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We left shortly after. My chest was tight. A rock was lodged into my throat. Only when we were outside did I feel any sort of comfort. Mr. Phoenix hadn't really said a word. I hadn't either. I felt exposed. In so little words Regina had spilled all the things I kept inside. Well, most of it. The ugly parts. The parts you write in a journal then burn the pages of.
Mr. Phoenix read my journal. Regina read it to him. I could only watch as it happened. Her words. His impassive face. Tears spill over before I can stop them. I shield my face away from Mr. Phoenix. We get back into his SUV. He doesn't start it up right away. At least the music could partially drown out the sob that was aching to rip from within me.
I suck in a breath. Hot tears splash onto my light colored jeans. I curse myself for crying. For showing weakness. I can't stop it. I squeeze my hands together and pathetically wipe under my eyes. It's too quiet. We still haven't moved.
"I," I start but sad little whimpers and choked up words replace my own. stutters in between. "I d-didn't lie," I don't know why I feel I have to defend myself to Mr. Phoenix but I do.
So quiet. Too quiet. He doesn't say anything, "Oh my god," another cry falls from my lips and I yank open the car door. Of course he believed her. He was thinking of a way to drop the "I can't let you stay," Bomb. He can't let me ruin his kids lives. What if it happens. He can't ruin his image. Or maybe he was thinking I was an easy target. Regina just told him I wouldn't tell the proper authorities.
I hear the sound of his door slam shortly after mine. Tired. I was tired. Furious. Miserable, "Aaron," His tone was concerned. Scared.
"I'm not lying, okay?" I sit on the stoop of an abandoned building. I noisily suck in a breath and build up in my nose, "It's humiliating. I c-can't even look at myself anymore without seeing it. Seeing it all. Feeling it. It doesn't go away. And I don't have anyone to talk to. So I keep it to myself."
"Aaron--"
"I'm fine," I bite out. I wipe at my eyes and plaster on a smile I'm sure com's out as a grimace. Mr. Phoenix awkwardly stands in front of me. Something strange passes over his features.
"Aaron--"
"Could I just go back to your apartment?"
I don't need pity. I shouldn't have even let those words leave my lips. I didn't have to explain myself to him. To anyone. I know what happened. They know what happened. It's a secret only we can keep. The truth only we know. I have to block it out. Keep it in. If I didn't I probably wouldn't even still be breathing. I'd have been dead a long time ago.
"Okay. I'll um, I'll drive you back."
"Thank you."
An uncomfortable silence washes over us. I had nothing else to say. He didn't know what to say. What could he? It wraps me around us like a blanket. The air feels tense. I feel tense. Mr. Phoenix drives like he has something entirely different on his mind other than the road. I shouldn't have said anything. We shouldn't have went there. What was the point of doing the paperwork anyway. I was a guest. Soon to be leaving.
