could and if I needed to scream I would just hope the neighbors weren't nosy.
