They no longer thought I was a danger to myself and I didn't either. I was leaving. I could see a future even if no one would be in it. I had to come to terms that I could be on my own. I was an adult now. This was inevitable.
Everything was up to me and my own devices.
The weeks leading up to my release my therapist had found me a place to stay. It was like a group home—I would call it a halfway house for people eighteen through twenty one who were leaving the program with no support. I could keep my job and maybe even apply to college soon. I was on track to get my GED in a few weeks. I had antidepressants and anxiety medicine I would have to pay for now. She tells me about a program that I could apply to so I could hopefully get them cheaper.
I didn't want to sound spoiled but I would miss the days when it would just show up in the medicine cabinet at Derricks place. I didn't have to worry about any of that. He did it all for me. I know I can ask Chase to do it but I didn't want to.
He did everything for me and in the end I treated him like everyone else. If I could turn back time I would apologize. I would've never shunned him away from me. I would've accepted everything he did for me and thanked him. I was lucky I could at least keep the memories. The memory of someone caring for me. I harbor so many bad ones and push all the good ones aside. I couldn't do that anymore. If I wanted to stay on track I had to remember to care about myself. I had to remember I was worthy of living. I had to remember I was worthy of being loved and cared for.
I had to think about Derrick for that last one. Maybe he didn't love me—he only knew me for a short and hellish amount of time but I liked to think he cared.
When I first came here I thought he wanted to get rid of me. It was foolish and childish to think he would place me here if he didn't care. He could've just kicked me out and left me in streets in the city if he didn't. No, he cared. He cared so much and I just didn't want to see it that way. I didn't want to be believe it.
I wonder what he would think if he saw me now. If he would be proud of me. I have to think he would be.
Casey hugs me as she hands me my suitcase and duffel bag. Derrick had extra clothes sent over and Chase bought me more too but it was all too much to carry so I let them keep a large portion for any other girls who might need them. "I'm so happy you're getting out of here," She whispers in my ear rocking us back and forth. Casey had become a friend to me in here even though she was apart of the staff. At first I thought she was only being so kind because it was her job but after being here so long I noticed she genuinely was rooting for my recovery. Like Chase I think she saw something in me I didn't see in myself at the time.
"Me too," And I was. I was so happy to be leaving but I was scared to be on my own. I thought about doing something bad just to stay. Though I had to remember that wasn't wise. I made so much progress that to regress out of fear would only hurt me in the end.
"You have my number?" I nod, "If you need anything just call me okay? I have a pullout couch and lots of food. It would be no trouble okay?" Casey was far too kind. Just wanting to help whatever way she could. She hardly knew me. I thank her for being so nice to me.
Casey hugs me again. I can see her trying to hold back tears. I'm not sure if it was allowed that staff could become so invested in the kids here. I felt like there had to be at least some kind of detachment to work in a place like this since at any moment the kids could be dead if they try hard enough. If Casey was breaking rules I was glad she did but I wouldn't take her offer unless I really needed it. I had to go out on my own. I had to make a life for myself without hoping someone would be there to catch me.
I say my goodbyes and luckily there was a bus stop barely five minutes away that took you to the other facility for people who leave here. My phone was still on either Derrick was keeping it on or he simply forgot I was on his plan. I guess I had to be lucky for that. I could pay for it myself but I also had to worry about getting an apartment in the near future. I was saving the money I got in tips in a bank account Chase attached to his own. He offered to add onto it but I declined.
