Hi Samantha. This is weird—talking to a gravestone. Every year on your birthday we make the trip to see you. It used to be very sad. Like, sometimes I would see Dad cry and the boys would sulk all day. They really love you. They always talk about what a great mom you are. This is our fourth year out here but it's my first year introducing myself. The first year I didn't come. I'm sorry for that, I felt like I was intruding on something so personal. The second year I stayed in the car. The third year I just listened as they talked. Cameron always talks about how much he misses you and asks you if you think a girl he's dating is the one. Carter shares his music. He was drumming for some kind of famous band these days but he's thinking about quitting to do something else. None of us our sure what. Chase always shows you pictures of his kids and lets you know how the foundation is coming along.
I've been helping him. In between school. I think we're doing some great work. At least I hope we are. Rylie talks the most I think. He's always the most sad out of the bunch. I think it's because he didn't get a lot of time with you. He tells you everything from school, to friends, to what he ate the night before. He just goes and goes and goes. Last year he talked until the sun went down. Dad doesn't say much. I think he's run out of things to say. He misses you still. Everyday. I can tell. We have your pictures up in the house. You very pretty. Carter and Rylie have so many of your features it's a wonder they even look like him.
I don't know how I'm supposed to do this. Im Aaron...Aaron Phoenix. Um, Im twenty three now. Derrick fostered me when I was sixteen but Im sure you already knew that. He was always looking to ceiling asking for advice. He officially adopted me two years ago. The year before that I called him dad for the first time. It was a whole thing. Lots of tears. Lots of crying. Funnily they took pictures and framed it. It's like a running joke. We all kind of laugh about it now when it's brought up but it was an emotional moment for all of us.
I'm not sure what to say. I wish I would've gotten to meet you while you were alive. They tell me stories and they describe you as so lovely I find myself getting jealous. Don't get me wrong Dad is great —they all are—but I'm surrounded by so much testosterone all the time It drives me insane.
We don't get to see Kelly as much these days but she always calls. I always talk to her like she's an older sister. Sometimes it feels like she's an aunt.
I guess I came here to say Hi and thank you? What am I thanking you for? I don't know. I guess thanking for you creating such a lovely family. For creating such amazing guys. I know Dad had a lot to do with it as well but I can tell there was something else. I think that something else was you. I'm not sure if I'm allowed to call you mom. You're not really my mom are you? I'm not sure how this works. I guess you and Dad are still married? Maybe not. Does it void out after someone dies? Is that wrong to ask? I'm sorry.
Um, Im not sure if I believe in any of this. It's kind of hard to believe in god and the afterlife when you've been through so much with no relief but I guess I would have to believe in something because I was able to meet my dad and brothers. That couldn't have been pure luck. Someone pulled some strings for me. Maybe it was you? Are you watching from there? Did you see me? Do you like me? You probably don't. I was kind of mean in the beginning and after the well...you know. I hope you do like me. I hope if you did pull those strings for me that you didn't regret it.
Oh, I guess I can tell you this because well it's just us...There's this guy. We met on campus, I think I like him. It's weird I didn't think I would ever have romantic feelings for anyone ever. But I talk to him and I get butterflies and he looks at me and I don't know. Is this how it felt when you met Dad? Like, so bubbly and nervous but in the good way?
I want this to go somewhere. I want to fall in love and be loved. I feel like it's such an integral part of growing up.
It kind of scares me because what if turns into something and then he realizes how scarred I am. Therapy can only heal so much. I would have to explain why I don't want to be intimate and well what if he runs? What if everyone runs? That's a lot of baggage. I know I can talk about this with Dad and he would give me some great advice and make it all better but sometimes I just need another woman's advice. Kelly moved out the city and out of the country because of her husbands job so we don't talk as often. I know I can talk to Chase but the both of sometimes skirt around talking about our pasts even though we know what the other has been through. No amount of time makes it easier I guess.
I'll keep you updated.
Maybe it's too much to ask and like I said I'm not sure what I believe maybe i'm just talking to a piece of rock with your name on it or maybe your spirit is here or somewhere else where you can hear me. If there is a heaven or some grand place where good people go when they die I believe you're there. I think my friend Destiny is too. Could you look out for her? She was young when she passed and I think it would bring me peace to know someone like you was up there keeping her company. Could you tell her i'm sorry? I'm really sorry. I should've been there and I should've went to her funeral But I didn't. I just didn't go and then her family moved.
One last thing. Sorry if i'm asking for a lot Cameron always complains that i'm very needy. Can you tell my parents—my mom especially that I forgive them and I know it wasn't her fault. Maybe all of you got together and pulled those invisible strings for me.
I think I'm done. Im not sure what to do. Do I say goodbye or do I just leave? The boys always press their fingers to their lips and then touch your headstone. Am I allowed to do that? Would it be weird? I guess I'll just say bye and thank you for listening. I'll come back again.
