Famille

° 25

I was a goddamned idiot. I knew that. I understood that. right now I was putting myself in a possible unsavory situation. But, I had to do something. I had to get some kind of help. I had to tell him. I couldn't live with myself knowing I did something without the other party knowing. It shouldn't have mattered to me, but it did. It mattered because I wanted see if he really was as emotionless as I knew him to be. He had to know because if I chose the more damaging option and put myself through grief once again he was going to pay for it.

It had only been a few days since Rylie broke the news to me and of course after he left for school I cried. I took another test and it verified his previous affirmation that I was in fact pregnant. I asked Destiny to help guide me through this. Whether she was in heaven or some odd place our souls go to roam after we pass I closed my eyes and called out to her in my mind and pleaded for her to just help me through this. I asked her not to judge. I asked her to watch over it if I did decide to get an abortion.

It was ridiculous. I was being ridiculous. But, I needed some kind of help that wasn't in the form of kind hazel eyes. I didn't want to be judged. I definitely didn't want to be kicked out. I was making something of myself living with the Phoenix's and thats why this damned thing inside of me was going to ruin it. Thats why I had to talk Steven. He had to help me. It was his. It was ours. If it would rip my budding life away from me it was going to crumble his too.

I knew this situation could go awry. I was putting myself in possible danger but I refused to do this alone. Not again. Unfortunately this wasn't the first time. That was when I was fourteen. Vincent Klein and his wife had been housing me for only a month before it started. He was forty. Blonde hair, crystal like blue eyes that carried onto his adolescent daughter. Like the other times before that he too assaulted me. Made promises to throw me out if I said anything.

Then I got pregnant. I was frightened. I was fourteen. Of course I told him. He was livid. He blamed me. Said I was going to ruin his family. Then, he said it was either 'get rid of it or get the fuck out.' Both options were terrifying. I told him I didn't want the abortion then he threatened to beat it out of me. He didn't want the thing running around with his genes. So he forced me. We went to a clinic. He explained I was assaulted by some masked thug.

The rest was a blur of paperwork and appointments and treatment for after; Doctor visits. Therapy. Vincent didn't care. The day after it was done Vincent threw out my things and told me not to show my face anymore. I was sore. Depressed. Blaming myself for doing such a heinous thing. Back then I still didn't understand abortions. I always thought why? Why do that? But then I realized it was better off dead than living with a homeless teenager who probably wouldn't even take care of it.

The outcome could possibly be the same today. I knew that. But, if I were to do it again Steven would be paying for the deed. He would pay for the aftercare and I wasn't going to berate myself for such a thing. It was better to do that then have it live a life of despair, neglect and loneliness. I was already living like that and if I could prevent it from being passed on then I would.